The proudest moment for me would be the day I knew what it meant to be me..to love me..to forgive me...The day I realized how strong I was..and I knew this because of the woman I have become..I could of let me life's experience break me...but I didn't..I went though it and I am still here and stronger than ever...I hope whoever read these blogs over the last 30 days understand this was not healing for me...more like teaching..I went though my healing process a long time ago or I would not of been able to share them with you...Click the slide and watch the key points in my life...my story is not over..not by far...by for now I am happy with what who I am...
HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE...Well since the day has actually just started for me and I am two days late with this blog..LOL I will talk about what I will be doing today...Even though this is a holiday I pretty much will be taking it easy today..I missed church service because one I hate going to church with a crowd on holiday's like this one and second I am still very sore from my workout from yesterday...My personal trainer has been going hard on me lately...After I make a quick run to see my parents and my aunt I will be coming home to start dinner and watching all of the Christian movies that cable television has in store today..taking in a quick game with my baby boy of UNO and finishing DAY 30 of this challenge blog...Later tonight it will be my regular T.V. Line up (Celebrity Apprentice...Walking Dead...Housewives of Atlanta and The Bible..a couple of these shows will be set on DVR to watch at a later time)....Then I will be getting ready for work tomorrow...Michael is off school for spring break so I do not have to worry about getting him ready but will still be washing our clothes for the week...After that to bed I will go to start my week of work and more fun...THE END
I have had so many fights in my life...I honestly can say I do not remember my first fight...I do know I was very..very young when it happen and the only reason I know this is because I started getting kick out of school in my elementary years...I cannot for the life of me pin point my first fight...I could guess it had to be either about me defending one of my sisters or someone trying to bully me...Those were pretty much most of the fights that I got in when I was younger...now when I got older it turned into other things...Sorry I must be getting old because I can't even picture in my head what my first fight even looked like...LOL
Well there are many things a day can be for me...But I will give you just one typical day...I work everyday...all day...For starters I work in a very demanding and forever changing industry...Mortgages...Yes I said it with all of the bad press Banks have been getting for the last five years at least..I try not to share this information about me to much...LOL (I may have to get protection after this blog..LOL So I won't name the bank even though it is in my profile on my page..LOL)...Well first before I even get to work I have to be a mother first...My daughter lives in Chicago at the moment going to school and just trying to be her own person...she called it finding herself..WHATEVER...So that leaves my son..the joy of my everyday...He goes to an alternative institute and I make sure he gets on that bus everyday...He pretty much is a very independent person so I don't have to do too much but reminders...Even with his disabilty we never treated him any different than a normal child...he had responsibilites and was held accountable for his actions...He is considered high function Austim...After I get him off to school I get ready for my very busy day...After work I am now slammed with reviewing files..answering phones and meetings..meetings and more meetings...How much talking and planning can you do...I usually work for about 12 to 13 hours a day...If it is one of my training session days..I try to get off on time to make it to the gym...Once I get home I start dinner..take a shower and grab my laptop to read emails and answer online messages..do some reading or writing and of course check on my crops in Farmville..LOL and most recently try to read some of the challenge blogs until I crash with the T.V. and laptop on my lap...All to start all over again until the weekend...Which those two days do not seem to be much different lately..I am in about three different clubs along with mentoring a little sister and going to church and the gym...Pretty boring but exhausting all the same...Sorry that's all I have for you on this one...PEACE
There was a time in my life I thought I had a best friend..one that would hold my secerts and not judge me...there was a time I thought me and this person in this picture would never be separated from each other...I thought of her as a sister..I called her mother Mama....We were friends since the 8th grade...I even went to stay with her and her family when I was 18 for a short time when they found out I was homeless (that's another story)...You ever make a bond where you say to each other we will never let any man come inbetween our relationship...Well in this case it did...after I met my future husband and kids father this is exactly what happen to our friendship...For the most part I would not say it was all her fault a lot of it was mine too...I should of listened to her when she told me to leave him...but you know how it is when you fall in love...you have to learn the hard way...I guess that is where my daugther gets it from...she is just as hard headed as I was (A true mini me)...Anyway back to this when I did not leave him after a violent incident between me and him that she saw she kinda of kepted her distance..Now a days I don't blame her for it but back then I felt like she was turning her back on me when I really needed a friend the most...Years had pasted and we tried to give our friendship a jump start but she had changed..she turned into a very judgemental and controlling person..For one I am a leader or a lonely or nothing at all and then I found out we both did not have much in common anymore...The last straw was when she took an innocent video I posted on my Facebook page all out of content and started talking about me to other associate we knew...I deleted...blocked her and never looked back....It's been about five years now...I did hear from the grapevine she got married and it lasted only one year and then she moved back to Kansas the state she got her College Degree and she never had any kids...I never even thought about her again until this blog subject came up..Nice Job KIWI..LOL
