Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. Four)

I picked him up from the train station the night he came back from his so called trip to see his family and took him to my house where he showered and we went to bed without really saying anything to each other after the drama that went down while he was out there...the next morning we talked about my insecurities and fears with him and how he just lied about that stupid stuff for no reason..I wanted him to start treating me with respect and thinking of my feelings as I have always done for him...he agreed to work on us and I agreed to work on my temper and try not to take the things I see on the internet out of hand. I took him to his mother's house where he claimed he lived kissed him Goodbye and I felt hope in us again if it was just for a minute. I truly did love this man with everything and wanted it to work for us both. Things did start to get better and he stopped coming on his page as much or not at.. I noticed that when we were not talking about the internet and all we were a pretty good couple. In the meantime he gave the woman her laptop and they broke ties off from each other..Why I would never understand why he did that but as the story goes on she is glad their friendship ended the way it did. Seeing he was trying to get another laptop on his own and I knew his Bday was coming up I decided to try and help him get one. I approached him with it but he wanted to pay for it and just have me get it on my account, I ask him how will you pay for it when you do not have a job.. I mean hell I had been paying his cell bill for months and helping him get that car fix when it was breaking down..he told me he would find a way to get me the money each month he could not have me buy him a laptop like that.. Ok so he was convincing so i helped him get it and the first month installment I took care of so they could ship it out... now all while this was going on he still wanted to keep some distance from me saying he thinks he needs to be single if just for a minute and my dumb butt so in love with him said I could be friends with him.. (NOT) right after I said that the damn laptop came in the mail and I started regretting doing it.. I mean that nudge kept being there in my side.. Like what the hell are you doing type of nudge. ..run the hell away from this blood sucker type of nudge...but of course what do we do when we are denial..we ignore it and keep enduring the bullshit. I fought myself on telling him that damn thing came but I lost because I let him come and take it... he was so excited about getting it was like he dropped everything to come see me then...SMDH I crave him so much just to be next to him I could not see what he was doing. Oh yeah after that he was all loving with me because he got what he wanted out of me..after he was out of my site and in his comfort zone where ever he was he got real cocky again with me and became aggressive with his feelings towards me all behind the PC or phone of course but when it came time to pay that phone or laptop bill he would be right on point with the kissing of the ass and tried to be my man again. I was such a sucker for this fool it was not even funny and it started bringing me down and affecting my health in a major way..he was so self absorbed he did not even notice it.. I would not sleep or eat for days worried about where he was and who he was with... I demanded he call me or text me or something.. I always had this feeling of something aint right because I was still acting like my cousin on the IM and I saw what he was saying to her telling her me and him broke up but he only dealt with me because we have some unfinished business to take care of.. Can you imagine how hard it was to keep all of that inside and play this game with him...to see in plain day how out cold and cold hearted this man I claimed to be so much in love with was making a fool out of me behind my back. He managed to come up with the money for one month installment for the laptop he told me he got the money from his sister.. it was always his sister or mother as the go to person when he would have new shit or bills paid... (found out different.. wait til the next part of this story). So I said ok maybe he is trying but it was all part of his plan to sink me deeper into trusting him to no end... I said he paid one month and that is all it was.. the laptop was a total of five payments when it was all said and done. Every month it was always a new story of why he can't pay so he called himself making a deal with me..check this out.. " Baby if I get the money