Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. Six)

He started acting weird again and I was trying to ignore it but really could not, I was scared and pissed at the same time knowing it was some shit he was not telling me. After that mess came out about him having that outside relationship with the woman over the net he started to change some but it was kind of different this time it was almost like he wanted to tell me something but could not..he would always start and then stop with I will try. I tried to help him bring it out with asking all kinds of crazy questions leaving the door open so he could just walk on in and every time he would just back away from it. But me being the Ass I knew I could be I was not finishing his shit for him..I wanted him to flat out MAN the fuck up and just say it whatever it was. So I continue to push the relationship as business as usually until he got TRIED of playing the games because really deep down I knew it was over a long time ago but he was not getting off that easy..FUCK IT. So anyway we met for lunch one day he had started doing some sales on the side which I was helping him with getting orders for him and this would be my excuse to see him on a regular because we had this business thing going...(Damn shame..SMDH)..and after we ate he walked me back to my car and we sat there for a while just talking and of course as always I make the first move like I did most of the relationship and I ask him what is it that you want..do you really want to do this thing because I feel a distance with you and something is not right. He goes into saying that this not having a job thing has got him in some type of depression and he feels like he wants to do things BAD things but don't want to and he just feels he need to be by himself but then on the flip side he said he really do not want to be alone.. (OK can we say CONFUSION) he started talking about how he wants to just leave and go out of state but cant because the kids and his family got this hold on him and then he says (get this one ladies) he really feels he needs to stop having SEX..now you know my head whip around and said to him WTH are you talking about you must really want to break up you can't decide nothing like that when two people are involved without including the other party. Now we all know when a man brings something like that up there is a couple of things going on.. he gay..he married.. or he wants to break up and can't do it and wants you to do it for him. I mean we have been having sex for damn near two years and all the shit you did while in the relationship all pertain to sex in some way and now you want to stop BULLSHIT just say what it is you want to say and stop fucking around with I need time BULLSHIT...so me of course being the Ass since he was not going to flat out break up with me I made him suffer by acting like what he said did not phase me and continued on but on my end..check this out. I started seeing other people..FUCK IT this motherfucker really did not know what he had..not bragging but guys hit on me all the time and they all had jobs and with nice head game also SHIT and waited for the chance to get with me even though they knew I was fucking around with this fool. As some of you all that know me and can see from my pictures I am not a ugly chick by far and I can dress and walk my ass off in some heels with an intelligent mind to seal the deal..and smell as sweet as honey (guys go crazy over my hair..eyes, lips, thighs, ass and hips..LOL I 'm tripping) I started seeing this one guy and he was nice and all and we even had sex it was good BUT get this I thought about HIM the whole time I was with him..ain't that some shit so I decided I was not going to go there and bring some innocent person in some shit that needs to be totally finished. So I continued to play this merry go round with this fool (see the tune of the story is changing) and every weekend it had started becoming more excuses why he could not come by and spend time with me..he would make plans at the beginning of the week on when and what day he would be over and then like either the day before or that morning some tragic shit in his life would happen and he could not make it and he would pacifier me with calling and checking on me all day..like I was stupid or some shit. I was on the other end doing my own shit he only THOUGHT I was spending it alone waiting around on him... (Scorpios are always one step ahead on game) I met this cable man from when I was getting some new stuff installed and he was all on my shit so bad I let him get my number just in case you never know..LOL but anyway this man did not want to do anything but eat my pussy..he was a Jamaican and he would come over lick and suck the shit out of my clit and leave..(NO LIE) I was like cool some side head game because on the flip side he had started slacking off on doing that shit and where he once would be down there on my ass for an hour or so he went to like 20 minutes or nothing at all on the oral (which was my shit first and foremost)..but I still suck the shit out of his dick until he exploded in my mouth and screaming my damn name.. I love that shit..oral game was what I played VERY well I can suck the skin off the head of a dick and still want more after I taste those juices I really would go into a zone on a dick doing that shit..he was weak for that shit..(most men were). Anyway my Birthday was approaching now remember the year before we did the weekend thing (Mmmm) I really wanted to see what he was going to do this year and with all the shit that was going on I wanted to see if he was going to come thru and make good with it. So all week he talked about how he was going to spend the whole day with me and he was going to spend the night and everything..so the day came I was kinda of excited and all..I made sure my hair, nails, feet and body was on point and tight. He came over we had a romantic dinner and we made love and he made love to me just like he use to when we first met..I crave that gentle shit he had going on with me when he put his lips down there and sucked and licked me into 3 to 4 orgasms..(DAMN Flashbacks)..if he did not do anything else he was right on point with that shit right there. I love to nibble and lick all around and in his ear..drove him crazy..I would ease down licking his body all the way to the tip as his dick was standing up awaiting my moist mouth so he may enter it..I would suck him..sliding up and down as he grab my ass and called my name I would moan as I had his dick in my wet mouth and it would make his screams loud..that shit made my pussy drip..he would enter my wet hole with his fingers and pump them in and out and shake the juices out with his fat fingers (MMMM that shit felt good as hell) that shit made my body jump.. He would kiss my neck..my back..my ass..I loved it and then he would ride the shit out my ass until he exploded..we would do it so hard that day we both were sweating and shit after. As we would lay there I told him how much I loved him and he would tell me that he really did love me too he also told me he was in love with me..so when he went into shit like that it made my heart melt..my yearning for a gentle loving man made me accept bullshit from those that really was not worthy of my love. But then we had to get up and out of the bed and live with the real fucking truth about our relationship..that it was a pure fucking JOKE. He did not have any money (he claimed) to buy me a gift once more BUT all I really wanted was us back..back to where we were before all this extra bullshit in between the years. I wanted his time and he was giving it to me until after laying and fucking and sucking and just chilling he told me he could not stay all night because his mother was watching his kids and he only gets them on the weekends and she did not want to keep them all night like that and he promised them he would spend time with them too..I was so use to this shit he always had some major goody shit when he needed to stay away from me..you know my Bday and you had pently of time to make arrangements if nothing else for this day..its not like we spend a whole lot of time together anyway..so at that moment my reality with him started to set in and my eyes at that point starting seeing things that I was blind to all of this time with him. I let him go and I spent the rest of my Birthday night alone..and I really at that point did not want anyone around me anyway..I was so disappointed and hurt when he left...he kept calling me thru out the night but it was not comforting to me..he even changed his background on his page for most of the day with my picture on it for all to see and emailed me a poem he did for me thru ecards...still not comforting..I started reflecting on all the bullshit excuses he made to me thru the 2 years and noticed a straight up pattern..I remember at one point early in the relationship asking him if he was really divorced and he sent me a copy of the papers..because something was not right and I even remember having a dream he lived with a woman..all of this was starting to come at me strong for some reason and why was it coming now and not before..so I sat on it and waited and watched the events to come and I waited..I was reflecting (that's what happens when you spend a lot of time alone) he knew something was up with me because I started asking a lot of questions and started being kinda of distanced like not happy mood when I talked to him..I had a lot of shit on my mind and your name was a big part of it.. so I watched waited and did things to see what he would do...like I noticed my house got broken in to twice since he knew me and not once did he come over to see if I was ok or what he could do to help..he called but WTF was that if your woman tells you her house got broken in to..then holidays now I did not make a big deal on us spending them with each other because I really was not ready for him to meet my family or kids anyway shit was still unstable with us..and me being kinda of old school when a man dates a woman he does the introducing of his family first..he choose his mate when he does that and then she opens her whole world unto him. Then it was the moments when he would call me from the car or just leaving from somewhere..and the quick under your breath I love you too..I would say I love you to make him say it back where ever he was (Shit I was your woman right)..calling me from the basement or while walking the dog or always going to the store kinda of thing. How when I did come to his mother house I never was ask to come in he always met me out side and got in my car and how when ever I had an emergency I could never get him right away..So I did somethings like I started letting him keep my car and I gave him a copy of my house and car keys (Hold up everyone this was a part of a plan)..the first incident I was, every time I wanted to go out to the bar, play pool or even go to the movies he would be all good with it until the day came to do it and he would come up with some school homework bullshit or kids (the normal shit) he would slide me in for a couple of hours if I really demanded it (a couple of hours what a fucking joke). So one night he called me after I got off work like he always did and I told him I was going to go out with my cousin or some shit..so he was like good because I got all of my kids tonight..cool Plan in motion later that night I call his phone..no answer..I texted him no answer ( he was famous for not answering his phone right away Shit)...so I texted him I need your help..thinking that would put some fire under his ass...no reply back..soooooo I waited until the early morning and I drove over to his mother's house to see if his car was there..and you guessed it NO car and this was 8:00 in the damn morning on a Sat. for someone that do not have a job...okkkkkkkkk so at that point I started blowing his shit up in text and calls back to fucking back non stop like a mad woman...and then I took a break and called his mother's house she told me he was not there and she sounded like should he be...LOL..Anyway I started driving back home still blowing his phone up on the way back across town....he finally calls me back PISSED (the nerve of this guy to get mad) talking about why you call me that many times and why you call my mother's house..and I screamed at him why when I have a problem I can never get to you..I can never find you...you are never a fucking round...Hold on to this shit..he told me he did not sleep at his mother's house that night because him and the kids went to his sister's house because she went out of town..ROFLMAO...this motherfucker believes his own shit that is why he tells it...I was like I locked my keys in my car and you are the only one that has a copy..I was out in the middle of the night and I could not get to you...your suppose to be my man and you cant even come and get me out of a jam. At that point he started questioning me like I was suspect..soooooooooo nigga you been suspect for years now. Got all mad talking about I am going to bring your keys to you now..