You see that picture right there..I can't wait until I can just sit back and relax and watch a view like this everyday...the day I will retire from the wonderful world of working in corporate america...BYE BYE ASS HOLES..LOL
I don't have many memorable moments in my childhood and even though my teenage years I did have some exciting moments...Well none I choose to share in this Blog..LOL..I will however rewind some years later in my adult years to when I had my children...I always enjoy anytime I spend with my kids..even to this day with them being young adults now...I do remember the summer we took a road trip to Florida to visit my grandmother (My father's mother)...I was really excited not only was this my kids first trip down there..it was mine...In the 15 years since she moved down there..I never got a chance to go visit her..So I was really excited...The only thing is I went with my aunt and her grown kids and grandkids..WHAT A MESS that was...I ended up having a ball once we actually got down there like 1 1/2 days it took us to get down there..because we had kids and a baby we had to stop at a motel and spend a night and get up early to finish the ride...Going thru Georgia is too long for anyone's behind...I took the kids the Disneyland and Universal Studios...They had a ball...this was my son's first trip any where and surprisingly that kid did good..better than the rest of the kids in the car even with his disability and all..I was so proud of him the most rewarding part of the trip was seeing him getting on the Spiderman and the Hulk rides at Universal Studios...he was the happiest kid alive...I spent so much money on him we had to borrow money on the way back home...LOL The only thing I would change about that trip if we ever go down there again is...NEVER to ride with my aunt or cousins again...Oh BOY what a mess that was...it was too many attitudes in one car and spoiled as hell everybody wanted their way..I have very little patience for BRATS
Boy oh Boy look at that picture there...I have come a long way from that...LOL..There really was nothing exciting about me turning 21 expect the fact I was a brand new mother to the cutest little mini me (She was about 3 months in that picture)...my first born..my daughter Tiffany...It seems I settled or tried to settle into family mode very early...I still do not regret having her..I just wish it was maybe five more years later...She was the most precious thing in my life and the moment I carried her I promised to be the best mother I could forever giving my all to make her life much more then mine had been...I thought about nothing at this time but my child...So no wild parties and since I did not drink or smoke I did not miss out on much anyway...For once I started to be happy with my life and nothing else mattered but me and my baby..Turning 21 was the day I knew I would never be the same ever again...
The first thing that comes to mind with this title is FAMILY REUNION...I always loved our family reunion's on my father's side of the family when I was younger (The summers of the 70's and 80's)...Tradition is each state will take turns in hosting the reunions each year...Each year we would have a family meeting the last day of the reunion on where the next host state will be...Our reunion's last for three days (Friday-Saturday)..like most black families...But I use to love when it was our turn to host...The people in Detroit really knew how to get down and have fun if we don't do anything else in this city....LOL Anyway my grandfather was the head of our family so the reunion when it was in Detroit was always centered around what he wanted us to do...We always had plenty of food...I got to see all of my cousins from near and far...And they always seemed to be much nicer than the cousins I had that actually lived here...Mainly because they did not judge...we were all family poor or not..they did not look down on me and my sisters..they did not talk about our clothes and treated us all the same..we had fun together and not in secret circles...That was the only time of the year I felt I had a real purpose and meaning in that family..I missed those days..I still try to stay close to my family members that live in other states..Especially the ones that live in New York...I love coming out there to visit with them..I always feel like a super star whenever I am around them...One day from one of the family reunion that I remember the most was in the Summer of 86...We are a very talented and entertaining family..very musical...but this was the first year everyone got to see me and my sisters true talent...We had a talent show the night of the family dinner and me and my sister got up there and sang a Clark Sister song acappella....hitting notes in five part harmonies...Everyone was amazed even the family members that lived here...They tried to convince my father to do something with our talent..but my father tried to be a performer himself..even got an offer from Berry Gordy himself..but Berry wanted him to leave his group and my father was loyal back then and refused...I think he still regrets that to this day but he did not want the same faith for his girls (Like the Braxtons did)..to have to choose and separate us..After that every reunion the request was for the Allman Sisters to sing...Even though now a days me and my sisters do not sing as much together anymore..I will always cherish the memories we had when we did..Especially that one special day when we showed our family that we had arrived...Take notice
