In a nut shell...I can deal with just about anything that lifes throws at me but a day I am not looking forward too is the day I will lose my parents (and my children of course)...the older they get I beleive me and my sisters get more and more paranoid because their health especially my father is not the best at times...This is a picture of them at their 40th wedding anniversary party that me and my sisters gave them...They have been though a lot to keep their marriage and family together and I did not truly understand it until I became a wife and mother myself...it is very hard to stay in a relationship now a days for 2 years but 40!! (actually 43 years this picture is 3 years old)...and to raise six girls (and we all graduated from high school and five of us have our college degrees..never been in jail or on drugs) they raised us with a strong hand even when we did not understand it and hated them for it...they stuck together and stuck to their guns when it came to raising us...PRAISE GOD...A lot of people saw the worst in my parents when they were at their worst..but they showed them all and have been married longer then the ones that said they would not make it..I love my parents dearly and I am not looking forward to the day when I may lose them from this earth...
No matter what my world was like all year around..I did love the holidays...This was the time when everyone put their differences a side and tried to act like a decent family and enjoy each others company...It maybe hard to beleive from my previous posts but I LOVED my Christmas days during my childhood...We were poor...but my parents always found a way to make me and my sisters Christmas a wonderful day..We did not get as much as my cousins did..but it did not matter because on this day we got more than we had the whole year round...I remember this one Christmas day..I had to be about nine years old and I LOVED Wonder Woman...now mind you my mother was a bit prejudice..LOL...Well maybe a lot (I guess that is where I get my Angela Davis moments from) she never...I mean NEVER bought me and my sisters any white dolls..she had always told us we are not white and a white doll will never come in this house..not bought by me...So my dreams of playing with Wonder Woman and Cher (from Sonny and Cher) was about to be killed..because I am a kid I don't care about color at that age...I just wanted to have fun..The past two years I always put Wonder Woman on my list and for two years I got everything BUT Wonder Woman...This year I did not put her on the list..I put a Easy bake Oven and some other stuff (Can't remember)...My Daddy asked me why I did not put Wonder Woman down and I said because she is White and Mama won't let me have a white doll in this house...He started laughing and said put her down anyway..Santa Clause don't have a color he loves everyone no matter what color they are (My father always seem to act like a real Daddy at this time of year...almost like he was reliving his childhood though us)...So I wrote her down knowing damn well I was not going to get it AGAIN...The morning of Christmas like clock work at 6:00 a.m. me and my sisters ran downstairs..no brushing teeth..no washing faces...Who has time for those details...We ran downstairs..and we had so many gifts under the tree it looked like Toys R Us...Mind you my parents had six kids...LOL We all got five toys a piece..our usually new clothes and stockings full of candy and those big ass WALNUTS that nobody ever ate...I went to ripping and stepping on everything..I don't know what I was looking for but I kept looking...my sisters were busy eating candy out of their stockings....BUT I was on a mission...and then hiding under my bike which I did not notice at first..there it was a tall box wrapped really nice I might add...LOL..It had my name on it and it said To: Tracey From: Santa Ho Ho Ho...I was grinning like a Kool Aid Pitcher Commerical..I ripped it open and guess who it was....YEP!!!...
You guessed it...WONDER WOMAN **singing her theme music** And it had her weapon belt..her golden crown and gold wrist bands for me to wear to match my doll as well...My Daddy came down stairs and was like "What a mess"...after he inspected everyone stuff he looked at me and said I guess Santa Clause broke down the color barrier in this house this year just for you...I was in another world...I wore that Wonder Woman outfit all day long and tried to sleep in it to....It took my years to realize my daddy got me that doll and convinced my mother to let me keep it...Even though we had some bad moments...it is memory's like this that makes me love that man even more...When my daddy was at his best he was the greatest
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE...LOL
ENJOY THIS SHORT CLIP FROM MY FAVORITE CHILDHOOD SHOW..