for my cell can you do the computer this month"...This is me.. " Oh Yeah Baby I got you".. (How you going to make a deal with me on your shit..to pay your shit) His Birthday was approaching and so the laptop was not consider a gift as far as I was concerned since he claimed he was going to be paying me for it( I never mentioned the money again but I still wanted it back DAMNIT just because I did not say anything do not mean it was not still there).. I decided to do something special for him.. now we had kinda of sort been like broke up but still reaping the benefits of boyfriend girlfriend right.. meaning still having sex. Ok so thats not really broke up right..LOL Anyway I knew he always wanted to get another Tattoo and I had two myself and wanted another one so one weekend when he was over on our Saturday ( I called it) we went riding around trying to find a Tattoo place and the right picture he wanted one on his arm and me on my back. We did not get anywhere that day and the one shop we ran into was too high.. so he knew his sister was going to get one and he asked her about her place.. he was once again all excited and sent me pics of his sisters tattoo and I liked it and told him we can go check it out.. So that next Saturday we went...now I noticed from the time we got in the car he was on that phone just a texting... he knew that was a major pet peeva of mine because that shit is rude as hell and sneaky...he claimed it was his brother from Ohio and he was at work and could not be on his cell like that and they were talking about him coming there for his daugther's Baptist ism. I did not want to argue on ruining the day with what I thought it really was so I let it go.. I mean come on this man lie like it was a way of life very easy he did this without a blink. So we got to the Tattoo shop he knew just what he wanted and we both picked it out he went first.. he got two like Joker mask and I got a Butterfly.. but as I was getting mine he was over there sitting on the couch back to that damn texting again I mean and was really into it to.. I was getting pissed. As we were going back to my place he kept talking about this trip to his brother house and how his brother do not deal with anyone but him and he really wanted to go and show his support.. I am like thinking this Nigga trying to ask something without asking.. I am hip. So as time goes on he kept talking about this trip to Ohio and how he was going to get his sister to rent a car so he could go.. now he would always bring shit up like that too me and around me knowing I will be like Baby you don't have to ask your sister I can get the car you.. (Such a dumb ass I was), He was like Naw Baby I will try to get it.. I said ok and left it alone..then a couple of days later it was his sister cant get it on the card can you do it and I will pay for it..now you know how this went.. Yeah Baby I can get the car on my card for you.. I mean this was my man what women would not do for their MAN right beside I did not want to look like the one that could not get him to his brother thing. So I did it..he was all excited about that wanted to go get him some shorts for the visit because he claimed he did not have any..only one pair.. so of course I offered to do that also seeing I did not want him going down there looking all homely..I mean just like a man would do for his woman to make her look good I wanted my MAN to look good too.. he was just down on his luck right now and I mean really he was trying.. ( I think LOL) I gots to laugh doing this story because it keeps me from crying.. it does. So anyway the day came for him to get ready for his weekend trip... I went to get him from some cousin's house.. (Stay tuned for this one).. I thought it was strange how he was going in and out of the house while I waited in the car like he lived there or something (It use to burn him up how close attention I pay to things.. Well I would not be who I am now if I did not)..because he brought his bag to the car and was like wait a minute I forgot something and went in thru the front and came out the back like he was locking up the house...HIS house.. I ask him who's house is this and he was like my cousin's house and I said where is your car... he was like I am letting my niece keep it so she can get back and forth to work...he always used that excuse when his car would up and disappear also...I thought you are a really.. really..really nice uncle... Shittttttttt...So we left that place to go to my place where he spent the night with me so we could get up and do the rental car thing before I go in to