THE DAY I DISCOVERED THE INTERNET...DAY NINE

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Well the internet has been out for a very long time... believe it or not before most of us were born..LOL If I remember my history correctly it was 1950...But I won't get off into all of that...I first started discovering the world of the internet the moment this free CD came in the mail...I don't remember the exact date it had to be somewhere in the late 90's...It sure has come a long way from the AOL "You got Mail" voice and the messenger and the annoying ass slow dial up system...The internet has become a way of life for many...A lot of business would not survive without it and some did not survive because of it...The same with relationships...this thing called the internet will one day be the death of us all...LOL

THE DAY I REALIZE WHAT I WANTED TO BE..DAY EIGHT

Like I said in my previous post of my high school days...I knew the moment I read that Emmitt Till story and started researching in the library I wanted to do something that dealt with writing..researching and making a difference..A Reporter..I got off to a great start..applying for different colleges...But of course my very real reality slap me dead in my face again...Well me being promoted out of the eleventh grade straight to the twelfth grade was a day and a dollar short of me being able to get the scholarships I needed to fiance going away to college...I had to end up going to a local community college...Life kinda of hit me hard because I was on my own at a very early age..so school a lot of times took a back burner to me working so I can survive...I eventually finished college..even got my master degree in Business..but by the time I finished I was already in the Mortgage industry and got so good at it..I am now one of the top Sr. Underwriters at a major bank..BUT my dreams of being a writer never went away...I still hope to fulfill my dream with writing my poems and short stories..and even Blogs like this..I don't get along with never and I have  not met can't yet...So STAY TUNED...

THE MOMENT I REALIZE I HAD FRENDS..BUT NO BEST...DAY SEVEN

INSERT BEST FRIEND HERE....

There is no insert for that position and there never was one...I never had a FIRST BEST friend...I had friends...associates..even a couple of close ones...but a BEST...no one was better to fill that position but ME... Every time I thought I had a BEST...reality pulled me back in and said nope get your ass back here...it's just me..myself and I...I have always been a loner believe it or not...Females hated me growing up...I mean seriously...Boys wanted to get in my pants...Which in return made the females hate me even more..LOL...Actually made better friends with my male counterpart then I did with any female...I am a very cool person..but I don't take no shit and I am a blunt person also...A bad habit of mines...Which I try not to control too much...I figure there is not too much anyone can do or say to me that has not been done or tried..so why hold back..if I have an opinion or a view on something I voice it period..I don't try to be on someone's side...I don't try to go for how many likes I can get...it is what it is..either you like me or you don't...there is no middle...If I agree I will say it...if I don't the same applies..I NEVER was afraid of a fight..physical or verbal...and I never will be...One reason why school never worked for me was I never was the type to join clubs...and be in clicks..I hated the pretty girls club...and would not be seen in the ugly too live crew...then there was the geeks...They annoyed me..so I stayed to myself..I had a few people I socialized with here and there...and I am fine  with that..My younger years I went thru too much pain and my trust level was at a zero..The best kept secrets are the ones that are told..but if you don't have anyone to tell it to..Guess what no one will ever know...

MY FIRST JOB...MY OWN MONEY..DAY SIX

 


The Summer of 1985 I was 14 years old and my foster mother signed me up for a job with the Public School systems Summer Youth Program...I was so GEEKED...My foster sister who was two years older than me had been in the program for two summers already and she told me how easy it was and the best part you get a paycheck for it...I remember my first day at work...they had assigned me to Kettering High School..My job was to cut off all of the locks on the lockers from students that did not remove them on the last day of school and throw anything in the lockers out..I found all kinds of stuff in those lockers...some nice Trapper Keepers (remember those)...Book Bags..clothes..shoes..all kinds of stuff...Those kids lived in their lockers...LOL...But the best part of working there was the football team...The coach had training camp during the summer for the teams and that is where I meet HIM..he was 6'2 and all muscles..He was such a HUNK...OMG!!...One day I was in the weight room straighten up and HE was there lifting weights...and he stopped and just stared at me...He made me so uncomfortable staring at me like that...I was trying my best to get out of there quick...and was not watching what I was doing and I tripped over one of the weight benches and fell smack dead on my face...I just laid there and then I felt HIM...he picked me off the floor and ask was I OK (All while he was laughing at me of course)..I looked at him in those beautiful eyes and said PUT ME DOWN!!...So he dropped me..LOL (Ass Hole)...He said what is your name and me a stupid ass told him..he was like DAMN you got a bad ass body..You working here for the summer?...(ME: Yeah) and we exchange numbers...I could not wait to get to work to see him..I would sneak off when the crew team leader was not around and go meet with him in the weight room where we made out...We would have lunch on the field and make out...sneak behind the school..made out..we made out every chance we got...Come to think of it that is all we did..LOL Anyway I thought this boy was everything I forgot my whole purpose of being there was too make some money...The program only lasted for 20 weeks..so on the 18th week I went to ask him if he still wanted to keep in touch after my program was done and I also had a card for him with a love note in it..So like clock work I left and went to find him..he was not in the weight room..he was not on the field..he was not in the locker room...So I waited for him outside in front of the school..and guess who I see walking down the street walking hand in hand with another girl...HIM!!!..I walked up to him and he had the nerve to say What's up Tracey..this is my girl Angie..I said WHAT!!..He was like yeah..like it was no big deal..is he out of his mind...I looked at him and said you should of told me you had a GIRL before you put your hand on my PUSSY and I walked away...after that day I did not want to go back to work...Matter of fact I never worked in that program again...He was such a Fucktard...But the very next month when school started I was back in awe of another guy..LOL and forgot all about the Hazel Eye Monster

THE DAY I FIRST FELL IN LOVE..DAY FIVE

The day I first fell in love...The Picture above describe the feeling...Click the music below and this was how it happen..Just like this..The Night... And the result of this first and only love was two beautiful children...

