TWIST YOUR TONGUE IN MY TASTE....Mmmm

OK FOLKS SOME LITTLE DICTIONARY/ALPHABET FUN...HERE IS WHAT I SEE WHEN I SEE THESE LETTERS....ENJOY... Alphabet Tongue Twister


Absorb Allure Absolutely Beautiful Brown Bodacious Butt, Craving Creamy Clit Delightful Display,Energize Ejaculation from Fantastic Fuck, Grip grind his heavy intake, ideal ignite juicy jumbo kinky kiss, kneel licking lusting lubricate lovely lover, master masturbation natural nasty, open orgy overactivted ORAL orgasm, Perfect Pulsating Pussy Penetrating Penis, Quantum quench, Raging ravishing radiant rapport, sexy sensual sensational seductive Sex, teasing tasty terrific tranquility thirst,ultimate unbearable unmistakable unison, viscous vivid vitalize vulnerable vulva, widespread waterfall which works well, xtra xchromosome yippee yin yang, zeal zoom.....(A-Z..look them up..LOL)....

NOW YOUR TURN GIVE IT TO ME YOUR WAY... A thru Z

I AM THE THINKER..CHECK OUT MY THOUGHTS

BLOG POST ONE OF THE 30 DAY BLOG-A-THON

I AM THE THINKER THAT CREATES THE THOUGHTS THAT CREATE THE THINGS...
There are no circumstances around you more powerful than the power within you. You are responsible for your life through your consciousness. Racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism have no power over you unless you believe they do. A belief is the most contagious influence you possess. If you believe in circumstances, they can and will defeat you. If you believe in yourself, you are assured victory. There is a wonderful inner world at work within each of us. It knows no color, gender or age. We fuel this inner world with initiative, ingenuity and a picture in our minds. The world responds and produces according to how we fuel it. If we picture poverty, oppression, failure, disease and doubt, we cannot expect to enjoy wealth, success and health. When we put the forces of our inner self to work with good thoughts, it will produce according to our system of ideas. If we can keep our inner world clean, fertilize our minds with productive positivity, the powers within will create, with dynamic force, all that we believe is possible.... " Today I fuel my inner world with positive possibilities"

Peace and Love Everyone... Diva

AS I SIT HERE...JUST MEIDATE ON THIS FOR A SECOND

AS I SIT HERE....

If you can find someone you can really talk to, it can help you grow in so many ways.....
WE ALL NEED THE TIME, SPACE AND OPPORTUNITY TO VENT OUR ANGER, FRUSTRATION OR UNHAPPINESS WITH THE WORLD. UNFORTUNATELY, THOSE CLOSEST TO US BEAR THE BRUNT OF OUR EMOTIONS WHEN WE DO NOT RELEASE THEM. IF LOVED ONES TAKE THEIR FRUSTRATION OUT ON US, WE MUST TRY TO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY; AND NEVER, NEVER TELL THEM THEY DON'T REALLY FEEL THAT WAY. WE MUST LEARN TO HONOR OTHERS FEELINGS AND SUPPORT THEM IN EXPRESSING HOW THEY FEEL. IF THEY SAY THINGS TO US THAT ARE PAINFUL OR ANGRY, WE MUST SEPARATE WHAT IS TRUTH AND WHAT IS UNREAL. PARENTS MUST FIND A WAY TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS WITHOUT TAKING IT OUT ON YOUR CHILDREN. IF WE ARE TRIED SAY SO, IF YOU ARE ANGRY..TAKE A WALK BEFORE YOU GO HOME. IF WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO SAY WHAT WE FEEL, WHEN WE FEEL IT, AND TRY LISTENING AND NOT RESPONDING, WE WOULD PROBABLY HAVE A LOT LESS TO FIGHT ABOUT. WHEN WE EXPRESS WHAT WE FEEL THE MOMENT WE FEEL IT, IT WON'T GET MIXED IN WITH EVERYTHING ELSE......( venting starts the healing process,being silent keeps it going and growing)
Try this..."Today I will talk about how I feel without fear of the actions
PROGRESS MEANS EASE, RELIEF,PEACE, LESS STRIFE, LESS STRUGGLE AND HAPPINESS.....
How many times have you heard someone say, "That's just the way I am", or "I can't change". How about, "This is me, take it or leave it!". Oh how we fight to hold onto what limits us. Don't we realize, if our way worked, it would be working. Can't we see that holding on to what "I am" keeps us from realizing who we are? It is natural to resist change. It is insane to fight against it. For some reason we believe if we have to change, there must be something wrong with the way we are. The issue is not right or wrong. The issue is working or not working. Everything must change...you must grow...The best can always be better. The fast becomes fastest, the great becomes the greatest. When we make minor adjustments as we see they are needed, we save time and the expense of a major overhaul....

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got...think about...DIVA

SOUL MATE
There is no greater need spiritually, then the desire

for love and someone so close to you that nothing else matters

but the passion and love for this one special, dynamic soul, this being

your soul mate

When you find your soul mate, you have found yourself

Trust your feelings, life is too short, Don't end up saying I didn't

take enough risks in my career or in love, This is not something I want for myself,

and I know you don't want the same...Don't wait until it is too late to go back

If you perceive it... You CAN achieve it.......

Love... I am waiting, I am here take me.....

Peace and Love my people...Diva ( I am and will always be SEARCHING for my Soul in a MATE)

DO YOU???.. (Tell Me)

DO YOU? ( I DO...)
Do you love me? I love you
R U in love with what you see or
what you feel?
Do I make you happy, because you make me happy,
this feeling I feel for you it comes so naturally
The connection is so strong how can this be
Do you feel the same way about me...like I feel about you
I love you, I want you, I desire you..I need and DAMNIT crave you
Do you, Do you...Tell me, Tell me
Do you wake in the morning thinking of me?
Do you spend the day seeing my face, hearing my voice smelling my scent?
Do you go to sleep and dream of me laying next to you close under your arms?
Never to let me go... keeping me safe, keeping me loved....
I know I do all of these things... and its all about you
Do you love me? I love you
Do you want me? I want you
R U in love, truly in love with what you see or what you feel?
Do You? Do You? Tell me... I know why you arent saying anything...
IF YOU DID MOTHERFUCKER THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL WEARING THAT BITCH RING...think about it
Lock my door on your way out..... (tear..no more )

PHONE SEX...NO ONE EVEN HAVE TO KNOW
PHONE SEX

RING***RING***RING****



Operator Moist Kitten: How may I serve you?
Customer 69: I want to eat your pussy
Operator Moist Kitten: Mmmmmm then lets get busy
Customer 69: Lay down and spread them legs for me
Operator Moist Kitten: How wide do you want them Daddy?
Customer 69: Wide enough for me to crawl up and inbetween them sweet lips..start talking..my dick is getting hard
Operator Moist Kitten: Mmmm Daddy..Kitten LOVES a hard dick..makes her Purrrrrrr
Customer 69: Do it Baby..your voice is so DAMN sexy
Operator Moist Kitten: You stand over me stroking that nice hard dick..as you watch your kitten spread open her thick smooth thighs exposing those moist wet lips..Kitten takes her hand and slides it down her thigh until she reach that swollen clit and rubs the tip as you stroke your stick. "Come here Baby..Kitty is ready for you to crawl in between these thighs and taste these sweet lips" I open my thighs wider as you slide in between and right as your lips are close to my clit it starts twitching as it wants to let out a scream...
Customer 69: Ooooo Yeah Baby..make it scream for Daddy
Operator Moist Kitten: Place your lips upon my clit and just as your tongue hits the tip...my back arch up as you grab my hips...Mmmm Kitty's pussy is so moist right now..you start sucking and licking..as I start to moan...louder and louder as the rhytum of your tongue slide down and deeper into me...
Customer 69: You like that Baby..you like the way Daddy makes that pussy wet?
Operator Moist Kitten: Oh Yeah Daddy..making Kitty feel real good..I grab your head and push you deeper into me as you tell me how this pussy taste so damn good..your moans are just as loud as mine as this Kitty is upon your tongue and deeply rides...
Customer 69: Oh Yeah Baby..keep going..ride Daddy's tongue..grind that pussy in my face
Operator Moist Kitten: Oooooo Baby..your so deep now..you quickly move your tongue out of me and start sucking my clit and put your finger in that wet pussy you push it deep inside me and start to shake it all around..my body is shaking and quaking at every love sound...Mmmm Daddy you want Kitty to CUM..your on my spot Baby...Don't stop here it comes...Your moans get louder as you are so excited as to what you will soon taste as you suck deeper on that clit and faster your finger shakes...
Customer 69: Give it to me Baby..CUM all over my face..I want to taste those sweet juices like I am licking my plate...
Operator Moist Kitten: Oooooo Baby cup my ass in your hands bring that pussy closer to your face...I'm Cummmmmmming Daddy..drink this juice like a Champ...my body is shaking and twisting about..but you grab my hips so you won't miss a drop..you moan and moan louder as I explodes all over your face catching every single juice drip and not losing your place...then...
Customer69: Ooooo DAMN BABY!!!...DAMN YOU SWEET ASS KITTEN..SHIT BABY..I AM CUMMING...I AM CUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMING!!!...FUCK!!!
Operator Moist Kitten: Cum for Kitten Daddy..thats right Baby..bust that nut..Cum Daddy..Mmmmmmmmmmm
Customer69: (huffing and puffing..out of breath)" Baby that was so good..shit your the best..I can't believe you made me cum so Damn hard..shit"
Operator Moist Kitten: Did you really enjoy that Daddy?
Customer69: Yes I did..very much so...Whew..Thank YOU
Operator Moist Kitten: Well thats the end of our session Sweetie..that will be $9.94..I take Credit or Debit...Please