work...we thought after we get the car we may have time to stop and get him a couple of pair of shorts also. We had it all planned for his weekend get away..but something still did not sit well with me and it started when I went to that house to pick him up. He talked about how his brother was so excited to see him and how they have not seen each other for a while. After we made love I fell a sleep quick but he did not..he stayed up watching TV but he was texting again.. I looked up and said what are you doing and he said I am texting my brother about tomorrow while he is at work. So I laid back down but here is the really weird part... he came to bed with his phone something he never did.. and was like keeping it upon the window like he was waiting on a call in the middle of the damn night.. I act like I was sleep because I am a very light sleeper when I want to be and listened and waited as he did... and then all of a sudden he grabs his phone slides out the bed like I can't feel or hear him.. and he goes to the bathroom first and then he leaves the bathroom and goes into my office..I knew what he was doing (TEXTING) BUT I could not move.. I could not get my ass out that bed.. I was stuck..I was numb.. I could not move... when he came back to bed I was like what you doing he said nothing I thought my phone went off. YEAH fucking right!!!! Here is me..Oh ok Baby.. I love you and him.. Love you too....The next morning we got up and went to the car rental place..my card did not go thru at the first place and for some reason I panic ed and was like Baby we are going to get this car we went back to my house and I rush to find another car place that would accept my card..it was like I was trying to prove myself to him..he waited patiently why I did all of this crazy ass running around for HIM all trying to make it to work on time so he can make it to HIS shit. Anyway we got the car did not have time to get the shorts..we kiss Good Bye and he was off for his weekend and oh I slip him a little something for gas since he mentioned about borrowing money from his SISTER again..I pretty much knew he only had his unemployment check which was not much because of all his kids he had...I wanted him to be straight.. (Just like taking care of a kid aint it not a grown ass man). That weekend was a long one for me but he seem better then he did the last time he went out of town he called me on point and I tried not to bother him this time to much..I tried to really trust him..I cleaned my house all weekend and I noticed something while cleaning my room.. I had got these sex gel liquids you know for oral sex for us to use and one of the flavors was missing.. I kinda of dismissed it but not at the same time..(Keep this in a mental note folks). Anyway the day he came back was Father's day and he called me on his way in and let me know he will be to my house in the morning to drop the car off... I was cool. After that weekend he seem to be acting better with me and him and it lasted like a couple of weeks then one weekend he came over and was like we need to talk... He was I am going to move out to Ohio..it has been a year since I have worked and this is not like me and my uncle offered me a job out there as his accounting or something like that.. I was like Oh wow your going to move out there and he was like just until I can get back on my feet but I will be back and forth since my kids are still here.. I was shocked but there was nothing I could really say he made up his mind then he went to saying about how a old girlfriend had once told him I love you enough to let you go.. I was like what he was trying to break it off again .. I was out done... I went and sat in my living room and cried I was like nothing I do or say NOTHING this man do not love me and I dont think he never did or will I have been a damn fool all this time and he has been playing on it also.. it was harsh but I got sad and mad at the same time..he felt that and dropped the whole subject never to mention it for a minute the following weeks was a rough one for us and I started noticing things on his page again...one woman out stood more then all with her "Hey DADDY" and "Spank me DADDY" comments and "Thank you for everything you know what I am talking about" and in I would like to welcome...MISS P herself...she broke the mold and open a whole new can of worms on the real.. I never could imagine what her story would bring to me and neither did he or any of you...Next part The Beginning leading to the END ( Oh Yeah its a lot more of this bullshit and more then anyone could imagine)..Stay Tuned

Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. Three)

Trying to write this story in one shot back to back seems to be harder then I thought it would be even though I am not giving every little detail about me and him I am trying to give you a nice picture of what it was I went though in this situation. As I stated in Part 2 the love I had for this man was unreal in my own and anyone for that matter definition of what love should of been..no one should ever give themselves to a person the way I gave to this man..no one... I continued to try to be the best person and woman I could for this man because I was raised to stick it though once you set a commitment you see it thru to the deadly end...this is a Fucked up way to raise a child just horrible..it sets them up for failure to some degree. I gave to this man something he could never and would never give to me and that was Self..I gave all of me to get back nothing but grief and internal pain that continues to haunt me to this day. I started suspecting other things with him at this point that was outside of the Internet but I was so caught up in the disrespectful things that was taking place on his page and the pages he tried to hide from me I did not focus a whole lot on the nudge I was getting outside that PC telling me GIRL you got bigger problems then this...I started forcing the issue of us spending more time together and me meeting his family..I mean DAMN it was over a year. We fought all the time over stupid little stuff he became real snappy with me, He started sending me PUNKASS texts telling me he was unhappy and he did not think he was right for me..see he always called himself getting brave behind technology...this is where he do not have to show his true ugly face. I was not accepting that punk ass shit..he owed me more then a text and IM..you want to break it off with me come to me and tell me as a MAN (you say you are) suppose to be and talk to me give me a reason some closure so I can move on (THE TRUTH)..so we went thru this merry go round of him trying to ease away from me but still not going anywhere for a while. See my problem with this is because I know most of you are saying why play this game let this coward motherfucker GO.. See I am a stubborn ass woman and I needed to know why and the real reason he wanted to let this relationship just go..because my gut just told me he is so full of shit...I just really wanted to bust him on his shit..Yeah I did..PLUS I really was in love with this fool and you all know how we do when we are in love we get stupid. After a while he started trying to work it out again with me and the issue was dropped but we still was having some issue with this Internet thing it was like he was addicted to the shit and got a BIG attitude if anything was mentioned...Which everyone knows that shows GUILT big time so me suspecting him never went away never..I said to myself this Nigga is the type that has to be taught a hard ass lesson not a soft quiet one..a hard LOUD one. Once school started to really jump off he started to use this excuse to distance himself along with him spending time with his children..he use that excuse like water man for real at this point I started to care and not care because it was one lie after another after another like he had some type of sickness..but the love was still there I started to become drained with him but could not let him go...very weird. He would come over but the visit started to change he would sit at a distance and no matter how sexy I looked and smell I would be all in his face he would try his best not to touch me which did not work..because come on all this ass I got your going to hit it unless your gay..LOL I knew then he was seeing someone else because there was no way you go from craving the pussy to avoiding it for no fucking real good reason at all and I was right I mean he even started to kiss me different...I suspected someone on the Internet first like on that damn friendlist of his so I decided to play a little game myself. I got with a cousin of mine from out of town and clued her in on something I was trying to do..of course she was all in to help her big cousin out she created a page and befriend him..and of course like a lot of men he fell for the big butt and a smile. I let her chat with him for a while so he could get a comfortable feeling towards her but she started to get mad because she was telling and showing me what he was saying and she got very upset that he was disrespecting me the way he was doing first saying he was single then how he was trying to act like me and him just broke up and he was just being my friend to ease my feelings from him. So she did not want to play anymore because she wanted to cuss his lying ass off bad..so I took over the role and cont. the chats as her. He never knew the difference we would talk for hours all during the day of course during normal people work hours (because he was unemployed you know but telling people online he was a salesman..a salesman alright..he sold decent). It took all I had not to bust his ass because as me as her he was flirting with her..I started flirting with him just to see if he would do it back and he did..BOY I was heated he wanted to meet her and everything. He started being real cocky with the shit too..he would start coming over when it was for a purpose either money or gifts he never came over just because he wanted to see me anymore there always had to be a purpose a reason..something to do with money always...one day he started talking about how he needed a laptop for school how he was not able to keep up with his homework using other people's computer..so of course my dumb ass trying to help this fool that was clearly dogging me help him get one..we would watch the shopping network and stop in office supply places trying to find a good deal...then one day he called me and told me he had a laptop his Godmother gave