SOMETHING I OFTEN DAYDREAM ABOUT..DAY 11

What do I dream about..I dream about you...so many nights alone with nothing to do..but sit and dream about you..I dream of the life I would have...if only you walk though my door and give me a chance...

What do I dream about...your presence is taking over my mind...if only you knew how thoughts of you take over my time...What do I dream about..I dream of a love that will come true...I tried many times and to my despair none of them ever worked because they were not you..What do I dream about..the day when it will come...When I will be lead straight to your kingdom..What do I dream about..I dream of White wings...White Doves and Harps with golden strings...I dream of you and if you are really true..I know that you are because my faith stretches past the stars...I constantly dream of the day we will meet...I dream of you often and without any despair ..One day this won't just be a dream and you will be waiting for me with open arms...on top of those golden stairs and doors trimmed in golden bars...Heaven...This what I live for...

A DAY I RATHER FORGET...DAY TEN

DAMN!!!...Remind me to PINCH the person that came up with these blog topics for this challenge..LOL..I have many days I rather forget...but I am only going to tell you about one...Well if I have to pick one...There is one that sticks out the most..Brace yourself...my past was not pleasant at all...it is actually Lifetime movie worthy...Well by now from my previous blogs you all know I had a very dramatic past...Please don't read these blogs and feel sorry for me...that little girl was cracked..but not broken...that is why I am the woman I am today.... OK quit stalling Tracey...here we go...I was 14 years old and in my second foster home..I had become very close to the family...I was calling my foster mother Grand Ma and her grand kids that also stayed there my brother and sister...And then there was the Granddaddy...I could not bring myself to call him that...so for a whole year I would speak to him in passing and would not call him by any name....from a past experience I had become very cautious when it came to old men...I was a bad child...I got into all kinds of fights and was not doing well in the grades department either...I had a lot of anger in me and did not have a proper outlet..Shit kept happening to me and it seems it was all my fault...My real family thought I was the cause of all of the abuse that happen to me...(WHAT THE HELL KIND OF THING TO SAY TO A CHILD)...Any way I got kicked out of school for fighting again...my foster mother was at her wits end with me (this was at a time when foster parents were allowed to whoop the foster kids) so she said I am going to let Granddaddy handle you...of course I knew that meant I was going to get it with the belt...the whole day past he came home from work and did not say a word to me...nothing all night..I went to bed and I was thinking the coast is clear he is not going to touch me...To my surprise I was awaking early in the morning with a belt hitting my covers...I looked up and there he was standing over me telling me to get up...I did not move so he yanked the covers off me and started tearing my ass up..I jumped out of the bed and mind you I had on a gown with nothing under it...As I fell on the floor and my gown went up..he suddenly stopped and said go put your clothes on and then went back downstairs...I was so embarrassed and confused..I just crawled back in the bed all day...Days went by and no one said a word to me..I tried to avoid everyone...I was laying on the family room floor watching T.V. and he walked in..he stared at me and then went to sit in his chair...I went to get up and get out of his way and he said Stay there...I sat up but did not move he said you can lay back down like you were...I said I rather sit up...he kept staring at me..I was very uncomfortable...he looked at me and as I caught his eye he said I did not know you were so developed down there...I looked at him like down where...he said you are too big to get spank..I will never do that again..I am like OK..did not make me any difference been getting whooped all of my life...That was the end of that conversation..but as the days pasted he started coming upstairs to my room to see how I was doing and started taking me places with him and no one else..He would tell my foster mother I have work for her to do..we will be back...I was happy to help him because my foster sister told me he pays well...We would go clean buildings..this one day I was cleaning a building with him and he came in the office I was in and closed the door...I did not pay any attention I just kept working...He came over to me and wrapped his arms around me and started kissing my neck..I froze...(What do I do...What is he doing)...He kept kissing me and whispering in me ear..Don't Move..I want to show you what you do to me...I started shaking and he said don't be scared I Love you...I have been wanting to do this every since I saw your sweet pussy...I was scared..I started crying...he would not stop...I started scratching him...he would not stop...I was like please don't he would not stop...so I just stood there...once he saw I was calm he laid me down on the floor and started taking off my pants and then my underwear and then he did something to me that I never knew could be done...he started eating my pussy...he was sucking and licking and grabbing my ass tight..he kept moaning and I was crying...I could not stop crying...I was grabbing for something but it was not there..he thought I was enjoying it and it made him even more excited..he took off his pants very fast and said "I want you so bad I am going to bust"...He started talking to me telling me how it will feel..I became numb and I zoned out..I don't remember all of what he said to me because I was in another world...he entered me slowly and then all of the way and I SCREAMED...he started moving and covering my mouth telling me that if we got caught I was going to a girls home and be locked up for a very long time...I stopped screaming and just took it..it seem like it lasted a long time..he keep telling me how tight I was...He finally came and rolled off me..I could not move but knew I had too...he said hurry put your clothes back on I am going to take you to get something to eat....I was bleeding and wanted to go home...As days and even weeks past I became like a zombie...he started leaving little gifts under my covers...Was I losing it..What has happen to me...this man raped me and he keeps buying me gifts like I am his girlfriend...Every chance he got he would corner me in the basement or in the family room having sex with me making me suck his dick..I don't know what was wrong with me...I don't know why I did not tell..I just went with it...Then one day I got really sick and stayed sick for days...after a week of me throwing up my foster mother took me to the doctor and what he told her I thought she was going to have a heart attack right there in the room...The drive home was nothing but silence...we got to the drive way and before I got out the car she said stop...I want to know what the hell is wrong with you...Why did you do this...How can you go and get yourself PREGNANT !!..She was screaming and yelling at me calling me a dumb ass girl...I just yelled out it was your husband...she stopped and said WHAT...I said he has been having sex with me for months and told me if I said anything I was going to be locked up in a group home...She told me to get out the car and go to my room...I don't know what happen after that..I stayed in my room until she came upstairs and closed the door and said we cannot tell anyone about this...I am going to handle this and then she left...Two days past I was back in a different doctors office..but there was something different about this office...They put me in a room and told me to under dress and put my legs in the stir up...a nurse came in and gave me a shot..I started feeling dizzy but numb...All I remember was a doctor in between my legs and a humming noise...After I woke up in the recovery room..I ask the girl next to me what just happen to me...and she said you just had an Abortion...Age 14 will never be the same again...