There are many days I would love to do over...but I know I can only post one in this blog or we will be here for a couple of days..LOL Anyway the day that stands out the most for me would be my wedding day...If I knew what I know now...that event would of never happen...I should of hit the stage door left when the music started playing...I remember my father as we prepare to walk down the aisle saying to me.."Are you sure...are you ready...look at his family"...I look on his side of the church and only about six of his family members showed up...The rest of the church was my family...Lets go back a bit..we had dated for a year and a half before we moved in together and had a beautiful little girl...We were so young and so not ready for any of that...The pressure from our families especially after we had our daughter ..but we are exactly the meaning of you should never get married because of a child...Anyway his proposal was weak as hell and I should of known then also...HIM: We might as well get married..you want to get married..ME: Yeah..of course...No ring...no down on one knee...no surprise.. no rose petals.. no surprise annoucement in front of family and friends...we were sitting on the couch one night watching T.V...Now fast forward to the wedding day..it was on the hottest day of the summer...I was five months pregnant..my three year old would not stop crying and his best man did not show up so my uncle had to act as his best man and groomsmen....All SIGNS...The only one that truly wanted that wedding was my mother...this was her dream...all I did was wear the dress..she planned the whole thing even to the colors of the wedding...And then she threaten me saying I better stay married for at least five years...so she can get her money's worth..LOL...I am not going to go into details of my marriage just know that my lesson in all of this is..don't be so caught up in a moment that you rush into something that should never be..Don't settle...Be patience and wait for the prize...I deserve to have someone that will treat me like the gem I am...it all started with that whack ass proposal (The next time he will be that story tale or he will stay in the book)...But I did get two beautiful children out of the deal...So that is my day...The End
What do I dream about..I dream about you...so many nights alone with nothing to do..but sit and dream about you..I dream of the life I would have...if only you walk though my door and give me a chance...
What do I dream about...your presence is taking over my mind...if only you knew how thoughts of you take over my time...What do I dream about..I dream of a love that will come true...I tried many times and to my despair none of them ever worked because they were not you..What do I dream about..the day when it will come...When I will be lead straight to your kingdom..What do I dream about..I dream of White wings...White Doves and Harps with golden strings...I dream of you and if you are really true..I know that you are because my faith stretches past the stars...I constantly dream of the day we will meet...I dream of you often and without any despair ..One day this won't just be a dream and you will be waiting for me with open arms...on top of those golden stairs and doors trimmed in golden bars...Heaven...This what I live for...
DAMN!!!...Remind me to PINCH the person that came up with these blog topics for this challenge..LOL..I have many days I rather forget...but I am only going to tell you about one...Well if I have to pick one...There is one that sticks out the most..Brace yourself...my past was not pleasant at all...it is actually Lifetime movie worthy...Well by now from my previous blogs you all know I had a very dramatic past...Please don't read these blogs and feel sorry for me...that little girl was cracked..but not broken...that is why I am the woman I am today.... OK quit stalling Tracey...here we go...I was 14 years old and in my second foster home..I had become very close to the family...I was calling my foster mother Grand Ma and her grand kids that also stayed there my brother and sister...And then there was the Granddaddy...I could not bring myself to call him that...so for a whole year I would speak to him in passing and would not call him by any name....from a past experience I had become very cautious when it came to old men...I was a bad child...I got into all kinds of fights and was not doing well in the grades department either...I had a lot of anger in me and did not have a proper outlet..Shit kept happening to me and it seems it was all my fault...My real family thought I was the cause of all of the abuse that happen to me...