it to him. I was like she just gave you a laptop just like that and he went into it was used and she wanted to help me with school and everybody knew how bad i was trying to get one...Now you know that was BULLSHIT but I let it go and did not push at it. As time went on it was up and down for me and him still having this major issue with the Internet..One day I went on his page like I do every morning to put my Hugs and Smiles on his page I seen another woman on there calling him Baby and some other stuff I ask him about it and the fight began and at this point I was already fed up with this nigga knowing his DDay was coming I told him you know what do you and I hung up and started deleting my page...while in the middle of me removing shit I get a message from one of his friends on his list telling me she knows I am upset with him but I need to know that he does love me. I was like what the hell is this..I replied back asking her you know about me and him and she said yes and she also knows that the comments the women on his page have been making is upsetting to me also. I was knocked the hell over with what she was saying.. I ask her to move the convo to the IM window and I found out this woman was a true friend to him and he actually talked about me to her I was out done. Out done I say because he so tried to hide us to the Internet and to the real world I never could imagine he actually mention my name and us being a couple to anyone. Me and this woman started to become friends since he had been telling her about us anyway I felt I could talk to her about the things that bothered me about him and our so called relationship..Shit I needed someone that truly understood what I was going thru just so I could vent...over time me and this woman became such good friends she started to see me and see HIM in a different light she started noticing things that I had refuse to see and admit because I was too into it with him. Like for instance he told me he wanted to go visit his family out of town and that he was going to leave for a week and go out there..well while he was out there he talked to me the whole train ride there and we set it up where i would be picking him up when he got back but once he got there the story changed... the first day he called but after that he would go for hours not answering a text or a call and as we women know our intentions about things started to kick in.. I was talking to our girlfriend and informed her of what was going on and when he did call back he would give me some storyline 0f how in some places out there you cant get a signal..just lying. She listen to what I said and then she told me "Honey I hate seeing you go thru this let me tell you something Don't let that man treat you like some Hoe"..there is no excuse for him not to call you back and too take hours to get back to you is unacceptable. She texts him and ask him if he was out there seeing another woman he replied back to her and told her he was not and answered back like he was offended she would even ask him something like that. As me and her chatted more she told me she had somethings she wanted to ask me and thought this was a good time to ask because she was seeing this man she thought was a friend to her in a different light I mean she thought of him as her little brother. She asked me if I knew she sent a laptop to him..I was like WHAT...she said yeah I sent him a laptop a while ago to help him out with school. I told her no he told me he got the laptop from his Godmother...she was boiling she was like why would he lie about something like that...it was a stupid ass lie and not called for...she said me and him do not have anything going on but a friendship and I sen him the laptop because I have so many and I told him he could use it while he was in school. Well since he lied about that she went on to ask me about Christmas and if he got me anything..I told her no because we both had decided because he was not working we would not exchange gifts..she paused and then told me she had helped him with Christmas also she sent his children some clothes and she sent him some gifts certificates to places to eat and she told him to use at least one of them to take me out.... NOT I never heard about any of this stuff she was talking about and you would think after all the stuff I was doing for him he would of thought enough to say I should do something special for this girl after all she has been there for me..I mean if we did go out who do you think paid for everything..it was not a issue but I should of made it one. She then told me listen if he can go out and get him Subway and Chinese and this and that he can buy you a card..she then told me he was using me and I needed to rethink this relationship with him because he was a user and now she was ready to get her laptop back from him because he lied to her also. She told me she thought she was helping a friend in need as I thought I was helping my MAN get back on his feet because she helped him and I helped him and his mother..sister and so on..this man had so much support from women no wonder he knows nothing about being a MAN. He was a pity hustler he played on that to get good women with great hearts to support his sorry ass. She also informed me that he asked her how far Kansas was because he had a friend out there...now me and her thinking and talking about this all while he was on his so called trip to see his family... anyway she said right after he said that a woman that was on his friendlist kept popping on her page making comments and when she replied back she noticed she was from Kansas..and then she noticed some of the things she said on his page..she just threw that out there for me so I started watching her and soon after that she started popping on my page also. Go figure he ask..he went and she appeared..LOL it don't even matter anymore.. because the next part is a bigger fish to fry. Stay Tuned

Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. Two)

What better way to pick up where I left off at then with the internet drama I experienced with him..like I was saying before the comments were more personal then your regular Hello..How you doing type of stuff..now it was not with every woman but just a couple was one that caught my eye right after his Birthday I found out later she followed him there from another site she would leave comments like...I wanted to say Happy Bday to you but you won't pick up your phone and I am sorry about last night baby I will make it up...I was like WTF!! I approached him and he would give some lame ass excuse saying he talk to her on the messanger sometimes and this one night she fell asleep while they were chatting and she was a good friend of his from some old job...(BULLSHIT)..after that she started to not show up so much on the page BUT here comes another one and this one is the one that turned a lot of things around for me and gave me a new outlook on him...this woman would leave messages in another lanague to him like codes...now mind you he knew I was watching all of this and the fights started...he started acting funny outside of the computer also..he started not answering his phone for hours and when he did it was always from the car. I questioned everything as I should and this drove us deeper into more of a division. This woman was very blunt about her feelings and made it known they had a outside relationship also...he would always say she is just a friend but he started catching feelings for her I could tell because he defended her actions and I saw him more on her page then mine... at this point I thought this motherfucker must think I am stupid and can't get anyone besides his ass he got me fucked up HE did not know how many men came to me in the real and cyber world he was totally taking advantage of my love for him and started doggin me out by being disrespectful. I started talking to other guys too but none of them got my mind off this fool..SMDH...I invited this woman to my friendlist she accepted and come to find out she and he were talking for months and he started off with her the same way he started off with me and they had plans to meet each other and everything...she act as though she was shocked about us being together BUT for some reason I felt she knew about me but played on the fact that he never should of told me he was single..which she was right he was online telling women he was single when he REALLY was not and I mean REALLY ( you will know what I mean later). She was very upset with him and let him know it...he came to me trying to explain how he do not know when someone love him and he did not know how to love and BLAH..BLAH BULLSHIT..I listen and still not satisfied I had found out it was a couple of women he was telling he was single too and flirting with them off color...we talked I gave him another chance because I had no real proof he had went any further then keeping it thru the computer and phone... (I know now that shit i just said sound crazy). Well anyway he was trying to make a mends with me and started acting right again I started rethinking a lot of things with him even though I was trying to move on with him. All of a sudden he started talking to me about how unhappy he was with his job and what was going on in his personal life with his ex and his kids. I wanted to be there for my man (MY MAN RIGHT..remember this) because me being of sound strong back boned black women this is what you do...stand by your fucking man by any means...I tried to comfort him and show him how supportive and understand I could be for him...nothing seem to work so my Bday was coming up and I felt we both needed to get away and do something really special after everything that had happen the last couple of months so I booked a suite for my Bday and we stayed there the whole weekend and had a ball full of love..sex..love sex..and love again...there was no expense set for me and my Teddy..he did not have much money but he manager to get me a room full of balloons and a stuffed white puppy...(my Willow)..I chersied that more then a fur coat because I felt he gave it with true love which means more to me then how much money you have...anyway as the weekend was coming to a end we were setting plans to do it again..that weekend Bday meant more to me then the years we ever shared together. Things were good for me he changed and started a new page and everything seemed fine..until right after the Thanksgiving holiday he called me one day pissed off and told me he just got fired and the reason was the weekend of my Bday was not approved...I was like WHAT now I thought something was up to that story because my Bday was the end of Oct. and he lost his job the end of NOV...WTF I was like ok he do not want to give me the real reason why but why blame that shit on my bday and try to make me feel guilty...I mean I use to catch him in all kinds of little lies and ignored them..(BIG Mistake) I remember him acting like he was on the phone talking to his sister or mother or such trying to throw me off..I use to crack the fuck up at his stupid as for that...I said to myself then he do not know who he fucking with for real...I need to watch this shit more closely he thinks he is slick. Right after that he started acting funny again and I thought it was because his money situation was changing and he had a lot on his mind (Oh Yeah he did)...I offered my help to try to get him out of this funk...he wanted to go back to school and get a degree so I decided to help him thru it...I started paying his cell phone..bought him a jacket when his got taking..shoes..clothes...pocket money to keep gas in his car helped him get the car fixed when it would break down or needed a tire, helped him get books for school etc.,(YEAH I was real stupid for this Nigga)..help him with the kids Christmas...he needed it I got it (and as this story goes on this shit gets worst)...now he would always act like he did not ask for it..BUT first you took it and second why bring it up in my presence if you did not want my help...(The Pity Hustler)...I was really trying to be a good woman for this fool but his own greed took his evil ass to another thinking on how he can really play this game to get by. Even with me helping him he still was acting like he was unhappy and kind of pushing me away BUT not too much away because he still needed me, now when we first met he told me him and his brother and cousin shared a place and then later in the months they all moved out and went their separate ways and he went to live with his mother since she needed him..(so he said). But the real issues began when I started asking to meet them....BOY what a man will do to keep a lie going....and then the Drama begins....