YOUR SECRET..IS MY SECRET

Awake you have slept too long..Pt.7 and Final Part

I sit here and just shake my head thinking about all the stuff I put myself thru with this half man half child because a fully grown man would of never went thru all of this for a couple of dollars, things here and there because that was what our so called relationship was based on for him..throwing me kibbles and bits while I was serving him full grown meals. I started to think as the days and weeks past dealing with him calling me with the quick What you doings and shit..I am starting to Hate this man and I need to end this..so I went online and started searching for this L woman and I found she had a couple of pages...I looked at her at first and from me the other women he had on his page and the ones I caught him talking to and even the one he drove five miles to eat her pussy this woman was nothing like anything that would be his type of woman..More like a friend. So I was unsure if I should approach her or not..so I waited on it but something just kept me right there at her page...After a couple of days I was coming home from work and did not feel like going home..I wanted to see him, talk to him something..and why should I not be able to..shit so I got in my car and started driving towards the East side where He and his mother lived...I don't even know how fast I got there but it was quick..when I approach the street I started to call him to come out but something told me to just keep driving...As I got closer to the house I saw his car in front of the house..I just drove past slowly down the street and parked and sat there wondering if I should let him know I am out here..so I sat there..he called me like clock work to see if I made it home..I told him I am on my way when all along I was down the street...after we hung up within a couples of minutes he comes out the house and gets in his car...as he turns the corner I start to follow him...and the house he ended up at was the same house I went to get him at the night he spent the night to go out of town to see that woman when I rented the car for him to drive five hours to sit in a hotel room going half on a pizza...eating her pussy for two days. So I was like he going over his cousin..I almost left but something told me to call him so I did and I ask him where he was I made up some stupid excuse about my tire needing air or something..he was like I am at home..BINGO..I sat there out side that house down the street and he did not leave it all night and his car was way up in the driveway..POSTED for the night...at that point I went home and sent that woman a friend's invite to my page. It took a couple of days for her to even reply back..I almost just gave up and was like girl you tripping this woman probably do not even know him...I started regretting sending it..because all of this shit was way out of my character and I cannot believe I let this man get in my head and heart like this..I talked about women that would do this stupid mess for their man..I mean I did not even go this far with my husband..what the hell was I doing because he was SO not even worth my time...Business as usually for him and for some reason he seemed like he was all happy all the time when we talked but he did feel the distance and depression in me..I guess he started feeling guilty because he started calling and texting me more sending me I love you and I miss you...My face was burning..I was cramping every time he hung up because I knew he was laying next to another woman and was playing me for a fool, I just wanted it to end..he started looking and feeling like the Devil to me...no one with a heart could do those things to anyone and keep smiling and acting like everything was ok..I guess he was being all ass hole happy because he thought he was getting over on people..I guess he thought he was the fucking man..I guess he thought his shit did not stink..I guess he thought that (let me stop..because I can be mean)..But the reality was he was not any of that...A couple of days past and I checked my email and it said I had a message a message from L!!!..I was like WTF..I be DAMN..my heart started to race and I really did not know why..I just stared at the message I could not move, did I want to move.. Girl this was what you were waiting for..Open that SHIT..I was at work so I really did not want to do that there but I could not wait what if I did not reply back and she would never contact me again and I would never know... So I opened it..and it said Do I know you or do you know me?...Thats a friendly way to approach someone that sends you a friend's request...LOL Anyway I send a message back saying No we don't know each other but I think we know the same person...and then I gave his full Birth name..LOL...she did not reply right away..it took the next day for her to..but this time she open her page for me..she replied saying Yes I do know him and how do you know him..BINGO...I went on her page and looked around and looked at her photos..this woman was nothing like I thought she would of been..I mean she had picture of her smoking, drinking and partying..I was like this is not him..How can he be with someone like this..he did not smoke..not much of a drinker and he did not go to clubs..she was nothing like me..he was laid back(I thought)...like me..we enjoyed going to the movies..dinner..pool..concerts..things like that and I did not drink or smoke.We both were writers and loved the Internet..LOL She looked like a older woman until I saw her age on the page (in her late 20's)..and I was like that cannot be true she must of lived a hard ass life she was WAY younger then me and looked older...that is what all that smoking and shit will do..but still I could not see him being with someone like this accept to be a friend..she looked more like a sister then lover ...Anyway I saw one picture that caught my eye in her house there was this picture the same exact Art Work that was in one of his main profile pics he mostly used on sites..the same Damn picture..some of the rooms like that green kitchen he took a picture in that kitchen and she had one where she was standing in it..and the house was a mess.. I was WTF...how could you be with a nasty ass person...I mean clean your damn house before you take the picture..LOL I replied back to her saying He is my boyfriend..she replied saying how is he your boyfriend and how long Yall been together? I was like for two years...and then I said from the sound and tone of your replies your more then a friend and I think we need to talk off this computer and on the phone..I gave her my number and told her to call me..she replied back I sure will give me a minute..So at that point I took my break because I was at work and this was going to be a situation I could feel it..I went to my car and waited for her to call me..Within five minutes I swear she called...Hello..Hi...now it begins she started with saying Me and Him have been together for five years..I was like WHAT!!!..she said yes we have been living together and he has been home with me every night in my house..I was like he told me he lived with his mother...she was like he do not live with his mother he lives with me in my house and I (Hold on YALL) I am three months pregnant..I at that point blacked the fuck out..I was like you are LYING!!!!...she was like NO I am not..I am three months pregnant with his Baby...I sat there in a surreal it was like I had a out of body experience at that point no lie..I was floating the fuck out of that car...I got so dizzy I could not get my window down...I stop breathing for a minute...She was like I don't feel so good..tell me about you and him..I told her me and him have been seeing each other for the last two years and since you and him live together you have to know about all the other women and how could he lived with you all of this time because he would spend nights with me and spend most weekend's all day with me and we would be on the phone all damn day, going places...I mean WTF did you not care, were you doing your own thing..did you trust this Nigga that much..I mean come on I did not live with his ass and I felt he was full of shit...I could not beleive what the Hell I was hearing..This Ass HOLE..Motherfucker have been living a double life for two years and it was probably longer then that before me...She told me about how she bought that car he drives..how she been paying his bill and just flat out taking care of this Nigga and I guess my shit was the side Misc bullshit she could not cover...He was truly living it up with no job and much pussy with two women one on each side of town IN LOVE with a BUM...and too much time on his hand and he was still a cocky ass HOE even when he knew he was wrong..no remorse..just like Yeah I did it and I am sorry now get over it kind of shit..because I am...like he was the Damn victim..BITCH!! I told her he was suppose to see me this weekend and she was like what day..I said Sat. now she wanted to wait to bust on on that day at my house..but I wanted it over with NOW..she was down for that I told her I was leaving work because I could not stay focus after some shit like this..I mean two years of my life just turned out to be a Damn joke in a matter of minutes...She said I am leaving work too because I can't focus after this..she told me to come over to her house and we can meet him when he got out of school right there in the Damn house..She gave me the address and I was on my way. I could not beleive I was going over to this man true house and true life...I could not beleive I let myself get caught up in this BULLSHIT..A woman my age letting some BUM take full advantage of me and loving him...As I got closer to the street it was the same street I waited outside the house that night and the same house I picked him up from..I parked down the street and called her to let her know I was out there..She was standing on the front step waiting...As I approached the house I gave her a HUG because we both were breaking down inside and it showed on our faces...she stared at me for the longest..and told me to come in and the moment I hit the door there was two puppies jumping everywhere..the house was a mess..and it smelled and another Dog barking in the basement (His because I remember when he got it)..it was a small place and it looked like someone stayed on her front couch..she asked me to excuse the place her sister lived with them and she kept the front room a mess and she did not plan for company..But I am looking like I don't even want to sit down..LOL But I did because I did not care about nothing but getting to the bottom of this..She could not stop moving..changing her clothes..cleaning up..moving shit..I finally told her to sit down..I started showing her pictures of him and different texts I kept in my phone that were special to me that he had sent to me..to show her I am not lying about the type of thing we had..She asked me how did we meet and I told her and I ask her if you were with him for five years that mean he was still married and she said yes but they were separated and he just had a baby with his wife also when they separated..MAN this Motherfucker did not waste no time filling voids for real..she also told me her and him had been having some problems and she had to put him out twice..Wow and I am guessing this is where I came in to fill that void until them two worked their shit out..Which say a lot about him..he is a PUNK that have to have someone to feel like he is someone..SAD...I told her you had to suspect something about him while your living with him because he would spend the night with me..she said she had stopping looking thru his stuff a while ago but she did see on his bank statements charges to rooms and when he went out of town how he lied about going to NJ and going to Ohio..