My first and last love...Well let's see we met my first year at a Community College..I was 18 and he was 19..he was in my math class..I did not pay attention to him much...but it seem he was watching me and even following me...I kinda of blocked a lot of folks out at this time in my life because I truly was not where I wanted to be...I was totally bummed out at the fact that I had to settle for Community College over the University I really wanted to go too...(but that is another story..told in my high school year blog)...So all I wanted to do was get though this year...I tried to keep to myself but for some reason every where I turned it was always someone trying to talk to me..sit with me in the study hall and it was always some knuckle headed boy...Well any way this one day I forgot my math book and I tearing up my bag in class trying to find it...As I was getting up to leave the class...the boy that was watching me all of this time grabbed my hand and said don't leave you can share with me...Can we say lifesaver because we had a final exam coming up and I could not miss that class..not on that day..After class I thanked him and proceeded to leave school for the day...I did not have a car back then..I took the bus every where..As I was standing at the bus stop waiting on my bus here comes this black Ford Escort pulling up and it was HIM again..I am thinking at this point What the Hell does he want now!!..I mean he was cute but cute was not amusing to me at that point of my life..I had cute before..Cute play not so cute games...He ask if I needed a ride and I said No I got it..he pulled off..HOW RUDE...he did not even try to convince me more...ASS HOLE...A week pasted by..things were kinda of quiet in the class...this one day it was raining hard outside...I HATED days like this when I had to go stand at the bus stop...I am standing out there getting drenched...the umbrella I had was full of shit that day..flipping all up and down...Just as I was about to win the fight with the umbrella guess who pulls up HIM...He started laughing and said come on get in I will take you home...At this point I did not care if Jack the Ripper was in that car I was getting in and I did...He grabbed a towel from his back seat and went to wipe my face...I looked at him like I can do it Thank you..I was such a hard head back then (thinking back)...he started up a conversation we talked about a lot in that 20 minutes...As he pulled up to my house he asked I would love to see you again not just in math class..I have been wanting to ask you this for a long time but I thought you had someone because you were so distance..I was like what am I suppose to be falling all over every cute guy I see and stares at me..He was like no when you said you did not want a ride the other day I thought it was because you had a boyfriend..I told him never assume especially when it comes to me..just ask..he said noted..We exchanged numbers and from that day on we were inseparable ..We talked so much on the phone we fell asleep...He took me everywhere with him and of course I never had to catch the bus again..he taught me how to drive and even bought me my first car...He bought me Roses almost every time we saw each other..he was my first real experience to a romantic date..The first place we moved in together with was his first...He knew of my past and he still wanted to be with me...Speeding up the story a bit like years later (It's a lot to our story believe me)...My first love was my first everything...We ended up getting married..had two kids together and bought our first house together ..I will always cherish my memories with him and the friendship we shared and the gift of life we gave each other...We fought a lot..cried a lot..loved a lot and to this day I can say he is still the only man besides my father I truly trust with my life...We will always have a connection no matter where we are and who we are with...We did more than just love..we grew and learned..But I get this feeling with Grand kids in our future the journey is not over yet...
BOOM!!!...The picture says it all...This day right here THURSDAY always brings me some relief...Don't ask because I really don't know..maybe because it brings me closer to the end of a long hard busy week...I know after this day comes my next favorite day...THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!!...The End
This is a very interesting topic...What makes it so interesting is I don't have anything to say...no real memory comes to mind because I been on my own since I was 17 years old...At what point do you say this is my real adult job...because I have had so many jobs...they all were adult jobs to me..I had to survive..LOL Now if we talk about dream jobs...I can pinpoint that one..LOL..So yeah Kiwi this one is for you...**
I have been told I made a difference in someone's life more than a couple of times...and I continue to do more with each breath I take..but the one day that stood out for me was the day I decided to make a difference or try to at least...The day I went back to where the journey started for me..Vista Maria School and Girls Home...When I graduated from High school I never thought I would step back on that campus again...I was in community college in the middle of my second year when I ran into one of my old Social Worker...She was an ad visor at my school...We talked and caught up..she mention how proud she was of me for continuing my education ..She told me about a mentor program at Vista Maria and how she was still involved in it...They were having a scholarship banquet and she asked me how did I feel about being one of the guest speakers..She thought I could be the positive the girls needed...the HOPE she called it...LOL Funny I never thought of myself as hope for anyone..I needed it myself...But I agreed to do it...Did not know what I was going to say but I knew I would think of something...LOL I thought about writing the same old speech type thing...but at the last hour I decided to just be me...I started with my background and left very little details of the pain...by the time I finished there wasn't a dry eye in the room including mines...these girls needed to hear something from someone that was just like them and that was me...After I was done most of the girls rushed me with questions...me being on my own and still struggling intrigued them...We got so caught up in talking they did not want me to leave...They treated me like a star...I enjoyed that feeling so much I knew that I would from that day forward try to make a difference in some girls life always...I left that campus with such an overwhelming feeling...it turns out the difference I was to make in them turned out to be the difference they made in me...