THE DAY I DISCOVERED THE INTERNET...DAY NINE

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Well the internet has been out for a very long time... believe it or not before most of us were born..LOL If I remember my history correctly it was 1950...But I won't get off into all of that...I first started discovering the world of the internet the moment this free CD came in the mail...I don't remember the exact date it had to be somewhere in the late 90's...It sure has come a long way from the AOL "You got Mail" voice and the messenger and the annoying ass slow dial up system...The internet has become a way of life for many...A lot of business would not survive without it and some did not survive because of it...The same with relationships...this thing called the internet will one day be the death of us all...LOL

THE DAY I REALIZE WHAT I WANTED TO BE..DAY EIGHT

Like I said in my previous post of my high school days...I knew the moment I read that Emmitt Till story and started researching in the library I wanted to do something that dealt with writing..researching and making a difference..A Reporter..I got off to a great start..applying for different colleges...But of course my very real reality slap me dead in my face again...Well me being promoted out of the eleventh grade straight to the twelfth grade was a day and a dollar short of me being able to get the scholarships I needed to fiance going away to college...I had to end up going to a local community college...Life kinda of hit me hard because I was on my own at a very early age..so school a lot of times took a back burner to me working so I can survive...I eventually finished college..even got my master degree in Business..but by the time I finished I was already in the Mortgage industry and got so good at it..I am now one of the top Sr. Underwriters at a major bank..BUT my dreams of being a writer never went away...I still hope to fulfill my dream with writing my poems and short stories..and even Blogs like this..I don't get along with never and I have  not met can't yet...So STAY TUNED...

THE MOMENT I REALIZE I HAD FRENDS..BUT NO BEST...DAY SEVEN

INSERT BEST FRIEND HERE....

