Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. One)

There were so many ways I could of started this story...I played the words out in my head so many times. Unsure of how to begin the end of a journey that has left me drained..abused..used..and numb. As I go into the reason for this sudden urge to release this out my system, let me first start by saying I am not hear to bash anyone's name or character..this is a process that God has brought forth for the only reason I can think of and that is to learn and live. I say learn and live instead of live and learn because you have to go somewhere to get somewhere..how can you live if you do not learn..so with that being said let me begin my story that will truly end to my awakening.

I really was not up for anymore Bullshit in my life, I mean hell I was separated from a man who I thought was the love of my life and I would surely die with. I was with my husband for 20 years of my life we had two children and a dog (lol), owned our own home at a very young age..I mean I was the first in my generation and my mother and father's generation to have a big wedding and buy a home and live the American white fence dream..so they thought. The truth is we never should of gotten married..had kids or anything. I should of ended my relationship with him long before our daugther was born. But be it as it may with most African Americans we are the product of our environment and I endured the bullshit and pain for years to come only because my mother did and her mother did and so on. A fucked up cycle that leads me to this fucked up story that I must tell right now. Anyway I was separated from my husband for going on 2 years now we had started the divorce session but nothing was final as of yet. Now he was dating and I was dating..nothing serious because I was running into nothing but empty heads. I was out of the dating game so long I never imagined it was so much bullshit out here and I was not hungry to be in no relationship with no one.. I had enough worrys with keeping my business a float and raising my children.

I had no real time and did not try to make any either to go out as my friends and family wanted me to do. So I started networking and making friends online in different social sites. This seem to be the in thing and you did not have to worry about the Bullshit in clubs and so on just chat and log off. Anyway this guy started sending me messages at a site I was rarely on..I only had it because a lot of family used it and told me it was a good way to promote my buisness.. I would go there from time to time to chat with my out of town family and all and I noticed HIM..now don't get me wrong I got a lot of messages and what nots from all types of men all the time..but this one seemed different..I irgoned him for a while and his messages seem to come like once every other week instead of every week. One night I was bored out my mind and got an alert I had a message I checked it and it was him. I went to his page and thought he seemed nice let me send him a message back not thinking he would send one right back to me. So we started chatting and the conversation would get deep..we seemed to be on the same page about a lot of things including why we BOTH were single..( you will understand why I said BOTH like that later in the story)..we had a lot of things in common and he started to be very interesting to me, I love having conversation with people that have something to say and we talked all night and it became very refreshing to me. So anyway as the days went by I found myself talking to him every moment that I was free.. we exchange messanger ID's and contiuned the friendship to another level over there. I started to become excited to hear from him with each day that came and he seem to be that way with me also...we exchanged numbers and the feelings at that point could go no where but up and more deep at that point.. I had a live voice to the face I was typing to for weeks now, we talked day and night texted while he was at work..while I was at worked..I can't remember a time when we spent at least a hour without saying something to each other in sometype of way. He was exciting to me..something new I never felt so at ease with a man like this before and he was extremely gentle with me too understanding...now coming from a background of abuse this gentleness was welcome and much needed and it took me to another level with him that later you will see I never thought I could go with anyone not even my own love for myself.

We started seeing each other..our first date was amazing to me..I will never forget us meeting at the pool hall and laughed all night..he knew I had no clue of what to do with that pool stick..but I told him I sure know how to look sex with it though..he laughed and agreed..I thought it was so cute how he tried to stay focused on the game without looking at me every second...he was my Big Teddy Bear ( a nickname I called him from that point on). After talking on the phone..online all that time we finally were going to have our first kiss. As the night ended he walked me to my car and we talked some more..I was really at awe with this man he was not my typical type of guy I was use to dating..which to me was a big plus..he was nice..gentle. I gave him a kiss and WOW he had the softest lips in the world. He was not all nasty kissing he was gentle as he was the person he displayed to me all the time before this night. As I drove home..I had faith again in men and this dating thing I had a really good night with him and could not wait for more as he could not wait also.

For the next couple of months we seem to get closer and closer and I could feel myself falling for this guy deeper then I had ever planned and him also..it was like he could not get enough of me and I was right there with him. We only saw each other on the weekend when I did not work or sometimes after his midnight job. But we talked on the phone a whole lot and texted. And by me having my own buisness we could meet all the time during the day when he did not have to go in to work also, we were falling in love and I still remember the day he told me he loved me..I almost fell out my chair but for some odd reason I was excited about it because I loved him right back the same way too. We both explained how crazy our lives were he had children ( Babies Mama's) and a very demanding family that depending on him to be there for him and they always came first no matter what even before his own needs... (so he said)..this turned me on more a man that was turly dedicated to family and strength and love and protection..something I had not gotten from my own father. Even though we were getting closer and our feelings were getting stronger we moved very slow... he had a ugly divorce that he seemed to not be fully over..I felt he was still confused of his feelings for his ex-wife. Which now I know he should of been alone after his divorce and separation and got his head together. But even though I felt he was in love with her still I was still going though my own bullshit with my husband and our divorce. Something he never knew too much about and never asked (which was strange to me as well) I still contiune to see him and moved at his pace (BIG MISTAKE) and I never shared with him what was going on with me because as this story goes on you will see his situation changed for the worst and my problems seem so small at the time..I just dealt with them along with trying to be hero to him. After months of bliss with him..I introduced him to a site that was very dear to me that I did a lot of my blogging on, he was a writer like I and I felt he could really get his stuff out there for people that would really read and give him feed back on it was a much more mature crowd. He started off slow on the site and within time he got the hang of things and OH BOY did he...I started noticing a lot of women on his page..which was no big deal most guys have more women then anything but the thing that caught my eye was how the women was communcating with him like he was talking to them thru back doors and me being a woman and like most woman know that men have no clue of...we have our ways of letting people know oh yeah he is more then just a quick hello friend..you girls know what I am talking about...because I have done it too..saying in our heads " If he got a woman on here or don't they will know everyone on this page will know we are talking and he better not delete my comment or I will know he was lying about being single."

The comments started to become very disrespectful to me and I brought it up to him and instead of him saying Ok baby I will take care of it and your right and putting something out there to let them know I am not single...he got defensive and started saying how he could not control what people say on his page and if he put that he is in a relationship more women will hit him up on the fact that he is faithful...BULLSHIT..you can control you page..delete..ignore..BLOCK Motherfucker..Whew get back on track girl...anyway this is where the troubles began and we could not go anywhere from here but down... down.. down..with each part of this story to come you will soon see he really did not know who he was dealing with and what he let go and he still don't...

(Part 2: Baby I got fired for spending time with you on your Birthday)...to be cont. POSTING TOMORROW