They say when the moon fades away and the sun rise...this is when you will experience sunshine..Well not for me..I have my own sunshine and he is with my all the time...Just to think he almost did not make it...My second born child..my angel..my precious boy....The moment I started carrying him I knew he would be a special child and it was confirmed once he was born...Once he was born...let's talk about that for a minute...I was about five and a half months pregnant and I just got back from my honeymoon and there was this first class envelope in my mailbox...When I opened it was from my doctor's office..I instantly became terrified and started cramping..I opened it fast and it said the doctor needed to see me in his office ASAP....I immediately called to make an appointment the next day...We got to the doctor's office and he told me that my blood test came back with some abnormal cells..something about more white than red or extra chromosome or something like that...I was like at this point get to it Damn-it ..My Husband ask what does this mean?...The doctor said your baby looks like he may have Down Syndrome ..I was like WHAT...and this idiot immediately says if that is the case we can't have it...I looked at him like who's body is this...I don't think we are having anything..it's me..my body..He was like if we have a baby with problems it will cost a lot of money to take care of it..I told him and the doctor at the same time so I wouldn't have to repeat myself..I am having this baby..with or without you ..and then I looked at the doctor and said you just need to tell me what I need to do...The doctor said it has not even been confirmed this is what it is..we have to do more test...I needed an amniocentesis, which involves inserting a needle into a pregnant woman's belly to sample cells from the fluid bathing her fetus...Let's get started..I didn't even think about the pain of a needle in my stomach..I was too worried about my child...They had to do an ultrasound first to see where the fetus was and in seeing that not only did we find out it was a boy...we also fond out my placenta had separated from him and was on the side of my tummy...the did the test..and a week later the results came in and it came back good..no signs of down syndrome..GOOD..BUT!!..the placenta was an issue..he wanted to keep watching it during the rest of my pregnancy .he said sometimes it moves back in place...a couple of months later and three more ultra sounds the placenta did not move back in place it moved further over my uterus and once it was totally over my uterus he placed me on bed rest...Now mind you I had a three year old at home with me also...There is NO WAY I could stay off my feet...and I didn't and I started bleeding every where..Good thing their father was home when major clots were coming out of me...He called the ambulance and they got me to the hospital just in time...It seem little man man was ready to come out...and he was breached (Feet first)...But he was not fully developed...the doctor said we have to try and keep him in you as long as possible..I had to stay in the hospital for 4 weeks..each week they did an amniocentesis to check his lung...They made me stay in that hospital until I was exactly nine months and because of the placenta and him coming out feet first I had to get a c-section...The day came when my baby boy was about to be born..I was excited but scared...this pregnancy was something different then my first child..it felt different...everything..I was scared but also happy...It wasn't until he was about to start pre-school that I found out how special he really is
Besides my high school graduation this was not only the most exciting day but the most important day of my life...This is where the old me flew out my body as the new me flew in...From this point on I would never be the same again...My child hood woes were behind me (not forgotten just placed a side) and it was time to move forward...I just received my College Degree and at this point...I felt like I could take on the world...It was a long journey but I did it...Even though it took me years to finish the point is I did...My children was my biggest inspiration to getting it done..Something about being a mother made me want to be more..do more..I needed to set a better example for them then what was set for me...I needed to make their lives much better than mine and the only way to do that was starting with getting my degree...My children was with me as I walked across the auditorium stage and they watched their mother get her College Degree..That was the most exciting but fulfilling moment in my life..I knew from that point on nothing was going to ever hold me back again...
In a nut shell...I can deal with just about anything that lifes throws at me but a day I am not looking forward too is the day I will lose my parents (and my children of course)...the older they get I beleive me and my sisters get more and more paranoid because their health especially my father is not the best at times...This is a picture of them at their 40th wedding anniversary party that me and my sisters gave them...They have been though a lot to keep their marriage and family together and I did not truly understand it until I became a wife and mother myself...it is very hard to stay in a relationship now a days for 2 years but 40!! (actually 43 years this picture is 3 years old)...and to raise six girls (and we all graduated from high school and five of us have our college degrees..never been in jail or on drugs) they raised us with a strong hand even when we did not understand it and hated them for it...they stuck together and stuck to their guns when it came to raising us...PRAISE GOD...A lot of people saw the worst in my parents when they were at their worst..but they showed them all and have been married longer then the ones that said they would not make it..I love my parents dearly and I am not looking forward to the day when I may lose them from this earth...
No matter what my world was like all year around..I did love the holidays...This was the time when everyone put their differences a side and tried to act like a decent family and enjoy each others company...It maybe hard to beleive from my previous posts but I LOVED my Christmas days during my childhood...We were poor...but my parents always found a way to make me and my sisters Christmas a wonderful day..We did not get as much as my cousins did..but it did not matter because on this day we got more than we had the whole year round...I remember this one Christmas day..I had to be about nine years old and I LOVED Wonder Woman...now mind you my mother was a bit prejudice..LOL...Well maybe a lot (I guess that is where I get my Angela Davis moments from) she never...I mean NEVER bought me and my sisters any white dolls..she had always told us we are not white and a white doll will never come in this house..not bought by me...So my dreams of playing with Wonder Woman and Cher (from Sonny and Cher) was about to be killed..because I am a kid I don't care about color at that age...I just wanted to have fun..The past two years I always put Wonder Woman on my list and for two years I got everything BUT Wonder Woman...This year I did not put her on the list..I put a Easy bake Oven and some other stuff (Can't remember)...My Daddy asked me why I did not put Wonder Woman down and I said because she is White and Mama won't let me have a white doll in this house...He started laughing and said put her down anyway..Santa Clause don't have a color he loves everyone no matter what color they are (My father always seem to act like a real Daddy at this time of year...almost like he was reliving his childhood though us)...So I wrote her down knowing damn well I was not going to get it AGAIN...The morning of Christmas like clock work at 6:00 a.m. me and my sisters ran downstairs..no brushing teeth..no washing faces...Who has time for those details...We ran downstairs..and we had so many gifts under the tree it looked like Toys R Us...Mind you my parents had six kids...LOL We all got five toys a piece..our usually new clothes and stockings full of candy and those big ass WALNUTS that nobody ever ate...I went to ripping and stepping on everything..I don't know what I was looking for but I kept looking...my sisters were busy eating candy out of their stockings....BUT I was on a mission...and then hiding under my bike which I did not notice at first..there it was a tall box wrapped really nice I might add...LOL..It had my name on it and it said To: Tracey From: Santa Ho Ho Ho...I was grinning like a Kool Aid Pitcher Commerical..I ripped it open and guess who it was....YEP!!!...