(Now he want to act like he done with me) I was like your getting mad because I had a problem and could not get to you...we started fighting and he never came and brought me my keys and he use that excuse as he had a attitude with me to not come see me that weekend too..LOL he was the biggest baby I knew he wanted things his way even when he was in the WRONG. Instead of saying I am sorry Baby..Blah Blah Blah he went into drilling me on some third degree trip..(guilty clue number one when you know your wrong flip that shit to make it look like she is the one wrong)..NOT I had more traps to set for your ass..this was clue number one to my TRUTH..I let that one go and waited and watched and then the next Sat. he came over and we spent most of the morning together now one thing that was true his family did blow his damn phone up he could not get a damn moment in to himself for real..especially his kids and I always wondered why since the main child that blew his phone up was the one living with him (Hmmm)..she blew it up like I have not seen you in days and where you at this is our time kind of thing. Then one time his mother called him and I listen to everything he use to call me a ear hustler...LOL now get this one he said to her I called you as soon as I got up..(BINGO) why are you calling her when your suppose to be living with her...he noticed my body lanague changed and he started being all lovey with me and ate my pussy to distract that mind..NOT..it felt good though..LOL So as time went on I started watching him more close and I started investigating some shit...GOOGLE is a motherfucker if you use it right...LOL He was in suspect mode with me now and I was on a mission and had to play the part to the very end now.. I went into some deep research on that ass and the line of business I am in..I have resources to grab info on people because that is part of what I do so I used the tools I had on his ass and in doing so I pulled his name and a whole address came up that was NOT his mother's so I did not trip at first..I figured it maybe a old one maybe when he was married but I kept a mental note of that shit..sure did..LOL Then I Google some of his ID names he used..because he was good for having secret online pages pretending to be somebody other then who he was..and I found a lot of shit..he was registered on a online dating site (Pently of Fish or something like that) and I ran across a site that did themes for your cell phone that he was on..I checked that one out and guess what I found..under his old screen name and it was dated like months ago whoever it was made a request for the owner of site to do a theme and Thanked them but after the comment ended SHE (I said SHE) wrote Thanks L (that's what we will call her)..I was tripping even though it was months ago still it was under his name and it was during the time we were still together...Kept that one for a mental note also... Things at this point started falling in my lap..another weekend came and we did our normal chilling watching the TV and we always ordered out when I did not feel like cooking I was hungry and wanted him to go get it..so when he left he took my car like he always did he left his keys to his car on my counter..I went to get something to drink and noticed he had a key chain on it..I picked it up to see what was on it and it was an engraved chain with one side his name and the other side Looking forward to more Love L...I was broiling at this point but had to stay clam because losing your cool always put a stopper into what your true focus was..so when he got back we sat down and started eating and I asked him who is L? Guess what came out of his mouth...What did she call?..WTF..and why and how would she been calling me..I was like What do you mean? he was like she was a old girlfriend he use to talk to why and I said why do you feel she would call me and he went into some bullshit about how one of his ex called and tried to start some bullshit with his wife...and he thought it was happening again..well no Nigga she did not call..LOL But on the flip side why you carrying around a key chain she gave you if she is your ex? He was like he was cleaning his room and found it and he needed one and did not think much about it and just put it on his keys...(Now how he thought I believe that bullshit) and then he said this is a easy fix I will take it off your right I should not be carrying around a old girlfriend key chain..(Whatever Nigga) then I went into who was she to you he was like she was just a very good friend of his at a time he needed her to be and they still talk but not on that level anymore...(Aint that the typical Excuse Bullshit)..But me being who I was I watched that body lanague and his ass was suspect at this point he was nervous like a motherfucker..and when I did not trip on it anymore he got calm like a stream of water. So I watched and waited and watched now at this time Christmas was coming around again and the same ole song and dance from last year arrived..he started acting depressed because he claims he could not get his kids anything for Christmas and he hated this time a year..now me being who I am I cannot stand to see a child go without a Christmas because as poor as my family was growing up my mother and father always made a way for us to have something under that tree..we may have paid for it later but they did it. So my kind heart set in motion and I ask him what can I do to help he was like if I could he needed help with getting his two youngest kids a bike and he could handle the rest...I bought both of them a bike and on the day we were picking the baby's bike up on our way to get something to eat we stop at a cell phone store so he could upgrade his oldest child cell program and get one for my child... but in leaving we stop at the gas station and as he was pumping the gas he got on the phone as he thought I could not hear him from inside the car..so of course I went into ear hustling mode..LOL and I heard him telling someone how he changed the cell program and how he was just leaving from getting the bike and then he was like OK Baby and then a pause and then he was like Ok you can pick me up in about a hour or so...I was like WTF I wanted to turn my key to the car and drive off and leave his ass standing right there STUPID..when he got in the car I lost it..FUCK IT I was like who was that you were talking too..he was like my daugther I was like Bullshit saying Ok baby you can pick me up he was like you tripping I was talking to her and then she put my sister on the phone and I told her she can come grab me from my mother's house because my car is down..Blah Blah Motherfucking Blah..then I went into saying I knew you live with someone I knew it..Who the fuck was that on the phone..he was like take me home and you can take the bike back too..I was at that point cool Fuck You Bitch trying to play somebody sideways. As we were driving i was like think quick because I don't want to bust his ass like this I need more info THINK quick..it was very quiet on the way back to his mother's house (that was always the pick up and drop off point). When we got in front of the house I went into I am so sorry and I just feel like I am going crazy because I feel like your slipping away from me and I cannot stop it..BLAH BLAH BLAH and then the tears came... he looked at me and told me to stop crying and I need to stop jumping the gun all the time..(HAAAAAAA I am a good actress when I want to be) we kissed and made up (So he thought) and I dropped him off over his sister's house where ever one seemed to be at and I went on my way home thinking this motherfucker boats is slowing sunking for real. As the weeks past everything was the same nothing pretty much change but the distance between us seem to take a toll on me..I started getting use to him not being around..but I still felt the need to find out the truth...my job had a after work affair at the very place me and him had our first date and I thought it would be cool if he came since he loved playing pool early in the week I told him about it and of course like always he said he wanted to go but the day approached and he had another tradegy..(Like clockwork) But after I left the place one of my co-workers ask me if I could take her home now she lived in the same direction of his mother's house and so after I dropped her after I felt the need to just drive past his house...But on my way back on the freeway I hit a huge pop hole and got a flat tire and now I was like shit I came up and tried to find a gas station no one was to be seen no where it was late and I did not know where the hell I was so I called him and of course he did not answer so I sent him a text saying I need you now seeing we went thru this before he calls me back right away and tells me he was over his sister's house..I told him I have a flat tire and I needed to know where I was he was more concerned about why I was where I was then helping me out..I got off the phone with him and called my mother and she called a tow for me..as I sat in the gas station waiting on the truck he calls me and trys to stay on the phone with me and kept asking me if I wanted him to come...I got so annoyed at him asking me that like he wanted me to just say don't come I am alright and at that point I did not want his company because you should of just came no questions asked. The truck to so long i took my chances on just driving home on a busted tire and rim..so what I am alone and I am not risking anything happening to my kids mother....he call himself keeping me company via phone all the way home until I got home and all while he did this I was thinking I need to end this bullshit for real..I need someone that can truly be there for me when I needed them ( not some half ass for the moment comfort) or I need to be alone for real no play play shit. He never had my back when the shit was going wrong for me not like I jumped in my Wonder Woman suit in a heartbeat for him. After that night I started just making shit happen like telling him I am coming over with no warning just calling shit out and not into his phone calls much anymore..I was getting tried of this shit and he seemed very content with the shit but you know what God do not like ugly for real and he tried to warn him Nigga your shit coming to a end also..I remember one night when he did not answer his phone for hours and he went to telling me this crazy lie about his Ipod burned his cell out..LMAO God broke his rod on the car and I heard that shit pop too it happen right after that lie left his mouth..he was fucked..I was cracking up..you can't play with fire and dont get burned. Oh Yeah his shit was coming to a end and maybe he knew or maybe he did not but it was coming and he never knew or expected when and how it was going down...But I did...Stay tuned to the Meeting that ended all of this shit finally and began my nightmare journey to healing. (The finally Part to this mess is next)

Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. Five)

(Disclaimer: I understand a lot of people I care about will and have been reading this..and I want to warn you now because some of you are really getting upset without the understanding of the story and why it is being told... the next parts will be even more harsh and if you will not be able to handle it..then I suggest you stop at this disclaimer. This is my story something I feel I need to tell and release..holding it in for me causes me more pain then I want to keep enduring, this is not about YOU its about ME..and if you cannot understand that then Don't READ... Thank you)

The events that are to follow for the rest of this story I believe is what still got me in stuck mode. The things this man had done to me was quite unheard of for a woman my age to go thru.. I mean this is some high school bullshit, not a situation a woman that is going into her 40's should be even approached with. Anyway I once again started to watch his page but not like before it was kinda of different..my feelings on it was turning and it became a mission for me. As time went on she did not come on that often but when she did it was like she knew something and she was trying to get something started because you go on her page and he has not commented it or even sent a reply back..he never commented on any of her blogs..NOTHING but would speak to every one else on his friendslist..he kinda of treated her like he was treating me on the net.. (BINGO first clue)..the only thing with me is I kinda of demanded his presence on my blogs because writing is everything to me and I wanted my MAN's input more then anyone else on that site. I did not care if no one else said a word to me..BUT my man you need to be front and center showing support for your woman if nothing else. As time went on I watched this woman but did not react..one day when she came on and called him Daddy..I replied back to it like why is this woman calling you Daddy.. that shit is disrespectful to e in my face especially since I noticed he had the nerve to not remove it..he kept ignoring me which sent me into a further rage. Of course I called him and we started fighting and he went into I told myself I would not fight with you about this Internet shit again..I was like FUCK YOU then if these women mean this much to you that you would risk me then FUCK YOU...I was so hurt he was treating me this why and in my face...BASTARD...he talked so much about how people did this to him and that to him hurting him and he was hurting people himself...No situation entitles you to bleed a unknowing and unwilling soul..NOTHING... anyway I calmed down and started missing him again DAMN..I apologized for blowing up but told him you need to understand this..he went into I don't think I am right for you... ( I should of took him up on that). I went into my Obama speech to get him to try again. So we went on this merry go round for a while me knowing he was not happy but me still wanting him so bad I did not let it click in...I still did not want to lose him (Now why..I still do not know). Things seemed OK especially around the time to pay that laptop bill or his cell..we went out to places and of course I footed the bills on all of it because if I waited on him we would never do anything. I did noticed that when it came to go out with his family he always came up with money for those events.. (so he said). I started questioning him about the fact he could not buy me even a Damn card..he was like I would if I could any little money I get is for the kids...and of course I am not a heartless person my kids come first also so I let that excuse ride. But the spending time which each other now THAT had to change it was a little over a year and I needed some different shit to start happening with us and for him to stop acting like we are in dating stages with benefits..everything I was doing on my end was leading up to longevity with him..a FUTURE..But as the tables would turn he was not even in the same book as I. He still talked about moving to Ohio when school let out for the semester..my on the other end hoping something would change with his situation so he did not have to make that move and he soon wanted the same thing so I started helping him with the job hunting process..updating his resume posting it on different work site..emailing him any jobs I felt met his qualifications even putting the word out on the streets for anyone hiring among my friends.. I was a really good woman to this man in ever since of the word. My favorite singer of all time was coming to town and I never..I say NEVER miss out on seeing her when she is here... I wanted to go so bad I purchased two tickets for us to go and he was excited about it also...the first concert date he could not go with me so we settled on the second one. I was so excited the days leading up to the concert this showed me real promise with us also...a chance to really be a real couple in public more then we had been..I wanted to be a part of his world and he mine so bad I could taste it. The day before the concert we talked about going to get him a new outfit because I had just got me one..always do when going to see my girl. Anyway we went shopping for his outfit and could not find the right shoes though but we got something together so he would be right on point for our girl. The night of the concert was a beautiful one I picked him up so we could get dress together at my house..I was so excited and refuse to let any issue we were having be a part of that night..this was our night and I was taking full advantage of the moment. I loved him so much..we had so much fun that night...whatever problem we had was washed away after that night..Jill Scott has a way of clearing people's head and making everything feel real good. The company..conversation and moment was NICE..I will never forget it Never...As the days that followed the concert things were going pretty good for us it was almost like we were getting closer he started expressing the fact of him wanting to really find a job here in town. But all of a sudden the comments started again on his page and this time I did not trip..I mean what was the point of it and I told him about it but was not all flipped out about it and he was like sending me back to back texts expressing how shocked he was that I was finally not letting that bullshit get to me...Yeah I told him sometimes you just got to see things for what it really was...(But I knew better then that)..especially after I received a weird ass IM from a unknown person telling me that your man is unworthy and get this they used my real name also..I was like WTF..so I decided to do some investigating on my part..I first informed him of this and he replied back with it must be someone that knows you..No one on the net knows my real name but close people like you and my sisters. So I created this fake page just for that purpose of pulling some shit out of people because I felt someone was trying to tell me something. So I created this page and I sent a message to who first Miss P herself with her Spank me Daddy comments..I pointed out things like he is a gentlemen pimp and he is not single and do you notice how he do not comment or flirt with you openly on your page..that type of stuff to rough her feathers...and guess what I did..it just so happen this woman loves to blast people and things on her page because I had been watching her page for months and notice how she has this I do not give a Fuck attitude..I knew if something was happening she would spill with no problem..so I picked at it like a sore on your feet..LOL I went for her because I would ask about her a lot due to her comments and his thing was she is BI and I do not do BI women...(Can we say BULLSHIT)..anyway she posted a blog just like I knew she would about how someone name Ms. J was sending her message about someone she was talking to and in this blog she kinda of pointed out somethings like if he was your boyfriend he wasn't last night..