(the five hour trip)..and she use to have a problem with him texting all the time she even saw a text from me saying Good Morning Baby..and I said what did you do..she said he told her they are just friends and you don't trust me Baby kinda of shit..Man I thought I was hooked..my shit was not deep like her he had this woman WHIPPED for real...she believe everything that came out of this man mouth and she knew he was full of shit and she just sat there. She even told me about how some times he would not answer his phone for 8 hours straight..OH Hell naw I would check him if it took a hour to call me back..I told her he was with me..because he would come over and spend all day until the night with me. She showed me the room they shared and I saw all of the clothes I bought him and everything..she ask me if I was the one that got the radio for his car..YEP..she also said she use to ask him how was his phone bill being paid..this nigga was always excusing with my Sister or Mama..if they only knew how much he used their ass to play his game too. I told her about the Key Chain and she told my how he came home talking about it broke off.. I said Girl I told him to take it off and he must of broke it..and she was more pissed at that then what was really at hand..she started talking about how much she paid for it..She asked me if he went down on me..Umm yes he did and very well and for a long time too..Everything he did to you..Yes Honey was done to me...the only thing is I did not get knocked up ( I started feeling sorry for her..she was a very nice.. sweet woman and no one deserved this no one even HER)...and we did not catch no disease and if I were you I would get test..I AM because like I said I only know of one other woman he was with sexually beside me and you but there could of been more and if you really think back you would agree..She told me about how he ask her to get married..What a fucking joke..no job..a fucking lier and you ready to commit living a double life..I said Girl you need to really think about if this is the type of man you want in your life..because anybody that can do what he did for as long as he did it and smooth as he did it is not changing over night just because he got caught..he has to change for himself and that takes time..because he still aint finished with his WIFE..he still caught up in emotions for her and still blames her for his recent fuck ups..and he ready to get married again that is his main reason for fucking up is my divorce..my divorce..I was depressed over my Divorce..GROW THE FUCK UP MAN..What a fucking Joke.. his change has to come within not for the moment because he scared his meal ticket is about to be taken away...You know he was still sleeping with his wife while he was with you also..and was thinking about working it out with her..he went thru that shit with me...I know your having his Baby now..but he would see my ass in a court room with the other Baby's Mama..She was like I don't want him but I do want to watch him as he take his stuff out my house...I looked at her because she was forgiving him already..Sad and Weak...because if it was me his shit would be on the street already burning in my grass when he drove up with a big ass padlock on the door and the police waiting unless he try to be a BITCH about it..She just do not know how bad I wanted to gather up all the shit I got him right then and there and do it..but out of respect for her house and her I chilled. She told me about how they met and how he was not really her type either at first and she accepted him for all the wrong and things he lacked..she loved him thru it and she talked about how she just met his Mother herself..I be DAMN you been with him for 5 fucking years and you just not meeting her now...I guess you with child now..your in..LOL What a fucking joke...he got three kids by three different women already...what makes you think your in..THAT child is in NOT you Boo Boo. She ask me if I had met any of his kids and I was like NO and he never met mine either..I was not welcoming him into my world like that until he opened up more of his to me..I do beleive a man make the first move with that not a woman and before he moved in my DAMN house me and his mother would of met not after the fact like you.We both thought about what will happen when he drove up..He kept texting her because for some reason this stupid ass woman let on to him that something was up but confronting him already before I got there so he already knew something was about to go down..just did not know what...He kept texting her from class and shit...and did not even try to contact me...He KNEW. So we finally decide to go up to the school and wait for his ass in the parking lot of the school because he may not even come to the house...I followed her up there and we parked and waited..as the time came for him to get out he calls her and she gets her ass out the car and go walking to the school towards him..Whatever he said to her...she comes back with this I am about to leave and you should too..FUCK THAT Both of Yall got me fucked up..This NIGGA owe me something..he going to say something to me...this was not about just you and him ain't this a BITCH...I was getting more heated and was ready to run her ass and his car over..I was like get away from my car...then he texted me with I love her even if I do not end up with her..some punk ass shit like that because he knew she was standing her ass right there watching..then he calls me saying he is not coming out of the school until I leave and he has Security coming to escort his PUNK Ass to the CAR....But he also said in the same breath he was not scared of me..ROFLMAO..then come out NIGGA..The worst thing in the world is a Half of a Man that cannot stand on his own two feet and have to hide behind a woman..She going to look at me and say Thank you and him and her need to talk about somethings...I looked at her like you stupid BITCH your the reason this monster is out her doing this shit to innocent women now..GET SOME NUTS HOE..he fucked you with no vaseline as well. Tears started pouring down my eyes...not because I was sad but because I was MAD and if he did come out that school at that point I would be in jail right now..so God saved his life...I was good until that shit happen at that school...he treated me like a sideline HOE and like I knew he was living a double life all a long and it was all about HER at this moment. I pulled off like a mad woman...and I had to pull over because I could not see with all the tears in my eyes..as I sat there crying and screaming..he calls me...I started screaming I do not know all of what I said to him but I do remember him saying this is the reason he was trying to break up with me and wanted to be by himself..BULLSHIT man you did this shit for two years and to no telling how many women..he was like I really got to do something but me and you will talk and I will explain anything you want to know..I told him I want my Damn Laptop back NOW...I don't even remember hanging up with him....I was so out of it all night..he calls me late and was like I am not avoiding you but I had to take her to the hospital...I did not care..I hated him so much I wanted him to lose the Baby..I know that was mean but HELL..how did everything turn around to all about her..Where the Fuck was all about her for the last two years of you doing this shit to HER..HUH..I told him you need to make some time for me and I want all of my shit back..He was like Please give me a couple of day and I will give you whatever you want..I said a couple of days..because Hell acting a fool was not getting my shit to me quicker..so I tried to chill for the next couple of days..I did not sleep or eat for the next couple of days..I went to work and did not work..I was like a Zombie walking around..everybody asking me whats wrong.I was making my self sick and did not care...I had an anxiety attack and my cousin rushed me to the hositpal where my doctor put me on meds..I was out of it and was doing it alone...She texted me the next day after her hospital visit asking me how I was doing..How funny..I told her not good..she asked me if I missed him..SHIT what do you think..don't start asking me stupid ass questions (Like my feelings can turn off and on like his do)..so I asked her if he was with her and she said Yeah he here..I said you two are going to work it out and she said we are going to try..I started throwing up at that point..WTF..not even a day she did not kick his ass out even for a day..I felt like I wasted my Damn time even approaching her..I should of just did my thing on my own and left her ass still in the dark where she is still standing..WTF...I told her I just want my stuff back and at that point she tried to get cocky with me saying you and him will not be talking or seeing each other unless I am around..I was like BITCH you did not even know he was fucking me for two years..don't try to act like you his woman now...Just because you know he over there kissing your ass to stay in your good grace...Don't fucking go there with me..I will make you and his life one hell hole for real...Give me my shit...Don't nobody want that limp dick motherfucker that can't spill truth if it was poured on him. Now you want to be big and bad...then I guess she made him contact me about the laptop and like a little puppy should he obey his Master and called me...LOL He was like I want to pay you for the laptop..HELL NAW give me my shit..take HER money and go get you one..which you should of done in the first place. Telling me he never expected to fall for me the way he did and that him and her were having problems and before he knew it he got caught up with his own lies and started to beleive his own shit..he said he got selfish and greedy trying to make one woman from two bodies..Whatever she lacked I picked up on and vice verse kind of shit..SICK...and then he went back to that Damn Divorce again..I many how PUNKASSNESS can you get to keep bring that relationship up when you fuck up.He should of walked away from both of us...picking up from something like this is hard for everyone invovled and everyone know by now and he really should more then anyone (with this being his FOURTH baby Mama)kids do not make a relationship...that is no reason to stay with anyone..but all I wanted was my laptop..He kept spinning me for weeks on that shit..we went back and forth..he did not want to let it go...I mean anyone else would of just gave it to me..he never even should of had that damn thing t begin with..then he going to get smart and say it was not your laptop all this time why now..Well Motherfucker..I thought you were my MAN all this time and guess what you were NOT so the laptop was never yours either...How about that.,...I dont want all that other shit..because I could be a real Bitch and get those damn bikes back I got your kids ( I had talk to a Lawyer at this point)..But all I wanted was my laptop because I still intended him to pay me back for that anyway. It took that Nigga a whole month to spin his wheel and finally meet me to give me that Damn laptop and he going to get out my car with I will keep in touch..Yeah fucking right..I never heard from him again until a couple of months later he reappeared on the internet again..Yes you got it...I guess he is a changed man now..NOT..LMAO..Now he is on there acting like he is the man telling people about how he was a cheater like the shit happen years ago and you have changed your evil ways in months time...giving advice and just being a Hoe Ass nigga all over again..See people like HIM will never be remorseful and they will never change their ways..Out of respect for me and his WOMAN he should never be on another damn computer again...I mean if you do come back at least wait until all parties have healed before you show your Head again..I mean DAMN how BITCHASSNESS can you get...But that phase of my life is done..He can't give me the two years I lost HELL he won't even give me a hour to explain and really give me the honesty he gave to her..that will forever be lost and my forgiveness for him will also..because just like he choose how we began this nightmare he also choose how we will end it..HIS way.I am in a healing process now and I am learning and dealing with my mistakes...there are others in my path now that will soon be removed from my aching heart because as with this situation it has taught me to really look and see things for what it is and who really cares about me..not with words but actions and deal with it right then and there and never wait on your feelings about something..I think my main down fall was time..I let too much time go by when I could of ended this nightmare a long time ago...Right from the first sign..I was alsleep...A Deep Ass Coma...I think this situation has affected me more then anything in my life because it was another failure..another abuse to add to my belt...I was fooled..I thought I was loved finally in my sad ass life I grew up in to find I really was not..in the end my truth was and is..I was Born alone and I will surly DIE alone...and this Harsh truth he taught me with the abuse he gave to me (Yes this whole experience is a form of abuse)..Though all the rapings..beatings..this emotional play on your mind type of shit left my soul on life support for a minute and I do not think I will ever learn to breath on my own again after this..it has made me more harsh..numb a lot of changes for me on how I meet people and where and how long I will talk to them before I feel they are getting to close to me and then i will back away..I can't fall like this again..I just can't and I won't..I don't want anyone close to me right now but God.. my Mama and my kids..I have no one else but people that can give a ear from time to time..I have to learn and accept this is what my life will be about and just deal..I know it is not right and it may even be sad but its my reality and I do want to Thank him Yes HIM for Awaking me to this Truth that No one will ever truly love you the way you need to be love Tracey but YOU.He showed me abuse comes in many forms and he just showed and gave me one more to my life story. With Beauty there comes a price..WHY I really don't know..maybe I should drink like a sloppy ass drunk..maybe I should smoke until my lungs turn black..maybe I should get high as hell until I look 80 at 40..Be a BITCH instead of Sweet..maybe I could get some respect and be able to have a little puppy dog man myself HUH..maybe..BUT guess what I won't because I am not that and that will never be me so until then I will be right by my Damn self where I should always be..I wrote this story to share my experiences to help others that maybe going thru or may run into something like this..I hope this has enlighten some for those that it has not..Oh Well can't please Everyone but this really was for and about ME, for those that have followed the story..Thank you even if you do not agree this was not a judgement story it is a healing process there will be more to come in my journeys this was just one of them..but my life I am fighting for right now and I am trying to hold on..BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY..Every lesson must be learned...Tear no More...

Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. Six)

He started acting weird again and I was trying to ignore it but really could not, I was scared and pissed at the same time knowing it was some shit he was not telling me. After that mess came out about him having that outside relationship with the woman over the net he started to change some but it was kind of different this time it was almost like he wanted to tell me something but could not..he would always start and then stop with I will try. I tried to help him bring it out with asking all kinds of crazy questions leaving the door open so he could just walk on in and every time he would just back away from it. But me being the Ass I knew I could be I was not finishing his shit for him..I wanted him to flat out MAN the fuck up and just say it whatever it was. So I continue to push the relationship as business as usually until he got TRIED of playing the games because really deep down I knew it was over a long time ago but he was not getting off that easy..FUCK IT. So anyway we met for lunch one day he had started doing some sales on the side which I was helping him with getting orders for him and this would be my excuse to see him on a regular because we had this business thing going...(Damn shame..SMDH)..and after we ate he walked me back to my car and we sat there for a while just talking and of course as always I make the first move like I did most of the relationship and I ask him what is it that you want..do you really want to do this thing because I feel a distance with you and something is not right. He goes into saying that this not having a job thing has got him in some type of depression and he feels like he wants to do things BAD things but don't want to and he just feels he need to be by himself but then on the flip side he said he really do not want to be alone.. (OK can we say CONFUSION) he started talking about how he wants to just leave and go out of state but cant because the kids and his family got this hold on him and then he says (get this one ladies) he really feels he needs to stop having SEX..now you know my head whip around and said to him WTH are you talking about you must really want to break up you can't decide nothing like that when two people are involved without including the other party. Now we all know when a man brings something like that up there is a couple of things going on.. he gay..he married.. or he wants to break up and can't do it and wants you to do it for him. I mean we have been having sex for damn near two years and all the shit you did while in the relationship all pertain to sex in some way and now you want to stop BULLSHIT just say what it is you want to say and stop fucking around with I need time BULLSHIT...so me of course being the Ass since he was not going to flat out break up with me I made him suffer by acting like what he said did not phase me and continued on but on my end..check this out. I started seeing other people..FUCK IT this motherfucker really did not know what he had..not bragging but guys hit on me all the time and they all had jobs and with nice head game also SHIT and waited for the chance to get with me even though they knew I was fucking around with this fool. As some of you all that know me and can see from my pictures I am not a ugly chick by far and I can dress and walk my ass off in some heels with an intelligent mind to seal the deal..and smell as sweet as honey (guys go crazy over my hair..eyes, lips, thighs, ass and hips..LOL I 'm tripping) I started seeing this one guy and he was nice and all and we even had sex it was good BUT get this I thought about HIM the whole time I was with him..ain't that some shit so I decided I was not going to go there and bring some innocent person in some shit that needs to be totally finished. So I continued to play this merry go round with this fool (see the tune of the story is changing) and every weekend it had started becoming more excuses why he could not come by and spend time with me..he would make plans at the beginning of the week on when and what day he would be over and then like either the day before or that morning some tragic shit in his life would happen and he could not make it and he would pacifier me with calling and checking on me all day..like I was stupid or some shit. I was on the other end doing my own shit he only THOUGHT I was spending it alone waiting around on him... (Scorpios are always one step ahead on game) I met this cable man from when I was getting some new stuff installed and he was all on my shit so bad I let him get my number just in case you never know..LOL but anyway this man did not want to do anything but eat my pussy..he was a Jamaican and he would come over lick and suck the shit out of my clit and leave..(NO LIE) I was like cool some side head game because on the flip side he had started slacking off on doing that shit and where he once would be down there on my ass for an hour or so he went to like 20 minutes or nothing at all on the oral (which was my shit first and foremost)..but I still suck the shit out of his dick until he exploded in my mouth and screaming my damn name.. I love that shit..oral game was what I played VERY well I can suck the skin off the head of a dick and still want more after I taste those juices I really would go into a zone on a dick doing that shit..he was weak for that shit..(most men were). Anyway my Birthday was approaching now remember the year before we did the weekend thing (Mmmm) I really wanted to see what he was going to do this year and with all the shit that was going on I wanted to see if he was going to come thru and make good with it. So all week he talked about how he was going to spend the whole day with me and he was going to spend the night and everything..so the day came I was kinda of excited and all..I made sure my hair, nails, feet and body was on point and tight. He came over we had a romantic dinner and we made love and he made love to me just like he use to when we first met..I crave that gentle shit he had going on with me when he put his lips down there and sucked and licked me into 3 to 4 orgasms..(DAMN Flashbacks)..if he did not do anything else he was right on point with that shit right there. I love to nibble and lick all around and in his ear..drove him crazy..I would ease down licking his body all the way to the tip as his dick was standing up awaiting my moist mouth so he may enter it..I would suck him..sliding up and down as he grab my ass and called my name I would moan as I had his dick in my wet mouth and it would make his screams loud..that shit made my pussy drip..he would enter my wet hole with his fingers and pump them in and out and shake the juices out with his fat fingers (MMMM that shit felt good as hell) that shit made my body jump.. He would kiss my neck..my back..my ass..I loved it and then he would ride the shit out my ass until he exploded..we would do it so hard that day we both were sweating and shit after. As we would lay there I told him how much I loved him and he would tell me that he really did love me too he also told me he was in love with me..so when he went into shit like that it made my heart melt..my yearning for a gentle loving man made me accept bullshit from those that really was not worthy of my love. But then we had to get up and out of the bed and live with the real fucking truth about our relationship..that it was a pure fucking JOKE. He did not have any money (he claimed) to buy me a gift once more BUT all I really wanted was us back..back to where we were before all this extra bullshit in between the years. I wanted his time and he was giving it to me until after laying and fucking and sucking and just chilling he told me he could not stay all night because his mother was watching his kids and he only gets them on the weekends and she did not want to keep them all night like that and he promised them he would spend time with them too..I was so use to this shit he always had some major goody shit when he needed to stay away from me..you know my Bday and you had pently of time to make arrangements if nothing else for this day..its not like we spend a whole lot of time together anyway..so at that moment my reality with him started to set in and my eyes at that point starting seeing things that I was blind to all of this time with him. I let him go and I spent the rest of my Birthday night alone..and I really at that point did not want anyone around me anyway..I was so disappointed and hurt when he left...he kept calling me thru out the night but it was not comforting to me..he even changed his background on his page for most of the day with my picture on it for all to see and emailed me a poem he did for me thru ecards...still not comforting..I started reflecting on all the bullshit excuses he made to me thru the 2 years and noticed a straight up pattern..I remember at one point early in the relationship asking him if he was really divorced and he sent me a copy of the papers..because something was not right and I even remember having a dream he lived with a woman..all of this was starting to come at me strong for some reason and why was it coming now and not before..so I sat on it and waited and watched the events to come and I waited..I was reflecting (that's what happens when you spend a lot of time alone) he knew something was up with me because I started asking a lot of questions and started being kinda of distanced like not happy mood when I talked to him..I had a lot of shit on my mind and your name was a big part of it.. so I watched waited and did things to see what he would do...like I noticed my house got broken in to twice since he knew me and not once did he come over to see if I was ok or what he could do to help..he called but WTF was that if your woman tells you her house got broken in to..then holidays now I did not make a big deal on us spending them with each other because I really was not ready for him to meet my family or kids anyway shit was still unstable with us..and me being kinda of old school when a man dates a woman he does the introducing of his family first..he choose his mate when he does that and then she opens her whole world unto him. Then it was the moments when he would call me from the car or just leaving from somewhere..and the quick under your breath I love you too..I would say I love you to make him say it back where ever he was (Shit I was your woman right)..calling me from the basement or while walking the dog or always going to the store kinda of thing. How when I did come to his mother house I never was ask to come in he always met me out side and got in my car and how when ever I had an emergency I could never get him right away..So I did somethings like I started letting him keep my car and I gave him a copy of my house and car keys (Hold up everyone this was a part of a plan)..the first incident I was, every time I wanted to go out to the bar, play pool or even go to the movies he would be all good with it until the day came to do it and he would come up with some school homework bullshit or kids (the normal shit) he would slide me in for a couple of hours if I really demanded it (a couple of hours what a fucking joke). So one night he called me after I got off work like he always did and I told him I was going to go out with my cousin or some shit..so he was like good because I got all of my kids tonight..cool Plan in motion later that night I call his phone..no answer..I texted him no answer ( he was famous for not answering his phone right away Shit)...so I texted him I need your help..thinking that would put some fire under his ass...no reply back..soooooo I waited until the early morning and I drove over to his mother's house to see if his car was there..and you guessed it NO car and this was 8:00 in the damn morning on a Sat. for someone that do not have a job...okkkkkkkkk so at that point I started blowing his shit up in text and calls back to fucking back non stop like a mad woman...and then I took a break and called his mother's house she told me he was not there and she sounded like should he be...LOL..Anyway I started driving back home still blowing his phone up on the way back across town....he finally calls me back PISSED (the nerve of this guy to get mad) talking about why you call me that many times and why you call my mother's house..and I screamed at him why when I have a problem I can never get to you..I can never find you...you are never a fucking round...Hold on to this shit..he told me he did not sleep at his mother's house that night because him and the kids went to his sister's house because she went out of town..ROFLMAO...this motherfucker believes his own shit that is why he tells it...I was like I locked my keys in my car and you are the only one that has a copy..I was out in the middle of the night and I could not get to you...your suppose to be my man and you cant even come and get me out of a jam. At that point he started questioning me like I was suspect..soooooooooo nigga you been suspect for years now. Got all mad talking about I am going to bring your keys to you now..