(WHAT THE HELL KIND OF THING TO SAY TO A CHILD)...Any way I got kicked out of school for fighting again...my foster mother was at her wits end with me (this was at a time when foster parents were allowed to whoop the foster kids) so she said I am going to let Granddaddy handle you...of course I knew that meant I was going to get it with the belt...the whole day past he came home from work and did not say a word to me...nothing all night..I went to bed and I was thinking the coast is clear he is not going to touch me...To my surprise I was awaking early in the morning with a belt hitting my covers...I looked up and there he was standing over me telling me to get up...I did not move so he yanked the covers off me and started tearing my ass up..I jumped out of the bed and mind you I had on a gown with nothing under it...As I fell on the floor and my gown went up..he suddenly stopped and said go put your clothes on and then went back downstairs...I was so embarrassed and confused..I just crawled back in the bed all day...Days went by and no one said a word to me..I tried to avoid everyone...I was laying on the family room floor watching T.V. and he walked in..he stared at me and then went to sit in his chair...I went to get up and get out of his way and he said Stay there...I sat up but did not move he said you can lay back down like you were...I said I rather sit up...he kept staring at me..I was very uncomfortable...he looked at me and as I caught his eye he said I did not know you were so developed down there...I looked at him like down where...he said you are too big to get spank..I will never do that again..I am like OK..did not make me any difference been getting whooped all of my life...That was the end of that conversation..but as the days pasted he started coming upstairs to my room to see how I was doing and started taking me places with him and no one else..He would tell my foster mother I have work for her to do..we will be back...I was happy to help him because my foster sister told me he pays well...We would go clean buildings..this one day I was cleaning a building with him and he came in the office I was in and closed the door...I did not pay any attention I just kept working...He came over to me and wrapped his arms around me and started kissing my neck..I froze...(What do I do...What is he doing)...He kept kissing me and whispering in me ear..Don't Move..I want to show you what you do to me...I started shaking and he said don't be scared I Love you...I have been wanting to do this every since I saw your sweet pussy...I was scared..I started crying...he would not stop...I started scratching him...he would not stop...I was like please don't he would not stop...so I just stood there...once he saw I was calm he laid me down on the floor and started taking off my pants and then my underwear and then he did something to me that I never knew could be done...he started eating my pussy...he was sucking and licking and grabbing my ass tight..he kept moaning and I was crying...I could not stop crying...I was grabbing for something but it was not there..he thought I was enjoying it and it made him even more excited..he took off his pants very fast and said "I want you so bad I am going to bust"...He started talking to me telling me how it will feel..I became numb and I zoned out..I don't remember all of what he said to me because I was in another world...he entered me slowly and then all of the way and I SCREAMED...he started moving and covering my mouth telling me that if we got caught I was going to a girls home and be locked up for a very long time...I stopped screaming and just took it..it seem like it lasted a long time..he keep telling me how tight I was...He finally came and rolled off me..I could not move but knew I had too...he said hurry put your clothes back on I am going to take you to get something to eat....I was bleeding and wanted to go home...As days and even weeks past I became like a zombie...he started leaving little gifts under my covers...Was I losing it..What has happen to me...this man raped me and he keeps buying me gifts like I am his girlfriend...Every chance he got he would corner me in the basement or in the family room having sex with me making me suck his dick..I don't know what was wrong with me...I don't know why I did not tell..I just went with it...Then one day I got really sick and stayed sick for days...after a week of me throwing up my foster mother took me to the doctor and what he told her I thought she was going to have a heart attack right there in the room...The drive home was nothing but silence...we got to the drive way and before I got out the car she said stop...I want to know what the hell is wrong with you...Why did you do this...How can you go and get yourself PREGNANT !!..She was screaming and yelling at me calling me a dumb ass girl...I just yelled out it was your husband...she stopped and said WHAT...I said he has been having sex with me for months and told me if I said anything I was going to be locked up in a group home...She told me to get out the car and go to my room...I don't know what happen after that..I stayed in my room until she came upstairs and closed the door and said we cannot tell anyone about this...I am going to handle this and then she left...Two days past I was back in a different doctors office..but there was something different about this office...They put me in a room and told me to under dress and put my legs in the stir up...a nurse came in and gave me a shot..I started feeling dizzy but numb...All I remember was a doctor in between my legs and a humming noise...After I woke up in the recovery room..I ask the girl next to me what just happen to me...and she said you just had an Abortion...Age 14 will never be the same again...