You guessed it...WONDER WOMAN **singing her theme music** And it had her weapon belt..her golden crown and gold wrist bands for me to wear to match my doll as well...My Daddy came down stairs and was like "What a mess"...after he inspected everyone stuff he looked at me and said I guess Santa Clause broke down the color barrier in this house this year just for you...I was in another world...I wore that Wonder Woman outfit all day long and tried to sleep in it to....It took my years to realize my daddy got me that doll and convinced my mother to let me keep it...Even though we had some bad moments...it is memory's like this that makes me love that man even more...When my daddy was at his best he was the greatest
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE...LOL
ENJOY THIS SHORT CLIP FROM MY FAVORITE CHILDHOOD SHOW..
There are many days I would love to do over...but I know I can only post one in this blog or we will be here for a couple of days..LOL Anyway the day that stands out the most for me would be my wedding day...If I knew what I know now...that event would of never happen...I should of hit the stage door left when the music started playing...I remember my father as we prepare to walk down the aisle saying to me.."Are you sure...are you ready...look at his family"...I look on his side of the church and only about six of his family members showed up...The rest of the church was my family...Lets go back a bit..we had dated for a year and a half before we moved in together and had a beautiful little girl...We were so young and so not ready for any of that...The pressure from our families especially after we had our daughter ..but we are exactly the meaning of you should never get married because of a child...Anyway his proposal was weak as hell and I should of known then also...HIM: We might as well get married..you want to get married..ME: Yeah..of course...No ring...no down on one knee...no surprise.. no rose petals.. no surprise annoucement in front of family and friends...we were sitting on the couch one night watching T.V...Now fast forward to the wedding day..it was on the hottest day of the summer...I was five months pregnant..my three year old would not stop crying and his best man did not show up so my uncle had to act as his best man and groomsmen....All SIGNS...The only one that truly wanted that wedding was my mother...this was her dream...all I did was wear the dress..she planned the whole thing even to the colors of the wedding...And then she threaten me saying I better stay married for at least five years...so she can get her money's worth..LOL...I am not going to go into details of my marriage just know that my lesson in all of this is..don't be so caught up in a moment that you rush into something that should never be..Don't settle...Be patience and wait for the prize...I deserve to have someone that will treat me like the gem I am...it all started with that whack ass proposal (The next time he will be that story tale or he will stay in the book)...But I did get two beautiful children out of the deal...So that is my day...The End
What do I dream about..I dream about you...so many nights alone with nothing to do..but sit and dream about you..I dream of the life I would have...if only you walk though my door and give me a chance...
What do I dream about...your presence is taking over my mind...if only you knew how thoughts of you take over my time...What do I dream about..I dream of a love that will come true...I tried many times and to my despair none of them ever worked because they were not you..What do I dream about..the day when it will come...When I will be lead straight to your kingdom..What do I dream about..I dream of White wings...White Doves and Harps with golden strings...I dream of you and if you are really true..I know that you are because my faith stretches past the stars...I constantly dream of the day we will meet...I dream of you often and without any despair ..One day this won't just be a dream and you will be waiting for me with open arms...on top of those golden stairs and doors trimmed in golden bars...Heaven...This what I live for...
DAMN!!!...Remind me to PINCH the person that came up with these blog topics for this challenge..LOL..I have many days I rather forget...but I am only going to tell you about one...Well if I have to pick one...There is one that sticks out the most..Brace yourself...my past was not pleasant at all...it is actually Lifetime movie worthy...Well by now from my previous blogs you all know I had a very dramatic past...Please don't read these blogs and feel sorry for me...that little girl was cracked..but not broken...that is why I am the woman I am today.... OK quit stalling Tracey...here we go...I was 14 years old and in my second foster home..I had become very close to the family...I was calling my foster mother Grand Ma and her grand kids that also stayed there my brother and sister...And then there was the Granddaddy...I could not bring myself to call him that...so for a whole year I would speak to him in passing and would not call him by any name....from a past experience I had become very cautious when it came to old men...I was a bad child...I got into all kinds of fights and was not doing well in the grades department either...I had a lot of anger in me and did not have a proper outlet..Shit kept happening to me and it seems it was all my fault...My real family thought I was the cause of all of the abuse that happen to me...(WHAT THE HELL KIND OF THING TO SAY TO A CHILD)...Any way I got kicked out of school for fighting again...my foster mother was at her wits end with me (this was at a time when foster parents were allowed to whoop the foster kids) so she said I am going to let Granddaddy handle you...of course I knew that meant I was going to get it with the belt...the whole day past he came home from work and did not say a word to me...nothing all night..I went to bed and I was thinking the coast is clear he is not going to touch me...To my surprise I was awaking early in the morning with a belt hitting my covers...I looked up and there he was standing over me telling me to get up...I did not move so he yanked the covers off me and started tearing my ass up..I jumped out of the bed and mind you I had on a gown with nothing under it...As I fell on the floor and my gown went up..he suddenly stopped and said go put your clothes on and then went back downstairs...I was so embarrassed and confused..I just crawled back in the bed all day...Days went by and no one said a word to me..I tried to avoid everyone...I was laying on