(Now he want to act like he done with me) I was like your getting mad because I had a problem and could not get to you...we started fighting and he never came and brought me my keys and he use that excuse as he had a attitude with me to not come see me that weekend too..LOL he was the biggest baby I knew he wanted things his way even when he was in the WRONG. Instead of saying I am sorry Baby..Blah Blah Blah he went into drilling me on some third degree trip..(guilty clue number one when you know your wrong flip that shit to make it look like she is the one wrong)..NOT I had more traps to set for your ass..this was clue number one to my TRUTH..I let that one go and waited and watched and then the next Sat. he came over and we spent most of the morning together now one thing that was true his family did blow his damn phone up he could not get a damn moment in to himself for real..especially his kids and I always wondered why since the main child that blew his phone up was the one living with him (Hmmm)..she blew it up like I have not seen you in days and where you at this is our time kind of thing. Then one time his mother called him and I listen to everything he use to call me a ear hustler...LOL now get this one he said to her I called you as soon as I got up..(BINGO) why are you calling her when your suppose to be living with her...he noticed my body lanague changed and he started being all lovey with me and ate my pussy to distract that mind..NOT..it felt good though..LOL So as time went on I started watching him more close and I started investigating some shit...GOOGLE is a motherfucker if you use it right...LOL He was in suspect mode with me now and I was on a mission and had to play the part to the very end now.. I went into some deep research on that ass and the line of business I am in..I have resources to grab info on people because that is part of what I do so I used the tools I had on his ass and in doing so I pulled his name and a whole address came up that was NOT his mother's so I did not trip at first..I figured it maybe a old one maybe when he was married but I kept a mental note of that shit..sure did..LOL Then I Google some of his ID names he used..because he was good for having secret online pages pretending to be somebody other then who he was..and I found a lot of shit..he was registered on a online dating site (Pently of Fish or something like that) and I ran across a site that did themes for your cell phone that he was on..I checked that one out and guess what I found..under his old screen name and it was dated like months ago whoever it was made a request for the owner of site to do a theme and Thanked them but after the comment ended SHE (I said SHE) wrote Thanks L (that's what we will call her)..I was tripping even though it was months ago still it was under his name and it was during the time we were still together...Kept that one for a mental note also... Things at this point started falling in my lap..another weekend came and we did our normal chilling watching the TV and we always ordered out when I did not feel like cooking I was hungry and wanted him to go get it..so when he left he took my car like he always did he left his keys to his car on my counter..I went to get something to drink and noticed he had a key chain on it..I picked it up to see what was on it and it was an engraved chain with one side his name and the other side Looking forward to more Love L...I was broiling at this point but had to stay clam because losing your cool always put a stopper into what your true focus was..so when he got back we sat down and started eating and I asked him who is L? Guess what came out of his mouth...What did she call?..WTF..and why and how would she been calling me..I was like What do you mean? he was like she was a old girlfriend he use to talk to why and I said why do you feel she would call me and he went into some bullshit about how one of his ex called and tried to start some bullshit with his wife...and he thought it was happening again..well no Nigga she did not call..LOL But on the flip side why you carrying around a key chain she gave you if she is your ex? He was like he was cleaning his room and found it and he needed one and did not think much about it and just put it on his keys...(Now how he thought I believe that bullshit) and then he said this is a easy fix I will take it off your right I should not be carrying around a old girlfriend key chain..(Whatever Nigga) then I went into who was she to you he was like she was just a very good friend of his at a time he needed her to be and they still talk but not on that level anymore...(Aint that the typical Excuse Bullshit)..But me being who I was I watched that body lanague and his ass was suspect at this point he was nervous like a motherfucker..and when I did not trip on it anymore he got calm like a stream of water. So I watched and waited and watched now at this time Christmas was coming around again and the same ole song and dance from last year arrived..he started acting depressed because he claims he could not get his kids anything for Christmas and he hated this time a year..now me being who I am I cannot stand to see a child go without a Christmas because as poor as my family was growing up my mother and father always made a way for us to have something under that tree..we may have paid for it later but they did it. So my kind heart set in motion and I ask him what can I do to help he was like if I could he needed help with getting his two youngest kids a bike and he could handle the rest...I bought both of them a bike and on the day we were picking the baby's bike up on our way to get something to eat we stop at a cell phone store so he could upgrade his oldest child cell program and get one for my child... but in leaving we stop at the gas station and as he was pumping the gas he got on the phone as he thought I could not hear him from inside the car..so of course I went into ear hustling mode..LOL and I heard him telling someone how he changed the cell program and how he was just leaving from getting the bike and then he was like OK Baby and then a pause and then he was like Ok you can pick me up in about a hour or so...I was like WTF I wanted to turn my key to the car and drive off and leave his ass standing right there STUPID..when he got in the car I lost it..FUCK IT I was like who was that you were talking too..he was like my daugther I was like Bullshit saying Ok baby you can pick me up he was like you tripping I was talking to her and then she put my sister on the phone and I told her she can come grab me from my mother's house because my car is down..Blah Blah Motherfucking Blah..then I went into saying I knew you live with someone I knew it..Who the fuck was that on the phone..he was like take me home and you can take the bike back too..I was at that point cool Fuck You Bitch trying to play somebody sideways. As we were driving i was like think quick because I don't want to bust his ass like this I need more info THINK quick..it was very quiet on the way back to his mother's house (that was always the pick up and drop off point). When we got in front of the house I went into I am so sorry and I just feel like I am going crazy because I feel like your slipping away from me and I cannot stop it..BLAH BLAH BLAH and then the tears came... he looked at me and told me to stop crying and I need to stop jumping the gun all the time..(HAAAAAAA I am a good actress when I want to be) we kissed and made up (So he thought) and I dropped him off over his sister's house where ever one seemed to be at and I went on my way home thinking this motherfucker boats is slowing sunking for real. As the weeks past everything was the same nothing pretty much change but the distance between us seem to take a toll on me..I started getting use to him not being around..but I still felt the need to find out the truth...my job had a after work affair at the very place me and him had our first date and I thought it would be cool if he came since he loved playing pool early in the week I told him about it and of course like always he said he wanted to go but the day approached and he had another tradegy..(Like clockwork) But after I left the place one of my co-workers ask me if I could take her home now she lived in the same direction of his mother's house and so after I dropped her after I felt the need to just drive past his house...But on my way back on the freeway I hit a huge pop hole and got a flat tire and now I was like shit I came up and tried to find a gas station no one was to be seen no where it was late and I did not know where the hell I was so I called him and of course he did not answer so I sent him a text saying I need you now seeing we went thru this before he calls me back right away and tells me he was over his sister's house..I told him I have a flat tire and I needed to know where I was he was more concerned about why I was where I was then helping me out..I got off the phone with him and called my mother and she called a tow for me..as I sat in the gas station waiting on the truck he calls me and trys to stay on the phone with me and kept asking me if I wanted him to come...I got so annoyed at him asking me that like he wanted me to just say don't come I am alright and at that point I did not want his company because you should of just came no questions asked. The truck to so long i took my chances on just driving home on a busted tire and rim..so what I am alone and I am not risking anything happening to my kids mother....he call himself keeping me company via phone all the way home until I got home and all while he did this I was thinking I need to end this bullshit for real..I need someone that can truly be there for me when I needed them ( not some half ass for the moment comfort) or I need to be alone for real no play play shit. He never had my back when the shit was going wrong for me not like I jumped in my Wonder Woman suit in a heartbeat for him. After that night I started just making shit happen like telling him I am coming over with no warning just calling shit out and not into his phone calls much anymore..I was getting tried of this shit and he seemed very content with the shit but you know what God do not like ugly for real and he tried to warn him Nigga your shit coming to a end also..I remember one night when he did not answer his phone for hours and he went to telling me this crazy lie about his Ipod burned his cell out..LMAO God broke his rod on the car and I heard that shit pop too it happen right after that lie left his mouth..he was fucked..I was cracking up..you can't play with fire and dont get burned. Oh Yeah his shit was coming to a end and maybe he knew or maybe he did not but it was coming and he never knew or expected when and how it was going down...But I did...Stay tuned to the Meeting that ended all of this shit finally and began my nightmare journey to healing. (The finally Part to this mess is next)

Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. Five)

(Disclaimer: I understand a lot of people I care about will and have been reading this..and I want to warn you now because some of you are really getting upset without the understanding of the story and why it is being told... the next parts will be even more harsh and if you will not be able to handle it..then I suggest you stop at this disclaimer. This is my story something I feel I need to tell and release..holding it in for me causes me more pain then I want to keep enduring, this is not about YOU its about ME..and if you cannot understand that then Don't READ... Thank you)

The events that are to follow for the rest of this story I believe is what still got me in stuck mode. The things this man had done to me was quite unheard of for a woman my age to go thru.. I mean this is some high school bullshit, not a situation a woman that is going into her 40's should be even approached with. Anyway I once again started to watch his page but not like before it was kinda of different..my feelings on it was turning and it became a mission for me. As time went on she did not come on that often but when she did it was like she knew something and she was trying to get something started because you go on her page and he has not commented it or even sent a reply back..he never commented on any of her blogs..NOTHING but would speak to every one else on his friendslist..he kinda of treated her like he was treating me on the net.. (BINGO first clue)..the only thing with me is I kinda of demanded his presence on my blogs because writing is everything to me and I wanted my MAN's input more then anyone else on that site. I did not care if no one else said a word to me..BUT my man you need to be front and center showing support for your woman if nothing else. As time went on I watched this woman but did not react..one day when she came on and called him Daddy..I replied back to it like why is this woman calling you Daddy.. that shit is disrespectful to e in my face especially since I noticed he had the nerve to not remove it..he kept ignoring me which sent me into a further rage. Of course I called him and we started fighting and he went into I told myself I would not fight with you about this Internet shit again..I was like FUCK YOU then if these women mean this much to you that you would risk me then FUCK YOU...I was so hurt he was treating me this why and in my face...BASTARD...he talked so much about how people did this to him and that to him hurting him and he was hurting people himself...No situation entitles you to bleed a unknowing and unwilling soul..NOTHING... anyway I calmed down and started missing him again DAMN..I apologized for blowing up but told him you need to understand this..he went into I don't think I am right for you... ( I should of took him up on that). I went into my Obama speech to get him to try again. So we went on this merry go round for a while me knowing he was not happy but me still wanting him so bad I did not let it click in...I still did not want to lose him (Now why..I still do not know). Things seemed OK especially around the time to pay that laptop bill or his cell..we went out to places and of course I footed the bills on all of it because if I waited on him we would never do anything. I did noticed that when it came to go out with his family he always came up with money for those events.. (so he said). I started questioning him about the fact he could not buy me even a Damn card..he was like I would if I could any little money I get is for the kids...and of course I am not a heartless person my kids come first also so I let that excuse ride. But the spending time which each other now THAT had to change it was a little over a year and I needed some different shit to start happening with us and for him to stop acting like we are in dating stages with benefits..everything I was doing on my end was leading up to longevity with him..a FUTURE..But as the tables would turn he was not even in the same book as I. He still talked about moving to Ohio when school let out for the semester..my on the other end hoping something would change with his situation so he did not have to make that move and he soon wanted the same thing so I started helping him with the job hunting process..updating his resume posting it on different work site..emailing him any jobs I felt met his qualifications even putting the word out on the streets for anyone hiring among my friends.. I was a really good woman to this man in ever since of the word. My favorite singer of all time was coming to town and I never..I say NEVER miss out on seeing her when she is here... I wanted to go so bad I purchased two tickets for us to go and he was excited about it also...the first concert date he could not go with me so we settled on the second one. I was so excited the days leading up to the concert this showed me real promise with us also...a chance to really be a real couple in public more then we had been..I wanted to be a part of his world and he mine so bad I could taste it. The day before the concert we talked about going to get him a new outfit because I had just got me one..always do when going to see my girl. Anyway we went shopping for his outfit and could not find the right shoes though but we got something together so he would be right on point for our girl. The night of the concert was a beautiful one I picked him up so we could get dress together at my house..I was so excited and refuse to let any issue we were having be a part of that night..this was our night and I was taking full advantage of the moment. I loved him so much..we had so much fun that night...whatever problem we had was washed away after that night..Jill Scott has a way of clearing people's head and making everything feel real good. The company..conversation and moment was NICE..I will never forget it Never...As the days that followed the concert things were going pretty good for us it was almost like we were getting closer he started expressing the fact of him wanting to really find a job here in town. But all of a sudden the comments started again on his page and this time I did not trip..I mean what was the point of it and I told him about it but was not all flipped out about it and he was like sending me back to back texts expressing how shocked he was that I was finally not letting that bullshit get to me...Yeah I told him sometimes you just got to see things for what it really was...(But I knew better then that)..especially after I received a weird ass IM from a unknown person telling me that your man is unworthy and get this they used my real name also..I was like WTF..so I decided to do some investigating on my part..I first informed him of this and he replied back with it must be someone that knows you..No one on the net knows my real name but close people like you and my sisters. So I created this fake page just for that purpose of pulling some shit out of people because I felt someone was trying to tell me something. So I created this page and I sent a message to who first Miss P herself with her Spank me Daddy comments..I pointed out things like he is a gentlemen pimp and he is not single and do you notice how he do not comment or flirt with you openly on your page..that type of stuff to rough her feathers...and guess what I did..it just so happen this woman loves to blast people and things on her page because I had been watching her page for months and notice how she has this I do not give a Fuck attitude..I knew if something was happening she would spill with no problem..so I picked at it like a sore on your feet..LOL I went for her because I would ask about her a lot due to her comments and his thing was she is BI and I do not do BI women...(Can we say BULLSHIT)..anyway she posted a blog just like I knew she would about how someone name Ms. J was sending her message about someone she was talking to and in this blog she kinda of pointed out somethings like if he was your boyfriend he wasn't last night..