Part 3 tomorrow..to be cont.

Awake..you've slept too long..(Pt. One)

There were so many ways I could of started this story...I played the words out in my head so many times. Unsure of how to begin the end of a journey that has left me drained..abused..used..and numb. As I go into the reason for this sudden urge to release this out my system, let me first start by saying I am not hear to bash anyone's name or character..this is a process that God has brought forth for the only reason I can think of and that is to learn and live. I say learn and live instead of live and learn because you have to go somewhere to get somewhere..how can you live if you do not learn..so with that being said let me begin my story that will truly end to my awakening.

I really was not up for anymore Bullshit in my life, I mean hell I was separated from a man who I thought was the love of my life and I would surely die with. I was with my husband for 20 years of my life we had two children and a dog (lol), owned our own home at a very young age..I mean I was the first in my generation and my mother and father's generation to have a big wedding and buy a home and live the American white fence dream..so they thought. The truth is we never should of gotten married..had kids or anything. I should of ended my relationship with him long before our daugther was born. But be it as it may with most African Americans we are the product of our environment and I endured the bullshit and pain for years to come only because my mother did and her mother did and so on. A fucked up cycle that leads me to this fucked up story that I must tell right now. Anyway I was separated from my husband for going on 2 years now we had started the divorce session but nothing was final as of yet. Now he was dating and I was dating..nothing serious because I was running into nothing but empty heads. I was out of the dating game so long I never imagined it was so much bullshit out here and I was not hungry to be in no relationship with no one.. I had enough worrys with keeping my business a float and raising my children.

I had no real time and did not try to make any either to go out as my friends and family wanted me to do. So I started networking and making friends online in different social sites. This seem to be the in thing and you did not have to worry about the Bullshit in clubs and so on just chat and log off. Anyway this guy started sending me messages at a site I was rarely on..I only had it because a lot of family used it and told me it was a good way to promote my buisness.. I would go there from time to time to chat with my out of town family and all and I noticed HIM..now don't get me wrong I got a lot of messages and what nots from all types of men all the time..but this one seemed different..I irgoned him for a while and his messages seem to come like once every other week instead of every week. One night I was bored out my mind and got an alert I had a message I checked it and it was him. I went to his page and thought he seemed nice let me send him a message back not thinking he would send one right back to me. So we started chatting and the conversation would get deep..we seemed to be on the same page about a lot of things including why we BOTH were single..( you will understand why I said BOTH like that later in the story)..we had a lot of things in common and he started to be very interesting to me, I love having conversation with people that have something to say and we talked all night and it became very refreshing to me. So anyway as the days went by I found myself talking to him every moment that I was free.. we exchange messanger ID's and contiuned the friendship to another level over there. I started to become excited to hear from him with each day that came and he seem to be that way with me also...we exchanged numbers and the feelings at that point could go no where but up and more deep at that point.. I had a live voice to the face I was typing to for weeks now, we talked day and night texted while he was at work..while I was at worked..I can't remember a time when we spent at least a hour without saying something to each other in sometype of way. He was exciting to me..something new I never felt so at ease with a man like this before and he was extremely gentle with me too understanding...now coming from a background of abuse this gentleness was welcome and much needed and it took me to another level with him that later you will see I never thought I could go with anyone not even my own love for myself.