the family room floor watching T.V. and he walked in..he stared at me and then went to sit in his chair...I went to get up and get out of his way and he said Stay there...I sat up but did not move he said you can lay back down like you were...I said I rather sit up...he kept staring at me..I was very uncomfortable...he looked at me and as I caught his eye he said I did not know you were so developed down there...I looked at him like down where...he said you are too big to get spank..I will never do that again..I am like OK..did not make me any difference been getting whooped all of my life...That was the end of that conversation..but as the days pasted he started coming upstairs to my room to see how I was doing and started taking me places with him and no one else..He would tell my foster mother I have work for her to do..we will be back...I was happy to help him because my foster sister told me he pays well...We would go clean buildings..this one day I was cleaning a building with him and he came in the office I was in and closed the door...I did not pay any attention I just kept working...He came over to me and wrapped his arms around me and started kissing my neck..I froze...(What do I do...What is he doing)...He kept kissing me and whispering in me ear..Don't Move..I want to show you what you do to me...I started shaking and he said don't be scared I Love you...I have been wanting to do this every since I saw your sweet pussy...I was scared..I started crying...he would not stop...I started scratching him...he would not stop...I was like please don't he would not stop...so I just stood there...once he saw I was calm he laid me down on the floor and started taking off my pants and then my underwear and then he did something to me that I never knew could be done...he started eating my pussy...he was sucking and licking and grabbing my ass tight..he kept moaning and I was crying...I could not stop crying...I was grabbing for something but it was not there..he thought I was enjoying it and it made him even more excited..he took off his pants very fast and said "I want you so bad I am going to bust"...He started talking to me telling me how it will feel..I became numb and I zoned out..I don't remember all of what he said to me because I was in another world...he entered me slowly and then all of the way and I SCREAMED...he started moving and covering my mouth telling me that if we got caught I was going to a girls home and be locked up for a very long time...I stopped screaming and just took it..it seem like it lasted a long time..he keep telling me how tight I was...He finally came and rolled off me..I could not move but knew I had too...he said hurry put your clothes back on I am going to take you to get something to eat....I was bleeding and wanted to go home...As days and even weeks past I became like a zombie...he started leaving little gifts under my covers...Was I losing it..What has happen to me...this man raped me and he keeps buying me gifts like I am his girlfriend...Every chance he got he would corner me in the basement or in the family room having sex with me making me suck his dick..I don't know what was wrong with me...I don't know why I did not tell..I just went with it...Then one day I got really sick and stayed sick for days...after a week of me throwing up my foster mother took me to the doctor and what he told her I thought she was going to have a heart attack right there in the room...The drive home was nothing but silence...we got to the drive way and before I got out the car she said stop...I want to know what the hell is wrong with you...Why did you do this...How can you go and get yourself PREGNANT !!..She was screaming and yelling at me calling me a dumb ass girl...I just yelled out it was your husband...she stopped and said WHAT...I said he has been having sex with me for months and told me if I said anything I was going to be locked up in a group home...She told me to get out the car and go to my room...I don't know what happen after that..I stayed in my room until she came upstairs and closed the door and said we cannot tell anyone about this...I am going to handle this and then she left...Two days past I was back in a different doctors office..but there was something different about this office...They put me in a room and told me to under dress and put my legs in the stir up...a nurse came in and gave me a shot..I started feeling dizzy but numb...All I remember was a doctor in between my legs and a humming noise...After I woke up in the recovery room..I ask the girl next to me what just happen to me...and she said you just had an Abortion...Age 14 will never be the same again...
Well the internet has been out for a very long time... believe it or not before most of us were born..LOL If I remember my history correctly it was 1950...But I won't get off into all of that...I first started discovering the world of the internet the moment this free CD came in the mail...I don't remember the exact date it had to be somewhere in the late 90's...It sure has come a long way from the AOL "You got Mail" voice and the messenger and the annoying ass slow dial up system...The internet has become a way of life for many...A lot of business would not survive without it and some did not survive because of it...The same with relationships...this thing called the internet will one day be the death of us all...LOL
Like I said in my previous post of my high school days...I knew the moment I read that Emmitt Till story and started researching in the library I wanted to do something that dealt with writing..researching and making a difference..A Reporter..I got off to a great start..applying for different colleges...But of course my very real reality slap me dead in my face again...Well me being promoted out of the eleventh grade straight to the twelfth grade was a day and a dollar short of me being able to get the scholarships I needed to fiance going away to college...I had to end up going to a local community college...Life kinda of hit me hard because I was on my own at a very early age..so school a lot of times took a back burner to me working so I can survive...I eventually finished college..even got my master degree in Business..but by the time I finished I was already in the Mortgage industry and got so good at it..I am now one of the top Sr. Underwriters at a major bank..BUT my dreams of being a writer never went away...I still hope to fulfill my dream with writing my poems and short stories..and even Blogs like this..I don't get along with never and I have not met can't yet...So STAY TUNED...