(Damn thats a song) and she also pointed out like in references to him I know and always knew you are full of shit and its about to hit the fan now..I was cracking up after I read her shit..she had a way with words..kind of like me...She also pointed out if the messages continued she would start calling people out..LMAO..I was like now we talking so me being that true Scorpio Ass I kept sending them...I need some shit to spill and she was going to do the pouring for me. In a sick way this was kind of exciting to me..the whole Private Eye thing I had going on..I love getting results to hidden BULLSHIT I do. But down on the home front away from the page we were still doing our same once a week seeing and having sex kind of BS..anyway back to the page this last message I sent her I called out names using my name to throw her off further fro it being me sending them..I was talking cash money shit in that message...now some shit must of happen to the both of them on top of my sneaky message shit because she let loose in this next blog on the real... she came out and talked about how she always knew he was full of shit about flirting with her in the open and if you love someone like he claimed he did he would shout that shit with no fear. Now I am reading this shit and getting heated as hell...so I commented on it could not help myself..I said So he told you he loved you..and at that point the shit was out and she replied back with Yes and more we need to do tea because I got more and with that being said..FUCK private messages and IM messages...call me..I gave her my number and another Demon drop door open to Hell. She called me and ask me do I remember that weekend back in June when he went out of town..I was like Yeah he told me he was going to Ohio to see his brother..Do you stay in Ohio..she was like HELL Naw and he came to see me the whole weekend we were in the hotel fucking..I almost fell out my chair..I was at work and could not scream like I wanted to..she was like check his phone bill girl we have been chatting for months and he came to see me and he ate my pussy the whole damn weekend...I was in a surreal at this point this was not happening, if anything I just thought it was some intense Internet chatting bullshit like the other women I had found out about. She went to telling me how he wanted her to have his Baby and he wanted to move down there where she lived and they had a plan mapped out for some time in Nov. I wanted to throw up so bad...I refuse to believe what she was saying but had to keep listening..I told her I paid for the rental for him to go to his brother's thing...she was like that is a Damn shame...she always knew about me but he told her I was helping him with some financial shit and he was just trying to keep the friendship going or some shit like that. She told me about how he came to her about the blogs she was writing saying I think your trying to mess my money up and this was not just talk she forwarded me all of the text messages and she emailed me all of the IM she had from him. In it him talking about how he sucked her clit for a whole hour and how he sucked her toes and how he missed her and loved her but the thing that got me in the bathroom with a cold rag on my face was the pictures she forward to me of him at his brother's wedding and of his kids and his mother..Now I have never seen his mother not even a pic and it was over a year we were seeing each other and after a couple of months of just chatting he send a pic to this woman..I was out done and then she forward me pics of his dick that he sent to her..I did not know who this person was she was talking about it was like I was fucking and helping a monster all of this time..at that point I did throw up and got very dizzy when I saw those pics..I could not believe this shit was happening she totally dogged his ass out on how broke he was and everything from the half on the pizza to his penis to him flushing the hotel receipt down the toilet to his only ability was eating pussy..I was out done, she even told me they had been having phone sex for months and he was addicted to the shit and one time he tracked her ass down begging her to get him off..WTF was that I did not know this man she was talking about at all ( And to think I wanted to do this with him and he never would admit even masturbating to me..all the freak he was looking for was in me already and more). I called him and went off and he got all nervous and said WTH let me call you back I knew he was calling her because I was on the other line with her and she told me he was calling but she did not answer the phone. This lying ass motherfucker calls me back and admits he did sleep with her and he really did go to Ohio and a lot of what she said was made up and that he rode there for a couple of hours only. Then he went into saying I told you I needed sometime away to get myself together..WTF is that you BASTARD..get the fuck away but not at my expense do you realize what the hell you have done..I have been helping you cheat on me with chatting with women and now going to see them every time I paid that phone bill..every time I paid that laptop bill..when I rented that car you used me you BITCH. And now you got this cocky ass excuse of why like it was my fault I brought this sick ass action on...Kiss my Ass. I wanted him to come to my house and bring me that damn laptop I was not letting him keep that after this shit happen..especially since I still consider it a loan until he paid for it. He tried with all of his might to get out of coming to see me..NAW you will not get off easy with a phone call or text I want to see your punk ass face to face. How you going to do this shit all cocky and shit and scared to face the music you were not scared to let me do all of this shit all at the expense of me being played like a fool so you could travel five hours to be stuck in a hotel room eating pussy did you..so no this is my time and my terms you had your say and play. He came over like I requested with no laptop but with a DVD he handed me and ask me to look at after he left...WTH is some more bullshit to find out. He was so nervous I guess he thought I was going to go crazy cat fighting on his ass or some shit..I had calmed down believe it or not by the time he came over.. I just wanted to know why..he went into going back on his failed marriage that ended like a couple of years ago..every time he fucked up he went right back to that shit.. I mean Nigga grow the fuck up and move on for real you did that shit because you wanted to nothing ore or less...your Ex wife ain't make you do shit..he went into talking about how nobody came to his aide and helped him move on from that divorce and shit...truth of the matter your a man with children you move on that shit you ain't no Damn Baby..can't go walking all over people's heart because yours is broke..go hide your ass in a corner until it mends or some shit..don't come to the world all broken and shit looking for people to take pity. After me screaming at him crying all over him shoveling those nasty ass pics in his face she sent me...how did the whole thing turn around and end in his favor again..me with my stupid ass and weak ass heart felt for the shit he was telling me I mean he opened up to me on a whole new level ( I thought)..he went into some real personal stuff that I kinda of suspected but he confirmed it and he also told me he really did want to try to be my man and he promise as soon as his mother stuff was right within a month I could met her. I wanted to believe him so bad still hurt from that stuff I just took in..I agree to try and start again with him...(Man this was some crazy as hold he had on me)..Now that I knew about what had been going down for some reason I could not shake it or the fact it was something else he was not telling me... I continued to talk to Miss P...I found a very usually closeness to her..she enlighten me on many levels about this man I was dealing with and in talking to her I found out she was very much like me on a younger level I could see his attraction to her for real. In the next few months he did really try to be more of what I needed of him..we talked more and I did see a kind of change in him...I wanted to try and trust him again he also was trying to come out and do more things with me..and I noticed him throwing more of himself into his school work and less on the net and when he did come online he would start acknowledging more on there..it was going pretty smooth until...Stay Tuned..nothing would prepare anyone for what was to come..I need to breath a minute before I start this next part (I guess Yall say Damn it's more..Oh Yeah it is)..this is bringing out so many emotions in me right now BUT I must go on...Stay Tuned

Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. Four)