A HIGH SCHOOL MEMORY...THE DAY I RECOGNIZED ME..DAY FOUR

The first thing that comes to mind when I think of my High School years is...SENIOR YEAR!!...This was the best year I ever had in school since the first grade...I blocked out a lot of my years in school..Maybe it's a Post Traumatic thing or maybe it is just a choice..Whatever it is I only think of my Senior year..I only talk about my Senior year...I only glance at picture of my Senior Year...The years before this year was HELL for me I learned a lot about myself and the strength I had within me to survive...I had been to a couple of fosters homes and even went back to try and live with my parents again for a couple of years...But the time away from them was more damaging then I thought for us all..I could not let go of the painful past and my father could not let go of fact that I ever ran away from home in the first place..We did not get along at all..We fought all the time..I hated him and he never said he was sorry for what he put me and our family though..even though he got off drugs and was trying hard to stay clean and working again..I could not let go...So the end of my ninth grade and tenth grade year I got in so much trouble it is a wonder I am not in jail or dead...My parents knew the only way to save me was to send me away again...so with that being said I was put in a Girls Alternative/Catholic School called Vista Maria and there I stayed for one and a half years...Since my first two years of school I basically failed in every subject accept History and Music...So they wanted to keep me in the tenth grade...But one of the Nun's saw something in me and she tested me..and to everyone's surprise I passed all of the test with flying colors...The test turned out to be college level lessons..I got all A's in them... Ms. Greenberg (my Angel Nun) took my scores to the head mistress and they all decide to promote me straight pass the eleventh grade straight into the 12th grade..HOT DAMN!!...Who knew...When they told me the news I was in a state of shocked because I really tried my hardest to not pass those Damn tests on purpose and it did not work..The Nun said to me God has another plan for you and it is time you start living by what he wants for your life...She said I love you..God loves you and we will never turn our back on you regardless how you try to sabotage it ..You have had a hard life in your short life...but now it is the time to turn that around...She said I scored the highest on my writing test and she had something for me..She laid on my bed a book.."The story of Emmett Till"..I looked at her like she was crazy..I passed my tests with all A's and you give me a Damn book with this horrible picture of a dead boy on it..She then said this book will change you..I want you to read it and then report back to me when your done...Once she left my room I looked at that book and threw it in my closet..This Bitch is crazy out of her mind I thought..A couple of days passed by and she did not mention the book and me either...I even forgot about that book..Until a week later it appeared on my bed again..I got really pissed and screamed in the hall way STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!!..I threw the book back in the closet and slammed the door...That night I had the weirdest dream..I dreamed I was in a bedroom and that boy walked in my room with that Nun and they were just staring at me..Now this freaked me out so bad I ran out of my room and slept with my best friend for a week..I made her go in my room to get my clothes everyday..I finally told the Nun about my dream and she told me your guilt is getting to you..Read the book...I went back to me room and there was that book lying right where I left it in the closet..I started looking at the pictures first and the images of his decomposed body made me want to know what happen to him..Once I started reading that book..I could not put it down..I wanted to know so much more..so I stayed in the library on weekends trying to find more books on him and his mother...The research amazed me so much I was obsessed with wanting to know more...Once the Nun asked me about how the book was coming..I told her I am done and I want to read more on this subject of lynchings..Civil Rights..Black History..My History..All History...She took me to the main library downtown where I almost lost my mind...The old newspapers..The old files..the books..as we drove back to the dorm...she asked me what did you get out of this..I said I want to be more then what I am..I want to graduate and go to college..I want to learn more...know more..I asked her why did she pick that book for me to read and she said I knew you would be intrigued with his story..You seem to be very interested in History and I knew his story would wake you up...That woman still was weird to me..but I felt a connection with her...no one could reach me like she could with her weird tactics...I graduated that year with honors and as I left the Girls Home and School Campus for the last time..I knew that would not be my last time seeing that place again..And it wasn't I went back 10 years later as a mentor for the girls with a troubled past..The Nun that help me out of my shell and anger had passed away..But her spirit was with me the day I walked back on that Campus..it was like she embraced me as I walked though the gates and she was saying Welcome Home my dear I see you found your destiny..My life was never the same at that point..I proceeded to kill the old me and reinvent a new and it all started the year of 1987...But my journey to finding me was not quite there yet..but this was a start

THE MIDDLE..LET THE SHIT BEGIN...DAY THREE

It seems my elementary years was just the start of my BULLSHIT...being hungry and poor was nothing compared to the years that awaited me past the six grade...My first year in middle school..the middle..the middle..this was the year I finally got up enough nerve to leave my abusive environment and try and find me a better life so I ran away from home leaving behind the hurt..only to find more...I found something alright and it's name was not BETTER..The Middle is where my body started going though changes and I was not the only one that notice...it was not boys my own age..more like men..grown ass men old enough to be my grandfather (To this day I stll feel very uncomfortable around men over the age of 55 but at least I don't get nausea anymore)...From this point on I would never understand for a very long time why those things happen to me...All I know is the middle was the beginning of a whirlwind of BULLSHIT...And then came High School