We started seeing each other..our first date was amazing to me..I will never forget us meeting at the pool hall and laughed all night..he knew I had no clue of what to do with that pool stick..but I told him I sure know how to look sex with it though..he laughed and agreed..I thought it was so cute how he tried to stay focused on the game without looking at me every second...he was my Big Teddy Bear ( a nickname I called him from that point on). After talking on the phone..online all that time we finally were going to have our first kiss. As the night ended he walked me to my car and we talked some more..I was really at awe with this man he was not my typical type of guy I was use to dating..which to me was a big plus..he was nice..gentle. I gave him a kiss and WOW he had the softest lips in the world. He was not all nasty kissing he was gentle as he was the person he displayed to me all the time before this night. As I drove home..I had faith again in men and this dating thing I had a really good night with him and could not wait for more as he could not wait also.

For the next couple of months we seem to get closer and closer and I could feel myself falling for this guy deeper then I had ever planned and him also..it was like he could not get enough of me and I was right there with him. We only saw each other on the weekend when I did not work or sometimes after his midnight job. But we talked on the phone a whole lot and texted. And by me having my own buisness we could meet all the time during the day when he did not have to go in to work also, we were falling in love and I still remember the day he told me he loved me..I almost fell out my chair but for some odd reason I was excited about it because I loved him right back the same way too. We both explained how crazy our lives were he had children ( Babies Mama's) and a very demanding family that depending on him to be there for him and they always came first no matter what even before his own needs... (so he said)..this turned me on more a man that was turly dedicated to family and strength and love and protection..something I had not gotten from my own father. Even though we were getting closer and our feelings were getting stronger we moved very slow... he had a ugly divorce that he seemed to not be fully over..I felt he was still confused of his feelings for his ex-wife. Which now I know he should of been alone after his divorce and separation and got his head together. But even though I felt he was in love with her still I was still going though my own bullshit with my husband and our divorce. Something he never knew too much about and never asked (which was strange to me as well) I still contiune to see him and moved at his pace (BIG MISTAKE) and I never shared with him what was going on with me because as this story goes on you will see his situation changed for the worst and my problems seem so small at the time..I just dealt with them along with trying to be hero to him. After months of bliss with him..I introduced him to a site that was very dear to me that I did a lot of my blogging on, he was a writer like I and I felt he could really get his stuff out there for people that would really read and give him feed back on it was a much more mature crowd. He started off slow on the site and within time he got the hang of things and OH BOY did he...I started noticing a lot of women on his page..which was no big deal most guys have more women then anything but the thing that caught my eye was how the women was communcating with him like he was talking to them thru back doors and me being a woman and like most woman know that men have no clue of...we have our ways of letting people know oh yeah he is more then just a quick hello friend..you girls know what I am talking about...because I have done it too..saying in our heads " If he got a woman on here or don't they will know everyone on this page will know we are talking and he better not delete my comment or I will know he was lying about being single."

The comments started to become very disrespectful to me and I brought it up to him and instead of him saying Ok baby I will take care of it and your right and putting something out there to let them know I am not single...he got defensive and started saying how he could not control what people say on his page and if he put that he is in a relationship more women will hit him up on the fact that he is faithful...BULLSHIT..you can control you page..delete..ignore..BLOCK Motherfucker..Whew get back on track girl...anyway this is where the troubles began and we could not go anywhere from here but down... down.. down..with each part of this story to come you will soon see he really did not know who he was dealing with and what he let go and he still don't...

(Part 2: Baby I got fired for spending time with you on your Birthday)...to be cont. POSTING TOMORROW

Just Me...

Just some of my inner thoughts and experiences that have made me the person I am today...some may not agree or you may but at the end of the day I really do not give a Damn. I am a thinker my thoughts are always running away and out of me.. So if you bare with me as I share with you a very personal piece that is called ME...

FEEDBACK IS WELCOME BUT NOT NEEDED...I am truly here just for me..if I help someone along the way then so be it...my friends call me Diva