I picked him up from the train station the night he came back from his so called trip to see his family and took him to my house where he showered and we went to bed without really saying anything to each other after the drama that went down while he was out there...the next morning we talked about my insecurities and fears with him and how he just lied about that stupid stuff for no reason..I wanted him to start treating me with respect and thinking of my feelings as I have always done for him...he agreed to work on us and I agreed to work on my temper and try not to take the things I see on the internet out of hand. I took him to his mother's house where he claimed he lived kissed him Goodbye and I felt hope in us again if it was just for a minute. I truly did love this man with everything and wanted it to work for us both. Things did start to get better and he stopped coming on his page as much or not at.. I noticed that when we were not talking about the internet and all we were a pretty good couple. In the meantime he gave the woman her laptop and they broke ties off from each other..Why I would never understand why he did that but as the story goes on she is glad their friendship ended the way it did. Seeing he was trying to get another laptop on his own and I knew his Bday was coming up I decided to try and help him get one. I approached him with it but he wanted to pay for it and just have me get it on my account, I ask him how will you pay for it when you do not have a job.. I mean hell I had been paying his cell bill for months and helping him get that car fix when it was breaking down..he told me he would find a way to get me the money each month he could not have me buy him a laptop like that.. Ok so he was convincing so i helped him get it and the first month installment I took care of so they could ship it out... now all while this was going on he still wanted to keep some distance from me saying he thinks he needs to be single if just for a minute and my dumb butt so in love with him said I could be friends with him.. (NOT) right after I said that the damn laptop came in the mail and I started regretting doing it.. I mean that nudge kept being there in my side.. Like what the hell are you doing type of nudge. ..run the hell away from this blood sucker type of nudge...but of course what do we do when we are denial..we ignore it and keep enduring the bullshit. I fought myself on telling him that damn thing came but I lost because I let him come and take it... he was so excited about getting it was like he dropped everything to come see me then...SMDH I crave him so much just to be next to him I could not see what he was doing. Oh yeah after that he was all loving with me because he got what he wanted out of me..after he was out of my site and in his comfort zone where ever he was he got real cocky again with me and became aggressive with his feelings towards me all behind the PC or phone of course but when it came time to pay that phone or laptop bill he would be right on point with the kissing of the ass and tried to be my man again. I was such a sucker for this fool it was not even funny and it started bringing me down and affecting my health in a major way..he was so self absorbed he did not even notice it.. I would not sleep or eat for days worried about where he was and who he was with... I demanded he call me or text me or something.. I always had this feeling of something aint right because I was still acting like my cousin on the IM and I saw what he was saying to her telling her me and him broke up but he only dealt with me because we have some unfinished business to take care of.. Can you imagine how hard it was to keep all of that inside and play this game with him...to see in plain day how out cold and cold hearted this man I claimed to be so much in love with was making a fool out of me behind my back. He managed to come up with the money for one month installment for the laptop he told me he got the money from his sister.. it was always his sister or mother as the go to person when he would have new shit or bills paid... (found out different.. wait til the next part of this story). So I said ok maybe he is trying but it was all part of his plan to sink me deeper into trusting him to no end... I said he paid one month and that is all it was.. the laptop was a total of five payments when it was all said and done. Every month it was always a new story of why he can't pay so he called himself making a deal with me..check this out.. " Baby if I get the money for my cell can you do the computer this month"...This is me.. " Oh Yeah Baby I got you".. (How you going to make a deal with me on your shit..to pay your shit) His Birthday was approaching and so the laptop was not consider a gift as far as I was concerned since he claimed he was going to be paying me for it( I never mentioned the money again but I still wanted it back DAMNIT just because I did not say anything do not mean it was not still there).. I decided to do something special for him.. now we had kinda of sort been like broke up but still reaping the benefits of boyfriend girlfriend right.. meaning still having sex. Ok so thats not really broke up right..LOL Anyway I knew he always wanted to get another Tattoo and I had two myself and wanted another one so one weekend when he was over on our Saturday ( I called it) we went riding around trying to find a Tattoo place and the right picture he wanted one on his arm and me on my back. We did not get anywhere that day and the one shop we ran into was too high.. so he knew his sister was going to get one and he asked her about her place.. he was once again all excited and sent me pics of his sisters tattoo and I liked it and told him we can go check it out.. So that next Saturday we went...now I noticed from the time we got in the car he was on that phone just a texting... he knew that was a major pet peeva of mine because that shit is rude as hell and sneaky...he claimed it was his brother from Ohio and he was at work and could not be on his cell like that and they were talking about him coming there for his daugther's Baptist ism. I did not want to argue on ruining the day with what I thought it really was so I let it go.. I mean come on this man lie like it was a way of life very easy he did this without a blink. So we got to the Tattoo shop he knew just what he wanted and we both picked it out he went first.. he got two like Joker mask and I got a Butterfly.. but as I was getting mine he was over there sitting on the couch back to that damn texting again I mean and was really into it to.. I was getting pissed. As we were going back to my place he kept talking about this trip to his brother house and how his brother do not deal with anyone but him and he really wanted to go and show his support.. I am like thinking this Nigga trying to ask something without asking.. I am hip. So as time goes on he kept talking about this trip to Ohio and how he was going to get his sister to rent a car so he could go.. now he would always bring shit up like that too me and around me knowing I will be like Baby you don't have to ask your sister I can get the car you.. (Such a dumb ass I was), He was like Naw Baby I will try to get it.. I said ok and left it alone..then a couple of days later it was his sister cant get it on the card can you do it and I will pay for it..now you know how this went.. Yeah Baby I can get the car on my card for you.. I mean this was my man what women would not do for their MAN right beside I did not want to look like the one that could not get him to his brother thing. So I did it..he was all excited about that wanted to go get him some shorts for the visit because he claimed he did not have any..only one pair.. so of course I offered to do that also seeing I did not want him going down there looking all homely..I mean just like a man would do for his woman to make her look good I wanted my MAN to look good too.. he was just down on his luck right now and I mean really he was trying.. ( I think LOL) I gots to laugh doing this story because it keeps me from crying.. it does. So anyway the day came for him to get ready for his weekend trip... I went to get him from some cousin's house.. (Stay tuned for this one).. I thought it was strange how he was going in and out of the house while I waited in the car like he lived there or something (It use to burn him up how close attention I pay to things.. Well I would not be who I am now if I did not)..because he brought his bag to the car and was like wait a minute I forgot something and went in thru the front and came out the back like he was locking up the house...HIS house.. I ask him who's house is this and he was like my cousin's house and I said where is your car... he was like I am letting my niece keep it so she can get back and forth to work...he always used that excuse when his car would up and disappear also...I thought you are a really.. really..really nice uncle... Shittttttttt...So we left that place to go to my place where he spent the night with me so we could get up and do the rental car thing before I go in to work...we thought after we get the car we may have time to stop and get him a couple of pair of shorts also. We had it all planned for his weekend get away..but something still did not sit well with me and it started when I went to that house to pick him up. He talked about how his brother was so excited to see him and how they have not seen each other for a while. After we made love I fell a sleep quick but he did not..he stayed up watching TV but he was texting again.. I looked up and said what are you doing and he said I am texting my brother about tomorrow while he is at work. So I laid back down but here is the really weird part... he came to bed with his phone something he never did.. and was like keeping it upon the window like he was waiting on a call in the middle of the damn night.. I act like I was sleep because I am a very light sleeper when I want to be and listened and waited as he did... and then all of a sudden he grabs his phone slides out the bed like I can't feel or hear him.. and he goes to the bathroom first and then he leaves the bathroom and goes into my office..I knew what he was doing (TEXTING) BUT I could not move.. I could not get my ass out that bed.. I was stuck..I was numb.. I could not move... when he came back to bed I was like what you doing he said nothing I thought my phone went off. YEAH fucking right!!!! Here is me..Oh ok Baby.. I love you and him.. Love you too....The next morning we got up and went to the car rental place..my card did not go thru at the first place and for some reason I panic ed and was like Baby we are going to get this car we went back to my house and I rush to find another car place that would accept my card..it was like I was trying to prove myself to him..he waited patiently why I did all of this crazy ass running around for HIM all trying to make it to work on time so he can make it to HIS shit. Anyway we got the car did not have time to get the shorts..we kiss Good Bye and he was off for his weekend and oh I slip him a little something for gas since he mentioned about borrowing money from his SISTER again..I pretty much knew he only had his unemployment check which was not much because of all his kids he had...I wanted him to be straight.. (Just like taking care of a kid aint it not a grown ass man). That weekend was a long one for me but he seem better then he did the last time he went out of town he called me on point and I tried not to bother him this time to much..I tried to really trust him..I cleaned my house all weekend and I noticed something while cleaning my room.. I had got these sex gel liquids you know for oral sex for us to use and one of the flavors was missing.. I kinda of dismissed it but not at the same time..(Keep this in a mental note folks). Anyway the day he came back was Father's day and he called me on his way in and let me know he will be to my house in the morning to drop the car off... I was cool. After that weekend he seem to be acting better with me and him and it lasted like a couple of weeks then one weekend he came over and was like we need to talk... He was I am going to move out to Ohio..it has been a year since I have worked and this is not like me and my uncle offered me a job out there as his accounting or something like that.. I was like Oh wow your going to move out there and he was like just until I can get back on my feet but I will be back and forth since my kids are still here.. I was shocked but there was nothing I could really say he made up his mind then he went to saying about how a old girlfriend had once told him I love you enough to let you go.. I was like what he was trying to break it off again .. I was out done... I went and sat in my living room and cried I was like nothing I do or say NOTHING this man do not love me and I dont think he never did or will I have been a damn fool all this time and he has been playing on it also.. it was harsh but I got sad and mad at the same time..he felt that and dropped the whole subject never to mention it for a minute the following weeks was a rough one for us and I started noticing things on his page again...one woman out stood more then all with her "Hey DADDY" and "Spank me DADDY" comments and "Thank you for everything you know what I am talking about" and in I would like to welcome...MISS P herself...she broke the mold and open a whole new can of worms on the real.. I never could imagine what her story would bring to me and neither did he or any of you...Next part The Beginning leading to the END ( Oh Yeah its a lot more of this bullshit and more then anyone could imagine)..Stay Tuned