(Damn thats a song) and she also pointed out like in references to him I know and always knew you are full of shit and its about to hit the fan now..I was cracking up after I read her shit..she had a way with words..kind of like me...She also pointed out if the messages continued she would start calling people out..LMAO..I was like now we talking so me being that true Scorpio Ass I kept sending them...I need some shit to spill and she was going to do the pouring for me. In a sick way this was kind of exciting to me..the whole Private Eye thing I had going on..I love getting results to hidden BULLSHIT I do. But down on the home front away from the page we were still doing our same once a week seeing and having sex kind of BS..anyway back to the page this last message I sent her I called out names using my name to throw her off further fro it being me sending them..I was talking cash money shit in that message...now some shit must of happen to the both of them on top of my sneaky message shit because she let loose in this next blog on the real... she came out and talked about how she always knew he was full of shit about flirting with her in the open and if you love someone like he claimed he did he would shout that shit with no fear. Now I am reading this shit and getting heated as hell...so I commented on it could not help myself..I said So he told you he loved you..and at that point the shit was out and she replied back with Yes and more we need to do tea because I got more and with that being said..FUCK private messages and IM messages...call me..I gave her my number and another Demon drop door open to Hell. She called me and ask me do I remember that weekend back in June when he went out of town..I was like Yeah he told me he was going to Ohio to see his brother..Do you stay in Ohio..she was like HELL Naw and he came to see me the whole weekend we were in the hotel fucking..I almost fell out my chair..I was at work and could not scream like I wanted to..she was like check his phone bill girl we have been chatting for months and he came to see me and he ate my pussy the whole damn weekend...I was in a surreal at this point this was not happening, if anything I just thought it was some intense Internet chatting bullshit like the other women I had found out about. She went to telling me how he wanted her to have his Baby and he wanted to move down there where she lived and they had a plan mapped out for some time in Nov. I wanted to throw up so bad...I refuse to believe what she was saying but had to keep listening..I told her I paid for the rental for him to go to his brother's thing...she was like that is a Damn shame...she always knew about me but he told her I was helping him with some financial shit and he was just trying to keep the friendship going or some shit like that. She told me about how he came to her about the blogs she was writing saying I think your trying to mess my money up and this was not just talk she forwarded me all of the text messages and she emailed me all of the IM she had from him. In it him talking about how he sucked her clit for a whole hour and how he sucked her toes and how he missed her and loved her but the thing that got me in the bathroom with a cold rag on my face was the pictures she forward to me of him at his brother's wedding and of his kids and his mother..Now I have never seen his mother not even a pic and it was over a year we were seeing each other and after a couple of months of just chatting he send a pic to this woman..I was out done and then she forward me pics of his dick that he sent to her..I did not know who this person was she was talking about it was like I was fucking and helping a monster all of this time..at that point I did throw up and got very dizzy when I saw those pics..I could not believe this shit was happening she totally dogged his ass out on how broke he was and everything from the half on the pizza to his penis to him flushing the hotel receipt down the toilet to his only ability was eating pussy..I was out done, she even told me they had been having phone sex for months and he was addicted to the shit and one time he tracked her ass down begging her to get him off..WTF was that I did not know this man she was talking about at all ( And to think I wanted to do this with him and he never would admit even masturbating to me..all the freak he was looking for was in me already and more). I called him and went off and he got all nervous and said WTH let me call you back I knew he was calling her because I was on the other line with her and she told me he was calling but she did not answer the phone. This lying ass motherfucker calls me back and admits he did sleep with her and he really did go to Ohio and a lot of what she said was made up and that he rode there for a couple of hours only. Then he went into saying I told you I needed sometime away to get myself together..WTF is that you BASTARD..get the fuck away but not at my expense do you realize what the hell you have done..I have been helping you cheat on me with chatting with women and now going to see them every time I paid that phone bill..every time I paid that laptop bill..when I rented that car you used me you BITCH. And now you got this cocky ass excuse of why like it was my fault I brought this sick ass action on...Kiss my Ass. I wanted him to come to my house and bring me that damn laptop I was not letting him keep that after this shit happen..especially since I still consider it a loan until he paid for it. He tried with all of his might to get out of coming to see me..NAW you will not get off easy with a phone call or text I want to see your punk ass face to face. How you going to do this shit all cocky and shit and scared to face the music you were not scared to let me do all of this shit all at the expense of me being played like a fool so you could travel five hours to be stuck in a hotel room eating pussy did you..so no this is my time and my terms you had your say and play. He came over like I requested with no laptop but with a DVD he handed me and ask me to look at after he left...WTH is some more bullshit to find out. He was so nervous I guess he thought I was going to go crazy cat fighting on his ass or some shit..I had calmed down believe it or not by the time he came over.. I just wanted to know why..he went into going back on his failed marriage that ended like a couple of years ago..every time he fucked up he went right back to that shit.. I mean Nigga grow the fuck up and move on for real you did that shit because you wanted to nothing ore or less...your Ex wife ain't make you do shit..he went into talking about how nobody came to his aide and helped him move on from that divorce and shit...truth of the matter your a man with children you move on that shit you ain't no Damn Baby..can't go walking all over people's heart because yours is broke..go hide your ass in a corner until it mends or some shit..don't come to the world all broken and shit looking for people to take pity. After me screaming at him crying all over him shoveling those nasty ass pics in his face she sent me...how did the whole thing turn around and end in his favor again..me with my stupid ass and weak ass heart felt for the shit he was telling me I mean he opened up to me on a whole new level ( I thought)..he went into some real personal stuff that I kinda of suspected but he confirmed it and he also told me he really did want to try to be my man and he promise as soon as his mother stuff was right within a month I could met her. I wanted to believe him so bad still hurt from that stuff I just took in..I agree to try and start again with him...(Man this was some crazy as hold he had on me)..Now that I knew about what had been going down for some reason I could not shake it or the fact it was something else he was not telling me... I continued to talk to Miss P...I found a very usually closeness to her..she enlighten me on many levels about this man I was dealing with and in talking to her I found out she was very much like me on a younger level I could see his attraction to her for real. In the next few months he did really try to be more of what I needed of him..we talked more and I did see a kind of change in him...I wanted to try and trust him again he also was trying to come out and do more things with me..and I noticed him throwing more of himself into his school work and less on the net and when he did come online he would start acknowledging more on there..it was going pretty smooth until...Stay Tuned..nothing would prepare anyone for what was to come..I need to breath a minute before I start this next part (I guess Yall say Damn it's more..Oh Yeah it is)..this is bringing out so many emotions in me right now BUT I must go on...Stay Tuned

Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. Four)