There is no insert for that position and there never was one...I never had a FIRST BEST friend...I had friends...associates..even a couple of close ones...but a BEST...no one was better to fill that position but ME... Every time I thought I had a BEST...reality pulled me back in and said nope get your ass back here...it's just me..myself and I...I have always been a loner believe it or not...Females hated me growing up...I mean seriously...Boys wanted to get in my pants...Which in return made the females hate me even more..LOL...Actually made better friends with my male counterpart then I did with any female...I am a very cool person..but I don't take no shit and I am a blunt person also...A bad habit of mines...Which I try not to control too much...I figure there is not too much anyone can do or say to me that has not been done or tried..so why hold back..if I have an opinion or a view on something I voice it period..I don't try to be on someone's side...I don't try to go for how many likes I can get...it is what it is..either you like me or you don't...there is no middle...If I agree I will say it...if I don't the same applies..I NEVER was afraid of a fight..physical or verbal...and I never will be...One reason why school never worked for me was I never was the type to join clubs...and be in clicks..I hated the pretty girls club...and would not be seen in the ugly too live crew...then there was the geeks...They annoyed me..so I stayed to myself..I had a few people I socialized with here and there...and I am fine  with that..My younger years I went thru too much pain and my trust level was at a zero..The best kept secrets are the ones that are told..but if you don't have anyone to tell it to..Guess what no one will ever know...

MY FIRST JOB...MY OWN MONEY..DAY SIX

 


The Summer of 1985 I was 14 years old and my foster mother signed me up for a job with the Public School systems Summer Youth Program...I was so GEEKED...My foster sister who was two years older than me had been in the program for two summers already and she told me how easy it was and the best part you get a paycheck for it...I remember my first day at work...they had assigned me to Kettering High School..My job was to cut off all of the locks on the lockers from students that did not remove them on the last day of school and throw anything in the lockers out..I found all kinds of stuff in those lockers...some nice Trapper Keepers (remember those)...Book Bags..clothes..shoes..all kinds of stuff...Those kids lived in their lockers...LOL...But the best part of working there was the football team...The coach had training camp during the summer for the teams and that is where I meet HIM..he was 6'2 and all muscles..He was such a HUNK...OMG!!...One day I was in the weight room straighten up and HE was there lifting weights...and he stopped and just stared at me...He made me so uncomfortable staring at me like that...I was trying my best to get out of there quick...and was not watching what I was doing and I tripped over one of the weight benches and fell smack dead on my face...I just laid there and then I felt HIM...he picked me off the floor and ask was I OK (All while he was laughing at me of course)..I looked at him in those beautiful eyes and said PUT ME DOWN!!...So he dropped me..LOL (Ass Hole)...He said what is your name and me a stupid ass told him..he was like DAMN you got a bad ass body..You working here for the summer?...(ME: Yeah) and we exchange numbers...I could not wait to get to work to see him..I would sneak off when the crew team leader was not around and go meet with him in the weight room where we made out...We would have lunch on the field and make out...sneak behind the school..made out..we made out every chance we got...Come to think of it that is all we did..LOL Anyway I thought this boy was everything I forgot my whole purpose of being there was too make some money...The program only lasted for 20 weeks..so on the 18th week I went to ask him if he still wanted to keep in touch after my program was done and I also had a card for him with a love note in it..So like clock work I left and went to find him..he was not in the weight room..he was not on the field..he was not in the locker room...So I waited for him outside in front of the school..and guess who I see walking down the street walking hand in hand with another girl...HIM!!!..I walked up to him and he had the nerve to say What's up Tracey..this is my girl Angie..I said WHAT!!..He was like yeah..like it was no big deal..is he out of his mind...I looked at him and said you should of told me you had a GIRL before you put your hand on my PUSSY and I walked away...after that day I did not want to go back to work...Matter of fact I never worked in that program again...He was such a Fucktard...But the very next month when school started I was back in awe of another guy..LOL and forgot all about the Hazel Eye Monster

THE DAY I FIRST FELL IN LOVE..DAY FIVE

The day I first fell in love...The Picture above describe the feeling...Click the music below and this was how it happen..Just like this..The Night... And the result of this first and only love was two beautiful children...