There is no insert for that position and there never was one...I never had a FIRST BEST friend...I had friends...associates..even a couple of close ones...but a BEST...no one was better to fill that position but ME... Every time I thought I had a BEST...reality pulled me back in and said nope get your ass back here...it's just me..myself and I...I have always been a loner believe it or not...Females hated me growing up...I mean seriously...Boys wanted to get in my pants...Which in return made the females hate me even more..LOL...Actually made better friends with my male counterpart then I did with any female...I am a very cool person..but I don't take no shit and I am a blunt person also...A bad habit of mines...Which I try not to control too much...I figure there is not too much anyone can do or say to me that has not been done or tried..so why hold back..if I have an opinion or a view on something I voice it period..I don't try to be on someone's side...I don't try to go for how many likes I can get...it is what it is..either you like me or you don't...there is no middle...If I agree I will say it...if I don't the same applies..I NEVER was afraid of a fight..physical or verbal...and I never will be...One reason why school never worked for me was I never was the type to join clubs...and be in clicks..I hated the pretty girls club...and would not be seen in the ugly too live crew...then there was the geeks...They annoyed me..so I stayed to myself..I had a few people I socialized with here and there...and I am fine with that..My younger years I went thru too much pain and my trust level was at a zero..The best kept secrets are the ones that are told..but if you don't have anyone to tell it to..Guess what no one will ever know...
The Summer of 1985 I was 14 years old and my foster mother signed me up for a job with the Public School systems Summer Youth Program...I was so GEEKED...My foster sister who was two years older than me had been in the program for two summers already and she told me how easy it was and the best part you get a paycheck for it...I remember my first day at work...they had assigned me to Kettering High School..My job was to cut off all of the locks on the lockers from students that did not remove them on the last day of school and throw anything in the lockers out..I found all kinds of stuff in those lockers...some nice Trapper Keepers (remember those)...Book Bags..clothes..shoes..all kinds of stuff...Those kids lived in their lockers...LOL...But the best part of working there was the football team...The coach had training camp during the summer for the teams and that is where I meet HIM..he was 6'2 and all muscles..He was such a HUNK...OMG!!...One day I was in the weight room straighten up and HE was there lifting weights...and he stopped and just stared at me...He made me so uncomfortable staring at me like that...I was trying my best to get out of there quick...and was not watching what I was doing and I tripped over one of the weight benches and fell smack dead on my face...I just laid there and then I felt HIM...he picked me off the floor and ask was I OK (All while he was laughing at me of course)..I looked at him in those beautiful eyes and said PUT ME DOWN!!...So he dropped me..LOL (Ass Hole)...He said what is your name and me a stupid ass told him..he was like DAMN you got a bad ass body..You working here for the summer?...(ME: Yeah) and we exchange numbers...I could not wait to get to work to see him..I would sneak off when the crew team leader was not around and go meet with him in the weight room where we made out...We would have lunch on the field and make out...sneak behind the school..made out..we made out every chance we got...Come to think of it that is all we did..LOL Anyway I thought this boy was everything I forgot my whole purpose of being there was too make some money...The program only lasted for 20 weeks..so on the 18th week I went to ask him if he still wanted to keep in touch after my program was done and I also had a card for him with a love note in it..So like clock work I left and went to find him..he was not in the weight room..he was not on the field..he was not in the locker room...So I waited for him outside in front of the school..and guess who I see walking down the street walking hand in hand with another girl...HIM!!!..I walked up to him and he had the nerve to say What's up Tracey..this is my girl Angie..I said WHAT!!..He was like yeah..like it was no big deal..is he out of his mind...I looked at him and said you should of told me you had a GIRL before you put your hand on my PUSSY and I walked away...after that day I did not want to go back to work...Matter of fact I never worked in that program again...He was such a Fucktard...But the very next month when school started I was back in awe of another guy..LOL and forgot all about the Hazel Eye Monster
The day I first fell in love...The Picture above describe the feeling...Click the music below and this was how it happen..Just like this..The Night...
And the result of this first and only love was two beautiful children...