I picked him up from the train station the night he came back from his so called trip to see his family and took him to my house where he showered and we went to bed without really saying anything to each other after the drama that went down while he was out there...the next morning we talked about my insecurities and fears with him and how he just lied about that stupid stuff for no reason..I wanted him to start treating me with respect and thinking of my feelings as I have always done for him...he agreed to work on us and I agreed to work on my temper and try not to take the things I see on the internet out of hand. I took him to his mother's house where he claimed he lived kissed him Goodbye and I felt hope in us again if it was just for a minute. I truly did love this man with everything and wanted it to work for us both. Things did start to get better and he stopped coming on his page as much or not at.. I noticed that when we were not talking about the internet and all we were a pretty good couple. In the meantime he gave the woman her laptop and they broke ties off from each other..Why I would never understand why he did that but as the story goes on she is glad their friendship ended the way it did. Seeing he was trying to get another laptop on his own and I knew his Bday was coming up I decided to try and help him get one. I approached him with it but he wanted to pay for it and just have me get it on my account, I ask him how will you pay for it when you do not have a job.. I mean hell I had been paying his cell bill for months and helping him get that car fix when it was breaking down..he told me he would find a way to get me the money each month he could not have me buy him a laptop like that.. Ok so he was convincing so i helped him get it and the first month installment I took care of so they could ship it out... now all while this was going on he still wanted to keep some distance from me saying he thinks he needs to be single if just for a minute and my dumb butt so in love with him said I could be friends with him.. (NOT) right after I said that the damn laptop came in the mail and I started regretting doing it.. I mean that nudge kept being there in my side.. Like what the hell are you doing type of nudge. ..run the hell away from this blood sucker type of nudge...but of course what do we do when we are denial..we ignore it and keep enduring the bullshit. I fought myself on telling him that damn thing came but I lost because I let him come and take it... he was so excited about getting it was like he dropped everything to come see me then...SMDH I crave him so much just to be next to him I could not see what he was doing. Oh yeah after that he was all loving with me because he got what he wanted out of me..after he was out of my site and in his comfort zone where ever he was he got real cocky again with me and became aggressive with his feelings towards me all behind the PC or phone of course but when it came time to pay that phone or laptop bill he would be right on point with the kissing of the ass and tried to be my man again. I was such a sucker for this fool it was not even funny and it started bringing me down and affecting my health in a major way..he was so self absorbed he did not even notice it.. I would not sleep or eat for days worried about where he was and who he was with... I demanded he call me or text me or something.. I always had this feeling of something aint right because I was still acting like my cousin on the IM and I saw what he was saying to her telling her me and him broke up but he only dealt with me because we have some unfinished business to take care of.. Can you imagine how hard it was to keep all of that inside and play this game with him...to see in plain day how out cold and cold hearted this man I claimed to be so much in love with was making a fool out of me behind my back. He managed to come up with the money for one month installment for the laptop he told me he got the money from his sister.. it was always his sister or mother as the go to person when he would have new shit or bills paid... (found out different.. wait til the next part of this story). So I said ok maybe he is trying but it was all part of his plan to sink me deeper into trusting him to no end... I said he paid one month and that is all it was.. the laptop was a total of five payments when it was all said and done. Every month it was always a new story of why he can't pay so he called himself making a deal with me..check this out.. " Baby if I get the money for my cell can you do the computer this month"...This is me.. " Oh Yeah Baby I got you".. (How you going to make a deal with me on your shit..to pay your shit) His Birthday was approaching and so the laptop was not consider a gift as far as I was concerned since he claimed he was going to be paying me for it( I never mentioned the money again but I still wanted it back DAMNIT just because I did not say anything do not mean it was not still there).. I decided to do something special for him.. now we had kinda of sort been like broke up but still reaping the benefits of boyfriend girlfriend right.. meaning still having sex. Ok so thats not really broke up right..LOL Anyway I knew he always wanted to get another Tattoo and I had two myself and wanted another one so one weekend when he was over on our Saturday ( I called it) we went riding around trying to find a Tattoo place and the right picture he wanted one on his arm and me on my back. We did not get anywhere that day and the one shop we ran into was too high.. so he knew his sister was going to get one and he asked her about her place.. he was once again all excited and sent me pics of his sisters tattoo and I liked it and told him we can go check it out.. So that next Saturday we went...now I noticed from the time we got in the car he was on that phone just a texting... he knew that was a major pet peeva of mine because that shit is rude as hell and sneaky...he claimed it was his brother from Ohio and he was at work and could not be on his cell like that and they were talking about him coming there for his daugther's Baptist ism. I did not want to argue on ruining the day with what I thought it really was so I let it go.. I mean come on this man lie like it was a way of life very easy he did this without a blink. So we got to the Tattoo shop he knew just what he wanted and we both picked it out he went first.. he got two like Joker mask and I got a Butterfly.. but as I was getting mine he was over there sitting on the couch back to that damn texting again I mean and was really into it to.. I was getting pissed. As we were going back to my place he kept talking about this trip to his brother house and how his brother do not deal with anyone but him and he really wanted to go and show his support.. I am like thinking this Nigga trying to ask something without asking.. I am hip. So as time goes on he kept talking about this trip to Ohio and how he was going to get his sister to rent a car so he could go.. now he would always bring shit up like that too me and around me knowing I will be like Baby you don't have to ask your sister I can get the car you.. (Such a dumb ass I was), He was like Naw Baby I will try to get it.. I said ok and left it alone..then a couple of days later it was his sister cant get it on the card can you do it and I will pay for it..now you know how this went.. Yeah Baby I can get the car on my card for you.. I mean this was my man what women would not do for their MAN right beside I did not want to look like the one that could not get him to his brother thing. So I did it..he was all excited about that wanted to go get him some shorts for the visit because he claimed he did not have any..only one pair.. so of course I offered to do that also seeing I did not want him going down there looking all homely..I mean just like a man would do for his woman to make her look good I wanted my MAN to look good too.. he was just down on his luck right now and I mean really he was trying.. ( I think LOL) I gots to laugh doing this story because it keeps me from crying.. it does. So anyway the day came for him to get ready for his weekend trip... I went to get him from some cousin's house.. (Stay tuned for this one).. I thought it was strange how he was going in and out of the house while I waited in the car like he lived there or something (It use to burn him up how close attention I pay to things.. Well I would not be who I am now if I did not)..because he brought his bag to the car and was like wait a minute I forgot something and went in thru the front and came out the back like he was locking up the house...HIS house.. I ask him who's house is this and he was like my cousin's house and I said where is your car... he was like I am letting my niece keep it so she can get back and forth to work...he always used that excuse when his car would up and disappear also...I thought you are a really.. really..really nice uncle... Shittttttttt...So we left that place to go to my place where he spent the night with me so we could get up and do the rental car thing before I go in to work...we thought after we get the car we may have time to stop and get him a couple of pair of shorts also. We had it all planned for his weekend get away..but something still did not sit well with me and it started when I went to that house to pick him up. He talked about how his brother was so excited to see him and how they have not seen each other for a while. After we made love I fell a sleep quick but he did not..he stayed up watching TV but he was texting again.. I looked up and said what are you doing and he said I am texting my brother about tomorrow while he is at work. So I laid back down but here is the really weird part... he came to bed with his phone something he never did.. and was like keeping it upon the window like he was waiting on a call in the middle of the damn night.. I act like I was sleep because I am a very light sleeper when I want to be and listened and waited as he did... and then all of a sudden he grabs his phone slides out the bed like I can't feel or hear him.. and he goes to the bathroom first and then he leaves the bathroom and goes into my office..I knew what he was doing (TEXTING) BUT I could not move.. I could not get my ass out that bed.. I was stuck..I was numb.. I could not move... when he came back to bed I was like what you doing he said nothing I thought my phone went off. YEAH fucking right!!!! Here is me..Oh ok Baby.. I love you and him.. Love you too....The next morning we got up and went to the car rental place..my card did not go thru at the first place and for some reason I panic ed and was like Baby we are going to get this car we went back to my house and I rush to find another car place that would accept my card..it was like I was trying to prove myself to him..he waited patiently why I did all of this crazy ass running around for HIM all trying to make it to work on time so he can make it to HIS shit. Anyway we got the car did not have time to get the shorts..we kiss Good Bye and he was off for his weekend and oh I slip him a little something for gas since he mentioned about borrowing money from his SISTER again..I pretty much knew he only had his unemployment check which was not much because of all his kids he had...I wanted him to be straight.. (Just like taking care of a kid aint it not a grown ass man). That weekend was a long one for me but he seem better then he did the last time he went out of town he called me on point and I tried not to bother him this time to much..I tried to really trust him..I cleaned my house all weekend and I noticed something while cleaning my room.. I had got these sex gel liquids you know for oral sex for us to use and one of the flavors was missing.. I kinda of dismissed it but not at the same time..(Keep this in a mental note folks). Anyway the day he came back was Father's day and he called me on his way in and let me know he will be to my house in the morning to drop the car off... I was cool. After that weekend he seem to be acting better with me and him and it lasted like a couple of weeks then one weekend he came over and was like we need to talk... He was I am going to move out to Ohio..it has been a year since I have worked and this is not like me and my uncle offered me a job out there as his accounting or something like that.. I was like Oh wow your going to move out there and he was like just until I can get back on my feet but I will be back and forth since my kids are still here.. I was shocked but there was nothing I could really say he made up his mind then he went to saying about how a old girlfriend had once told him I love you enough to let you go.. I was like what he was trying to break it off again .. I was out done... I went and sat in my living room and cried I was like nothing I do or say NOTHING this man do not love me and I dont think he never did or will I have been a damn fool all this time and he has been playing on it also.. it was harsh but I got sad and mad at the same time..he felt that and dropped the whole subject never to mention it for a minute the following weeks was a rough one for us and I started noticing things on his page again...one woman out stood more then all with her "Hey DADDY" and "Spank me DADDY" comments and "Thank you for everything you know what I am talking about" and in I would like to welcome...MISS P herself...she broke the mold and open a whole new can of worms on the real.. I never could imagine what her story would bring to me and neither did he or any of you...Next part The Beginning leading to the END ( Oh Yeah its a lot more of this bullshit and more then anyone could imagine)..Stay Tuned

Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. Three)

Trying to write this story in one shot back to back seems to be harder then I thought it would be even though I am not giving every little detail about me and him I am trying to give you a nice picture of what it was I went though in this situation. As I stated in Part 2 the love I had for this man was unreal in my own and anyone for that matter definition of what love should of been..no one should ever give themselves to a person the way I gave to this man..no one... I continued to try to be the best person and woman I could for this man because I was raised to stick it though once you set a commitment you see it thru to the deadly end...this is a Fucked up way to raise a child just horrible..it sets them up for failure to some degree. I gave to this man something he could never and would never give to me and that was Self..I gave all of me to get back nothing but grief and internal pain that continues to haunt me to this day. I started suspecting other things with him at this point that was outside of the Internet but I was so caught up in the disrespectful things that was taking place on his page and the pages he tried to hide from me I did not focus a whole lot on the nudge I was getting outside that PC telling me GIRL you got bigger problems then this...I started forcing the issue of us spending more time together and me meeting his family..I mean DAMN it was over a year. We fought all the time over stupid little stuff he became real snappy with me, He started sending me PUNKASS texts telling me he was unhappy and he did not think he was right for me..see he always called himself getting brave behind technology...this is where he do not have to show his true ugly face. I was not accepting that punk ass shit..he owed me more then a text and IM..you want to break it off with me come to me and tell me as a MAN (you say you are) suppose to be and talk to me give me a reason some closure so I can move on (THE TRUTH)..so we went thru this merry go round of him trying to ease away from me but still not going anywhere for a while. See my problem with this is because I know most of you are saying why play this game let this coward motherfucker GO.. See I am a stubborn ass woman and I needed to know why and the real reason he wanted to let this relationship just go..because my gut just told me he is so full of shit...I just really wanted to bust him on his shit..Yeah I did..PLUS I really was in love with this fool and you all know how we do when we are in love we get stupid. After a while he started trying to work it out again with me and the issue was dropped but we still was having some issue with this Internet thing it was like he was addicted to the shit and got a BIG attitude if anything was mentioned...Which everyone knows that shows GUILT big time so me suspecting him never went away never..I said to myself this Nigga is the type that has to be taught a hard ass lesson not a soft quiet one..a hard LOUD one. Once school started to really jump off he started to use this excuse to distance himself along with him spending time with his children..he use that excuse like water man for real at this point I started to care and not care because it was one lie after another after another like he had some type of sickness..but the love was still there I started to become drained with him but could not let him go...very weird. He would come over but the visit started to change he would sit at a distance and no matter how sexy I looked and smell I would be all in his face he would try his best not to touch me which did not work..because come on all this ass I got your going to hit it unless your gay..LOL I knew then he was seeing someone else because there was no way you go from craving the pussy to avoiding it for no fucking real good reason at all and I was right I mean he even started to kiss me different...I suspected someone on the Internet first like on that damn friendlist of his so I decided to play a little game myself. I got with a cousin of mine from out of town and clued her in on something I was trying to do..of course she was all in to help her big cousin out she created a page and befriend him..and of course like a lot of men he fell for the big butt and a smile. I let her chat with him for a while so he could get a comfortable feeling towards her but she started to get mad because she was telling and showing me what he was saying and she got very upset that he was disrespecting me the way he was doing first saying he was single then how he was trying to act like me and him just broke up and he was just being my friend to ease my feelings from him. So she did not want to play anymore because she wanted to cuss his lying ass off bad..so I took over the role and cont. the chats as her. He never knew the difference we would talk for hours all during the day of course during normal people work hours (because he was unemployed you know but telling people online he was a salesman..a salesman alright..he sold decent). It took all I had not to bust his ass because as me as her he was flirting with her..I started flirting with him just to see if he would do it back and he did..BOY I was heated he wanted to meet her and everything. He started being real cocky with the shit too..he would start coming over when it was for a purpose either money or gifts he never came over just because he wanted to see me anymore there always had to be a purpose a reason..something to do with money always...one day he started talking about how he needed a laptop for school how he was not able to keep up with his homework using other people's computer..so of course my dumb ass trying to help this fool that was clearly dogging me help him get one..we would watch the shopping network and stop in office supply places trying to find a good deal...then one day he called me and told me he had a laptop his Godmother gave it to him. I was like she just gave you a laptop just like that and he went into it was used and she wanted to help me with school and everybody knew how bad i was trying to get one...Now you know that was BULLSHIT but I let it go and did not push at it. As time went on it was up and down for me and him still having this major issue with the Internet..One day I went on his page like I do every morning to put my Hugs and Smiles on his page I seen another woman on there calling him Baby and some other stuff I ask him about it and the fight began and at this point I was already fed up with this nigga knowing his DDay was coming I told him you know what do you and I hung up and started deleting my page...while in the middle of me removing shit I get a message from one of his friends on his list telling me she knows I am upset with him but I need to know that he does love me. I was like what the hell is this..I replied back asking her you know about me and him and she said yes and she also knows that the comments the women on his page have been making is upsetting to me also. I was knocked the hell over with what she was saying.. I ask her to move the convo to the IM window and I found out this woman was a true friend to him and he actually talked about me to her I was out done. Out done I say because he so tried to hide us to the Internet and to the real world I never could imagine he actually mention my name and us being a couple to anyone. Me and this woman started to become friends since he had been telling her about us anyway I felt I could talk to her about the things that bothered me about him and our so called relationship..Shit I needed someone that truly understood what I was going thru just so I could vent...over time me and this woman became such good friends she started to see me and see HIM in a different light she started noticing things that I had refuse to see and admit because I was too into it with him. Like for instance he told me he wanted to go visit his family out of town and that he was going to leave for a week and go out there..well while he was out there he talked to me the whole train ride there and we set it up where i would be picking him up when he got back but once he got there the story changed... the first day he called but after that he would go for hours not answering a text or a call and as we women know our intentions about things started to kick in.. I was talking to our girlfriend and informed her of what was going on and when he did call back he would give me some storyline 0f how in some places out there you cant get a signal..just lying. She listen to what I said and then she told me "Honey I hate seeing you go thru this let me tell you something Don't let that man treat you like some Hoe"..there is no excuse for him not to call you back and too take hours to get back to you is unacceptable. She texts him and ask him if he was out there seeing another woman he replied back to her and told her he was not and answered back like he was offended she would even ask him something like that. As me and her chatted more she told me she had somethings she wanted to ask me and thought this was a good time to ask because she was seeing this man she thought was a friend to her in a different light I mean she thought of him as her little brother. She asked me if I knew she sent a laptop to him..I was like WHAT...she said yeah I sent him a laptop a while ago to help him out with school. I told her no he told me he got the laptop from his Godmother...she was boiling she was like why would he lie about something like that...it was a stupid ass lie and not called for...she said me and him do not have anything going on but a friendship and I sen him the laptop because I have so many and I told him he could use it while he was in school. Well since he lied about that she went on to ask me about Christmas and if he got me anything..I told her no because we both had decided because he was not working we would not exchange gifts..she paused and then told me she had helped him with Christmas also she sent his children some clothes and she sent him some gifts certificates to places to eat and she told him to use at least one of them to take me out.... NOT I never heard about any of this stuff she was talking about and you would think after all the stuff I was doing for him he would of thought enough to say I should do something special for this girl after all she has been there for me..I mean if we did go out who do you think paid for everything..it was not a issue but I should of made it one. She then told me listen if he can go out and get him Subway and Chinese and this and that he can buy you a card..she then told me he was using me and I needed to rethink this relationship with him because he was a user and now she was ready to get her laptop back from him because he lied to her also. She told me she thought she was helping a friend in need as I thought I was helping my MAN get back on his feet because she helped him and I helped him and his mother..sister and so on..this man had so much support from women no wonder he knows nothing about being a MAN. He was a pity hustler he played on that to get good women with great hearts to support his sorry ass. She also informed me that he asked her how far Kansas was because he had a friend out there...now me and her thinking and talking about this all while he was on his so called trip to see his family... anyway she said right after he said that a woman that was on his friendlist kept popping on her page making comments and when she replied back she noticed she was from Kansas..and then she noticed some of the things she said on his page..she just threw that out there for me so I started watching her and soon after that she started popping on my page also. Go figure he ask..he went and she appeared..LOL it don't even matter anymore.. because the next part is a bigger fish to fry. Stay Tuned

Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. Two)

What better way to pick up where I left off at then with the internet drama I experienced with him..like I was saying before the comments were more personal then your regular Hello..How you doing type of stuff..now it was not with every woman but just a couple was one that caught my eye right after his Birthday I found out later she followed him there from another site she would leave comments like...I wanted to say Happy Bday to you but you won't pick up your phone and I am sorry about last night baby I will make it up...I was like WTF!! I approached him and he would give some lame ass excuse saying he talk to her on the messanger sometimes and this one night she fell asleep while they were chatting and she was a good friend of his from some old job...(BULLSHIT)..after that she started to not show up so much on the page BUT here comes another one and this one is the one that turned a lot of things around for me and gave me a new outlook on him...this woman would leave messages in another lanague to him like codes...now mind you he knew I was watching all of this and the fights started...he started acting funny outside of the computer also..he started not answering his phone for hours and when he did it was always from the car. I questioned everything as I should and this drove us deeper into more of a division. This woman was very blunt about her feelings and made it known they had a outside relationship also...he would always say she is just a friend but he started catching feelings for her I could tell because he defended her actions and I saw him more on her page then mine... at this point I thought this motherfucker must think I am stupid and can't get anyone besides his ass he got me fucked up HE did not know how many men came to me in the real and cyber world he was totally taking advantage of my love for him and started doggin me out by being disrespectful. I started talking to other guys too but none of them got my mind off this fool..SMDH...I invited this woman to my friendlist she accepted and come to find out she and he were talking for months and he started off with her the same way he started off with me and they had plans to meet each other and everything...she act as though she was shocked about us being together BUT for some reason I felt she knew about me but played on the fact that he never should of told me he was single..which she was right he was online telling women he was single when he REALLY was not and I mean REALLY ( you will know what I mean later). She was very upset with him and let him know it...he came to me trying to explain how he do not know when someone love him and he did not know how to love and BLAH..BLAH BULLSHIT..I listen and still not satisfied I had found out it was a couple of women he was telling he was single too and flirting with them off color...we talked I gave him another chance because I had no real proof he had went any further then keeping it thru the computer and phone... (I know now that shit i just said sound crazy). Well anyway he was trying to make a mends with me and started acting right again I started rethinking a lot of things with him even though I was trying to move on with him. All of a sudden he started talking to me about how unhappy he was with his job and what was going on in his personal life with his ex and his kids. I wanted to be there for my man (MY MAN RIGHT..remember this) because me being of sound strong back boned black women this is what you do...stand by your fucking man by any means...I tried to comfort him and show him how supportive and understand I could be for him...nothing seem to work so my Bday was coming up and I felt we both needed to get away and do something really special after everything that had happen the last couple of months so I booked a suite for my Bday and we stayed there the whole weekend and had a ball full of love..sex..love sex..and love again...there was no expense set for me and my Teddy..he did not have much money but he manager to get me a room full of balloons and a stuffed white puppy...(my Willow)..I chersied that more then a fur coat because I felt he gave it with true love which means more to me then how much money you have...anyway as the weekend was coming to a end we were setting plans to do it again..that weekend Bday meant more to me then the years we ever shared together. Things were good for me he changed and started a new page and everything seemed fine..until right after the Thanksgiving holiday he called me one day pissed off and told me he just got fired and the reason was the weekend of my Bday was not approved...I was like WHAT now I thought something was up to that story because my Bday was the end of Oct. and he lost his job the end of NOV...WTF I was like ok he do not want to give me the real reason why but why blame that shit on my bday and try to make me feel guilty...I mean I use to catch him in all kinds of little lies and ignored them..(BIG Mistake) I remember him acting like he was on the phone talking to his sister or mother or such trying to throw me off..I use to crack the fuck up at his stupid as for that...I said to myself then he do not know who he fucking with for real...I need to watch this shit more closely he thinks he is slick. Right after that he started acting funny again and I thought it was because his money situation was changing and he had a lot on his mind (Oh Yeah he did)...I offered my help to try to get him out of this funk...he wanted to go back to school and get a degree so I decided to help him thru it...I started paying his cell phone..bought him a jacket when his got taking..shoes..clothes...pocket money to keep gas in his car helped him get the car fixed when it would break down or needed a tire, helped him get books for school etc.,(YEAH I was real stupid for this Nigga)..help him with the kids Christmas...he needed it I got it (and as this story goes on this shit gets worst)...now he would always act like he did not ask for it..BUT first you took it and second why bring it up in my presence if you did not want my help...(The Pity Hustler)...I was really trying to be a good woman for this fool but his own greed took his evil ass to another thinking on how he can really play this game to get by. Even with me helping him he still was acting like he was unhappy and kind of pushing me away BUT not too much away because he still needed me, now when we first met he told me him and his brother and cousin shared a place and then later in the months they all moved out and went their separate ways and he went to live with his mother since she needed him..(so he said). But the real issues began when I started asking to meet them....BOY what a man will do to keep a lie going....and then the Drama begins....