The first thing that comes to mind when I think of my High School years is...SENIOR YEAR!!...This was the best year I ever had in school since the first grade...I blocked out a lot of my years in school..Maybe it's a Post Traumatic thing or maybe it is just a choice..Whatever it is I only think of my Senior year..I only talk about my Senior year...I only glance at picture of my Senior Year...The years before this year was HELL for me I learned a lot about myself and the strength I had within me to survive...I had been to a couple of fosters homes and even went back to try and live with my parents again for a couple of years...But the time away from them was more damaging then I thought for us all..I could not let go of the painful past and my father could not let go of fact that I ever ran away from home in the first place..We did not get along at all..We fought all the time..I hated him and he never said he was sorry for what he put me and our family though..even though he got off drugs and was trying hard to stay clean and working again..I could not let go...So the end of my ninth grade and tenth grade year I got in so much trouble it is a wonder I am not in jail or dead...My parents knew the only way to save me was to send me away again...so with that being said I was put in a Girls Alternative/Catholic School called Vista Maria and there I stayed for one and a half years...Since my first two years of school I basically failed in every subject accept History and Music...So they wanted to keep me in the tenth grade...But one of the Nun's saw something in me and she tested me..and to everyone's surprise I passed all of the test with flying colors...The test turned out to be college level lessons..I got all A's in them... Ms. Greenberg (my Angel Nun) took my scores to the head mistress and they all decide to promote me straight pass the eleventh grade straight into the 12th grade..HOT DAMN!!...Who knew...When they told me the news I was in a state of shocked because I really tried my hardest to not pass those Damn tests on purpose and it did not work..The Nun said to me God has another plan for you and it is time you start living by what he wants for your life...She said I love you..God loves you and we will never turn our back on you regardless how you try to sabotage it ..You have had a hard life in your short life...but now it is the time to turn that around...She said I scored the highest on my writing test and she had something for me..She laid on my bed a book.."The story of Emmett Till"..I looked at her like she was crazy..I passed my tests with all A's and you give me a Damn book with this horrible picture of a dead boy on it..She then said this book will change you..I want you to read it and then report back to me when your done...Once she left my room I looked at that book and threw it in my closet..This Bitch is crazy out of her mind I thought..A couple of days passed by and she did not mention the book and me either...I even forgot about that book..Until a week later it appeared on my bed again..I got really pissed and screamed in the hall way STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!!..I threw the book back in the closet and slammed the door...That night I had the weirdest dream..I dreamed I was in a bedroom and that boy walked in my room with that Nun and they were just staring at me..Now this freaked me out so bad I ran out of my room and slept with my best friend for a week..I made her go in my room to get my clothes everyday..I finally told the Nun about my dream and she told me your guilt is getting to you..Read the book...I went back to me room and there was that book lying right where I left it in the closet..I started looking at the pictures first and the images of his decomposed body made me want to know what happen to him..Once I started reading that book..I could not put it down..I wanted to know so much more..so I stayed in the library on weekends trying to find more books on him and his mother...The research amazed me so much I was obsessed with wanting to know more...Once the Nun asked me about how the book was coming..I told her I am done and I want to read more on this subject of lynchings..Civil Rights..Black History..My History..All History...She took me to the main library downtown where I almost lost my mind...The old newspapers..The old files..the books..as we drove back to the dorm...she asked me what did you get out of this..I said I want to be more then what I am..I want to graduate and go to college..I want to learn more...know more..I asked her why did she pick that book for me to read and she said I knew you would be intrigued with his story..You seem to be very interested in History and I knew his story would wake you up...That woman still was weird to me..but I felt a connection with her...no one could reach me like she could with her weird tactics...I graduated that year with honors and as I left the Girls Home and School Campus for the last time..I knew that would not be my last time seeing that place again..And it wasn't I went back 10 years later as a mentor for the girls with a troubled past..The Nun that help me out of my shell and anger had passed away..But her spirit was with me the day I walked back on that Campus..it was like she embraced me as I walked though the gates and she was saying Welcome Home my dear I see you found your destiny..My life was never the same at that point..I proceeded to kill the old me and reinvent a new and it all started the year of 1987...But my journey to finding me was not quite there yet..but this was a start
It seems my elementary years was just the start of my BULLSHIT...being hungry and poor was nothing compared to the years that awaited me past the six grade...My first year in middle school..the middle..the middle..this was the year I finally got up enough nerve to leave my abusive environment and try and find me a better life so I ran away from home leaving behind the hurt..only to find more...I found something alright and it's name was not BETTER..The Middle is where my body started going though changes and I was not the only one that notice...it was not boys my own age..more like men..grown ass men old enough to be my grandfather (To this day I stll feel very uncomfortable around men over the age of 55 but at least I don't get nausea anymore)...From this point on I would never understand for a very long time why those things happen to me...All I know is the middle was the beginning of a whirlwind of BULLSHIT...And then came High School
I don't have a first memory..I pretty much blocked a lot out of these years...Probably because this was the start of me waking up to a nightmare...The picture above is of me in the second grade and a class pic of one of my many schools...this is when I realized my family was really poor and the clothes I wore were not my own..but hand me downs from cousins that never let us forget where we got them and that we did not have anything...The meals I had at school were my first and second meals only some days...My mother worked two jobs and did not have time to do our hair every day so we wore braids all of the time..My father started using drugs hard and was unemployed...I did not have friends because we moved to a new house like every year...and the schools we did stay in I had to fight just about everybody in the school protecting my younger siblings from bullies and people teasing them because of their hair not being done or holes in our shoes or clothes..So yeah my elementary years was nothing I choose to try to remember...I only had one moment when I was in the fourth grade when I entered the talent show and my parents were so happy to find out I was the headliner of the show my mother bought me a new dress..shoes and got my hair done (YAY out of the braids for a minute)and that's when just for a quick moment everybody can see I had talent..I could sing and I was good..I had so many kids trying to be my friend after that...even started a little group on the playground..and then just when everything started to feel better at that school...we MOVED...
This was one of the best memories for me as a child...I was three years old in this picture and that is my daddy looking like Superfly..LOL Me (Can you guess which one I am) and my cousin (My road dog back in the day) was his background theme music singers...LOL This was Easter Sunday over my grandmother' house on our way to church..Can you imagine my Daddy walking into church looking like "Bitch better have my money"...LOL...I love my Daddy more than anything at this moment...I was his little girl..Daddy's girl (before 5 other sisters came)right here this man was my whole world and he could sing too..sounded just like the lead singer of the Spinners...These were very good times for my family at this time and I will always cherish them like sunshine...before the Storm came in...