Part 3 tomorrow..to be cont.

Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. One)

There were so many ways I could of started this story...I played the words out in my head so many times. Unsure of how to begin the end of a journey that has left me drained..abused..used..and numb. As I go into the reason for this sudden urge to release this out my system, let me first start by saying I am not hear to bash anyone's name or character..this is a process that God has brought forth for the only reason I can think of and that is to learn and live. I say learn and live instead of live and learn because you have to go somewhere to get somewhere..how can you live if you do not learn..so with that being said let me begin my story that will truly end to my awakening.

I really was not up for anymore Bullshit in my life, I mean hell I was separated from a man who I thought was the love of my life and I would surely die with. I was with my husband for 20 years of my life we had two children and a dog (lol), owned our own home at a very young age..I mean I was the first in my generation and my mother and father's generation to have a big wedding and buy a home and live the American white fence dream..so they thought. The truth is we never should of gotten married..had kids or anything. I should of ended my relationship with him long before our daugther was born. But be it as it may with most African Americans we are the product of our environment and I endured the bullshit and pain for years to come only because my mother did and her mother did and so on. A fucked up cycle that leads me to this fucked up story that I must tell right now. Anyway I was separated from my husband for going on 2 years now we had started the divorce session but nothing was final as of yet. Now he was dating and I was dating..nothing serious because I was running into nothing but empty heads. I was out of the dating game so long I never imagined it was so much bullshit out here and I was not hungry to be in no relationship with no one.. I had enough worrys with keeping my business a float and raising my children.

I had no real time and did not try to make any either to go out as my friends and family wanted me to do. So I started networking and making friends online in different social sites. This seem to be the in thing and you did not have to worry about the Bullshit in clubs and so on just chat and log off. Anyway this guy started sending me messages at a site I was rarely on..I only had it because a lot of family used it and told me it was a good way to promote my buisness.. I would go there from time to time to chat with my out of town family and all and I noticed HIM..now don't get me wrong I got a lot of messages and what nots from all types of men all the time..but this one seemed different..I irgoned him for a while and his messages seem to come like once every other week instead of every week. One night I was bored out my mind and got an alert I had a message I checked it and it was him. I went to his page and thought he seemed nice let me send him a message back not thinking he would send one right back to me. So we started chatting and the conversation would get deep..we seemed to be on the same page about a lot of things including why we BOTH were single..( you will understand why I said BOTH like that later in the story)..we had a lot of things in common and he started to be very interesting to me, I love having conversation with people that have something to say and we talked all night and it became very refreshing to me. So anyway as the days went by I found myself talking to him every moment that I was free.. we exchange messanger ID's and contiuned the friendship to another level over there. I started to become excited to hear from him with each day that came and he seem to be that way with me also...we exchanged numbers and the feelings at that point could go no where but up and more deep at that point.. I had a live voice to the face I was typing to for weeks now, we talked day and night texted while he was at work..while I was at worked..I can't remember a time when we spent at least a hour without saying something to each other in sometype of way. He was exciting to me..something new I never felt so at ease with a man like this before and he was extremely gentle with me too understanding...now coming from a background of abuse this gentleness was welcome and much needed and it took me to another level with him that later you will see I never thought I could go with anyone not even my own love for myself.

We started seeing each other..our first date was amazing to me..I will never forget us meeting at the pool hall and laughed all night..he knew I had no clue of what to do with that pool stick..but I told him I sure know how to look sex with it though..he laughed and agreed..I thought it was so cute how he tried to stay focused on the game without looking at me every second...he was my Big Teddy Bear ( a nickname I called him from that point on). After talking on the phone..online all that time we finally were going to have our first kiss. As the night ended he walked me to my car and we talked some more..I was really at awe with this man he was not my typical type of guy I was use to dating..which to me was a big plus..he was nice..gentle. I gave him a kiss and WOW he had the softest lips in the world. He was not all nasty kissing he was gentle as he was the person he displayed to me all the time before this night. As I drove home..I had faith again in men and this dating thing I had a really good night with him and could not wait for more as he could not wait also.

For the next couple of months we seem to get closer and closer and I could feel myself falling for this guy deeper then I had ever planned and him also..it was like he could not get enough of me and I was right there with him. We only saw each other on the weekend when I did not work or sometimes after his midnight job. But we talked on the phone a whole lot and texted. And by me having my own buisness we could meet all the time during the day when he did not have to go in to work also, we were falling in love and I still remember the day he told me he loved me..I almost fell out my chair but for some odd reason I was excited about it because I loved him right back the same way too. We both explained how crazy our lives were he had children ( Babies Mama's) and a very demanding family that depending on him to be there for him and they always came first no matter what even before his own needs... (so he said)..this turned me on more a man that was turly dedicated to family and strength and love and protection..something I had not gotten from my own father. Even though we were getting closer and our feelings were getting stronger we moved very slow... he had a ugly divorce that he seemed to not be fully over..I felt he was still confused of his feelings for his ex-wife. Which now I know he should of been alone after his divorce and separation and got his head together. But even though I felt he was in love with her still I was still going though my own bullshit with my husband and our divorce. Something he never knew too much about and never asked (which was strange to me as well) I still contiune to see him and moved at his pace (BIG MISTAKE) and I never shared with him what was going on with me because as this story goes on you will see his situation changed for the worst and my problems seem so small at the time..I just dealt with them along with trying to be hero to him. After months of bliss with him..I introduced him to a site that was very dear to me that I did a lot of my blogging on, he was a writer like I and I felt he could really get his stuff out there for people that would really read and give him feed back on it was a much more mature crowd. He started off slow on the site and within time he got the hang of things and OH BOY did he...I started noticing a lot of women on his page..which was no big deal most guys have more women then anything but the thing that caught my eye was how the women was communcating with him like he was talking to them thru back doors and me being a woman and like most woman know that men have no clue of...we have our ways of letting people know oh yeah he is more then just a quick hello friend..you girls know what I am talking about...because I have done it too..saying in our heads " If he got a woman on here or don't they will know everyone on this page will know we are talking and he better not delete my comment or I will know he was lying about being single."

The comments started to become very disrespectful to me and I brought it up to him and instead of him saying Ok baby I will take care of it and your right and putting something out there to let them know I am not single...he got defensive and started saying how he could not control what people say on his page and if he put that he is in a relationship more women will hit him up on the fact that he is faithful...BULLSHIT..you can control you page..delete..ignore..BLOCK Motherfucker..Whew get back on track girl...anyway this is where the troubles began and we could not go anywhere from here but down... down.. down..with each part of this story to come you will soon see he really did not know who he was dealing with and what he let go and he still don't...

(Part 2: Baby I got fired for spending time with you on your Birthday)...to be cont. POSTING TOMORROW